The Now or Never Kind

We did eventually get the air conditioning fixed, just in time that there were only a few more days of tour left. No matter where or when or with whom we went on tour, I always slumped the last few days before the end of tour. It passed once the end actually came around and I went back to being ecstatic for the thing I was doing with my life, but the anticipation of it just depressed me.

I sat in the corner of the lounge staring out the window with my notebook in my lap. A bunch of us had watched Across the Universe—probably for the fourth time—and it had done nothing for improving my mood. Mostly it just spurred the song about boys coming home from war in shoeboxes that was forming on the page.

I was so lost in my little world swirling like a tornado that I had no idea if anyone else was still in the bus or not. If there was anyone who could internalise a movie better than I could, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to meet them, because everything outside the window had a moving filmstrip of an acid trip laid over it.

I ruffled the back of my hair and tore my eyes away, only to have them stick to the page. When pen hit paper, the words flew across the page, drawing in the universe from outside into my ear, through my veins, down my arm, and into the pen.

“Angie.” My head snapped up and, flailing, I fell off the couch. Beth came further into the bus and put her hands on her hips. “Everyone got off the bus an hour ago. Why are you still sitting here?”

Returning my feet to the floor, I shut my notebook on the completely filled (from top to bottom regardless of lines) page and climbed to my feet. “Just thinking,” I replied. I looked around. Yep, everyone was loooong gone. I turned back to my blonde partner-in-crime expectantly. “What’s up?”

She gave me another sceptical, appraising look before shaking her head. “There’s this little chick with the Audition that Jess described as ‘looking like she kills children for a living’,” she announced. I paused in pulling on my shoes to furrow my brow at her. She rolled her eyes. “I know, but he’s half-right.”

Confused, I followed her off the bus, sliding on a pair of sunglasses once I stepped into the sun. We hurried into the venue, wanting to exposure ourselves to as little sunlight as possible.

I like being dead-pale, thanks.

Inside, the Audition had stopped setting up their shit—they were heading the bill tonight since we were in their hometown—and were all standing around laughing with the girl I assumed Beth had been talking about. Pint-sized was really the only description for her height, and she had long, curly, cranberry-coloured hair—obviously dyed; that must’ve been hell to keep up— and curves that made me jealous. I was jealous of any female that actually had an ass, really.

But for all her petite stature, she held the stance of the Alpha Bitch.

“Pen!” Danny called, waving us over. “I want you to meet someone.” I strolled over, stopping myself from sticking my hands in my pockets. Woo awkward body language. However, even that habitual tendency went right out the window when she turned around. If there was ever a thing I wanted, it was grey eyes. And this chick had them, set perfectly into her gorgeous little face.

“This is Nix,” Danny introduced, grinning. “I told you about her.”

I gave him a blank look—You did? When?—but smiled at her nonetheless. She laughed, and my stomach tightened. She had perfect teeth and a delightful laugh. “Talking about me behind my back, eh?” she accused. “Bad Danny.” Nix turned to me and shook my hand. “Nix, short for Phoenix.”

My hand froze in her grip and my smile dropped to my shoes to be replaced by surprise. “Wow, that is way more badass than any of my names,” I said, laughing slightly. She shrugged, more than a little smug. “Rhiannon. Angie, Penelope, and nearly any variation of those also work.”

“I still can’t believe you drove all the way here,” Danny said, crossing his arms.

Nix grinned. “I’ve driven farther than Chicago from Toronto for you,” she reminded, pushing his arm. "Every time, I consider asking you to pay me for the gas I use to come visit you but then I realise that may make me a prostitute..."

The guys all chuckled, but a light bulb went on over my head as pieces clicked together. Nix, this hot little number I had no chance of competing with, was a Torontonian and very good friends with the Audition, particularly Danny. She was Danny’s friend with benefits.

I gave him a wide-eyed look, which made his laughing stop, and smiled politely down at her. “I’ve always wanted to go to Toronto,” I observed. “I’ve heard it’s nice.”

“Only the best fucking city ever!” she corrected with a grin. Ryan argued against that, saying Chicago was pretty fucking awesome, and then a debate started. Nix was good at being right, and all her arguments made perfect sense.

“Well, I’d love to stay,” I interrupted chirpily before Tim could join in again. “But I’ve got… some shit to do.” I gave Nix a bit-off smile. “Nice to meet you.” In turning, I shot a pointed look in Danny’s direction and headed backstage.

It took a few seconds, but Danny called after me, “Hey, uh, you need help with—”

“No!” I yelled back shortly, still trying to sound pleasant. “I don’t!”

When I found my way through the depths of the venue to the greenroom, I pressed a hand to my eyes and took a deep breath. “Wot’s th’matter?” Sean asked.

“I’m a fucking idiot is the matter,” I replied, keeping my eyes covered. I licked my lips and took in the room. My band and crew all started at me. I forced on a weak smile. “Nothing unusual.”

I was good at pretending everything was okay. Even when the guys and Nix came back into the musicians’ lounge area, I was polite. The worst part of it was that Nix seemed like a really cool girl; as in, I’d be really good friends with her… if not for the fact that she fucked Danny on a semi-regular basis.

I started freaking out a little bit about that line of thinking, actually. Me not being okay with their relationship meant that I was jealous and wanted Danny all to myself. And that fucking terrified me, the idea that I was falling for another guy so fast.

Matt was right, I am a goddamn heartbreaker.

“I didn’t know she was coming tonight,” Danny informed me quietly. He’d said he’d catch his band up when they were called for sound check and instead come and sat next to me. “If I did, I would’ve mentioned it.”

“It’s not a problem,” I said disinterestedly, focusing on reading comments from fans on our MySpace. There had to be a better, more personal way to interact over the internet.

He hesitated a moment. “Look, it’s not even really like that between us anymore,” he continued. “I haven’t seen Nix in ages…”

“Danny, I said it’s not a problem,” I emphasized, eyes rolling over to him before returning to my computer screen.

Danny stared hard at the side of my head, but I just kept reading, occasionally typing something in response. One of the tech crew came in and reminded Danny that they needed him on stage. “Yeah, I’ll be there in a sec.” He didn’t turn from staring as he spoke, and when the guy left, Danny kissed the side of my forehead and followed.

Bastard.

With the show beginning, I could think about things besides Danny and his littleslutfuckpuppet friend. I still had to do warm-ups and think up some clever or interesting make-up and put it on. Plus Nix wasn’t backstage once the sets started, so I only had to set eyes on Danny.

“Oh, Chicago,” I cooed as I tuned the White Falcon. “I love being inside you.”

I chuckled, and most of the crowd laughed and cheered. “I feel the same way about Detroit,” Jesse commented.

On the other side of the stage, Sean replied, “But ev’ryone says tha’ about Detroit. It’s not called Rock City f’r nothin’.”

“No, people love being inside Detroit because Detroit is a dirty whore,” I joked with a straight face. Amid the laughs, somebody booed and I turned in that direction. “Are you from there?”

“No!” they called back.

“Then what d’you care?” I cracked up, knocking my hair back. “Aaaanyway! Music!”

Once our set was done, the house lights went up and I set about cleaning up all my cords and my board of pedals. “You would know about whores,” a guy said loudly, leaning over some shorter girls towards me. I glanced up and he smirked at me. “Everyone knows female singers are the biggest sluts ever. You’re on tour with more than a dozen guys, and you want us to believe they’re not all getting some pussy? Puh-lease.”

I arched an eyebrow at his ignorance while everyone within earshot of his insults came to my defence. It was kind of amusing, seeing no less than five girls who looked about sixteen tell this douchebag to go fuck himself.

A big part of me wanted to beat the shit out of the motherfucker, honestly. But that wouldn’t do anyone any good. So I rolled my eyes, smiled at my faithful fans, and returned to getting my shit off the stage.

Only once I got everything put away, his words embedded themselves in the walls of my mind. For every person who spoke up, there were at least a dozen thinking the same thing. That was a lot of people thinking I was servicing the whole tour. It didn’t help that I was already worried about that exact thing; after all, I’d hooked up with Danny, Beckett, and (to a lesser extent) Alex and Jack over the course of the summer. And it wasn’t even August.

How distraught and upset this made must’ve shown on my face when I wandered back into the lounge backstage because Danny stopped singing scales. “Whose ass am I kicking?” he demanded, expression very stormy and serious.

The other people in the room turned to look at him, and then me. I gave a weak laugh and patted his arm in passing to my bag. “Nobody’s,” I answered.

“I heard some girls saying a guy was being a dick,” Jesse said as he changed his shirt. “What’d he say to you?”

“Some bullshit about female singers all being the tour sluts.” I rolled my eyes in aggravation and sighed as I twisted my hair up and clipped it back. “Some people are just assholes.”

“What’s he look like?” Danny asked casually. Well, he was trying to sound casual, but it was pretty obvious he wasn’t pleased. “Where was he standing?”

I grinned. “Why? You gonna fuck ‘im up for me?”

“Fuck yeah I am!”

I laughed and shook my head. “That’s sweet,” I said, “But really, don’t make a thing of it. People have said worse shit about me.”

Nothing leapt to mind as I made my way to the merch table, but I’d wished the Audition a good set anyway, so why bother with it?

A few minutes after I arrived to help Beth with selling, the voluptuous object of my hatred sauntered up to the table; she waited behind the groups of girls trying to fit in pictures between sets until there was only space between us. “Okay, so I know you probably hate me,” Nix opened.

“That would be an accurate estimation, yes,” I confirmed, coolly polite. At least, I wanted to hate her. I want to hate her a lot.

“Very sorry. I mean no harm. Me and Danny don’t really fool around anymore.” Beth grabbed my arm, which I hadn’t even noticed jerked. “I’m really in love with Seth.” My hand dropped. That… actually made sense. I’d noticed, but not really taken into account, the fact that they were the same level and style of weird and smiled that smile at each other a lot during conversation.

“I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt, though, because I know the effect Danny has on girls.”

Frowning, I crossed my arms. “I’m a little offended by that.”

Nix smiled, not wholly unapologetic. Just mostly. “Except that, ya know, it’s true.”

My lips twisted. “I guess,” I grumbled. She and Beth both laughed, the latter somewhat quieter. “It’s not like I just fell into his arms when he looked at me!”

“No, you just teased him to the point of sadism,” Beth commented wryly, still smiling. I shushed her shortly.

“Not the point!” Nix exclaimed, bring our focus back to her. She shrugged. “I don’t have any romantic interest in Danny, and he certainly doesn’t have any in me.”

I raised an eyebrow at her emphasis. “Implying?”

Nix frowned like it should’ve been obvious. “You don’t hear the way he talks about you, eh?” she asked, “Or see how he looks at you?”

I shrugged hesitantly. “I…” I swallowed before revealing a little information to her. Why did I always open myself up to strangers? “I’m just sort of worried about becoming the sort of person who hooks up with a string of random people and never has anything permanent. Even though I’m not permanent is what I need since I just got out of that. That’s how this summer’s going.”

Tilting her head, Nix thought about this a moment. “Well, how many of these guys before Danny did you have sex with?” she asked, very straightforward.

“Just one. Then I sorta broke his heart because he wanted more.” Whoops.

She scoffed. “Whatever,” she said, waving a hand. “You’re a teenage girl on tour with a bunch of dudes, and you’re not sleeping with all of them. You’re allowed to have fun. One hook-up won’t kill anyone. Such is life.” Then Nix turned and ran into the crowd as the house lights went down and the crowd erupted.

Blinking, I turned to Beth. “That was strange,” I decided. She merely shrugged. “Strange… but enlightening.”