Love Hurts

I sat on the floor, back against the couch. We were watching some random movie, and at some point I had slid down from my seat on the couch and onto the floor. For some reason I liked sitting on the floor during a movie. It might have something to do with my inner child – the floor keeps me on the ground, and doesn’t let me get lost in a movie. It’s probably from back when I watched Snow White for the first time – the queen/ witch was scary, so it was safer on the floor, where I felt like I had a grip on the real world.
Maybe I hadn’t slit onto the floor because of fear of getting too caught up in the movie – maybe it was because I had wound up sitting next to Gerard. At the beginning of the movie, Bob had been sitting next to me, but when he got up to get some fresh coffee, Gerard had moved over. “Give me some warmth” he had said and moved in underneath the blanket. At first I had enjoyed his company, and enjoyed our unison laugh as Bob had discovered that his warm spot had been claimed in his absence, but it didn’t take long for me to lose contact with reality. My mind had drifted off into dreams of Gerard and I in deep moments – us under the stars as we cuddled and only let our hearts speak. When I first developed feelings for Gerard, it had been purely sexual, and my dreams had followed this feeling. Later on though, my feelings had become deeper – it had become pure love. I no longer just longed for his body, but also for his mind, soul and heart – I wanted to be his, and his mine, forever.
I had snapped out of my dreams and into reality, and then decided to move down onto the floor. Even though my place underneath the blanket was nice and warm, I lied about it being too hot and I had slid down onto the floor.

The movie was coming to an end, and I was holding my knees up under my chin – arms wrapped around them. It had gotten kinda scary, but being on the floor made it easier to watch. One thing that didn’t make anything any easier was when Gerard put his feet on the floor – one foot on either side of me. I was still leaning my back against the couch, and I soon realized that the back of my head wasn’t far from his crotch. I felt his knees touch my shoulders, as he leaned down over me.

“Is the movie too scary for little Frankie?” he asked with a childish voice, as his fingers slid across my collarbones and his arms wrapped themselves around my neck. I felt a warm sensation run down my spine and back up. It hit my heart before I managed to even start a dream, and I snapped. It was wrong. I love him, but I can’t. I’m getting married – and he is married.
Reality struck as a sharp pain, which ran through my every blood vein and hit my heart repeatedly.

“Get off of me!” I yelled – my words echoing through the tin can, known as the bus, as I got up. I turned around to look at Gerard, my eyes filled with venom. When I saw him, my heart sunk – the sharp pain hitting my heart even stronger.

“Wow, relax Frank! It was just a joke”, Gerard said – arms up to guard himself from my words and a slight smile crossing his lips. The pain hit stronger.

“Can’t you just get the fuck away from me?!” I let my eyes glance over at the rest of the guys, who were staring numb-struck at me. ”Just leave me the fuck alone!” My voice cracked at the last word. I turned around and ran to the bathroom, as I tried to keep the vomit down until I was over the bowl. I slammed the thin bathroom door behind me and managed to lock it, before my head was halfway into the toilet. I gagged, but nothing came up, though I instinctively coughed as if it had. I tried to breathe slowly, but it was completely impossible. I gagged and coughed once more – still nothing.

“Frank”, someone said from the other side of the thin door. It was insanely thin, and I was surprised by the fact that I wasn’t able to recognize whose voice it was. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat, but it only caused me to gag once more.
“Frank, are you okay?” the same voice asked as I coughed. Then I recognized the voice – Gerard. My heart got hit again – stronger. My eyes were already teary from the gagging, but now they started to fill with new tears – tears of pain. I couldn’t have him – no matter what, I couldn’t have him, nor him me. We were doomed to be apart.

“Frank?” My tears were silently rolling down my cheeks. I breathed slowly – I wished I didn’t. With every breath, my heart, lungs and mind got hit with pain.

“Frank, please answer!” He sounded concerned. “Frank?! Just make some kind of noise!“ he shouted. I didn’t respond. I couldn’t. I didn’t want to. I wanted to be alone. All alone. For the rest of my life – alone.
“Worm!” he yelled – desperation in his voice – and I heard his footsteps fade. I leaned my back against the wall across from the door, and once again folded my arms around my knees – forehead on them. I felt the tears fall upon my jeans. My head shot up, as I heard the lock rattle. The door soon flung open and Gerard seemed to fall into the small bathroom, but it was controlled considering that he fell on his knees right in front of me. He put his hand on my knees, and I backed up. The pain stung.

“Are you okay, Frankie?” he asked. I tried to back away further. I wanted to get through the wall behind me – I couldn’t stand the pain. I opened my mouth to shout at him to get away from me, but instead the lump in my throat pushed up against my Adam’s apple and forced me to gag – this time something came up. I shot forward towards the bowl, but didn’t reach it in time. A projectile of vomit flew towards the bowl, but only a fraction of it made it in. I gagged once more and spewed projectile vomit into the bowl, coughing instinctively to get out whatever might hadn’t gotten out with the projectile. Even though Gerard had become a victim to the first projectile, he ignored the vomit on his one hand and sleeve, and rubbed my back with his clean hand. “Shh…” he whispered. I gagged and then coughed once more before I realized, why I was throwing up – I wasn’t just lovesick in my mind, but I was actually, literally lovesick. The pain stung – hard.
I pushed away from Gerard – pushed his hand off my back and moved my back towards the wall. When my back hit the wall, I kept trying to move backwards – I had to get away from the pain. Gerard was staring at me, and I could see Worm behind him, standing in the doorway – still holding the car key, which we at some point, for some weird reason, had figured out was able to open the bathroom door. They both looked deeply concerned, but were frozen at that.
When I realized I wasn’t getting anywhere by pushing myself against a wall, I shot up.

“Get away from me!” I screamed a little girlish, as I ran past them. When I got out of the bathroom door, I saw Ray and Mikey in the corner of my eye – behind Worm. I shot past Bob, who was standing with his back against the bunks – turning his head as I walked past him. When I reached the outside, the cold air hit my heated skin and quickly cooled it down. The smell of wet dirt filled my nose, as my feet stomped in the mud on my way around our joined black SUV. I ripped the door open and jumped in before I realized that I didn’t have the keys. The passenger door opened and Gerard jumped in. The pain stung.

“Frank, what’s wro” was all I heard him say before I jumped out of the car and ran off. I didn’t know whereto I was running, but I knew what I was running from – the pain.

“Frank!” I heard Gerard yell. The pain stung and slowed me down for a short while, but I soon discarded the thought and the pain, and ran even faster. I didn’t look back, but I could hear thumps on the ground that wasn’t mine – he was after me. I knew it was Gerard – Worm couldn’t run that fast.

“Frank!” Gerard yelled again – this time out of breath. The pain stung. It slowed me down slightly – I wasn’t able to discard it. Suddenly the other pair of footsteps stomped even heavier, and soon came to a stop.

“Frank!” Gerard gasped loud. He had given up. I ran a bit further, but the pain started to become stronger and stronger. I ran slower and slower, until I stopped. The pain stung – badly.
I fell onto my knees and buried myself in my arms. I fell onto my side and rolled up into a ball as I started to sob. Everything hurt.

“Frank” Gerard whispered. I flinched as I realized he was right behind me.

“Please, don’t”, I whispered back. “Please, just leave me alone.” He didn’t say anything. He didn’t touch me. Yet he didn’t leave. I felt his soul behind me. I felt his heart close to me. It made the pain go away a little.
I heard footsteps coming up behind me. They stopped beside Gerard, and a heavy sigh replaced their sound.

“Frank”, Gerard whispered. “Worm will carry you back, okay?” I didn’t move. I didn’t speak. I didn’t even make an attempt to. I just lied there – numb.
I felt a pair of big hands wrap around my waist and my thighs, and I was lifted up. I let my head tilt into Worm’s chest. My face was numb, and the numbness quickly spread to my blood – my heart.

Worm slowly lifted me into my bunk, and I let my face disappear into my pillow. I barely breathed. I couldn’t handle the pain it caused. I couldn’t handle the pain anymore.
I reached into the back of my bunk and opened my toilet bag. I grabbed my razor and started picking it apart. When I had finally released one of the blades, I put the unnecessary parts back in the bag. I laid the blade on my wrist. I didn’t want to die – I only wanted Gerard to realize what he could risk losing.
I picked up the blade and I turned around, facing the curtain. I slowly let the blade run over my wrist. The blood trickled down my arm and onto the white sheets. I let the blade run over my wrist again. The redness on the sheets was spreading. I let the blade run over my wrist once more, before my sight began to slur. I purposely let the blade fall out of the bunk onto the floor, as I watched the blood spread on the sheets. It was shaping a heart.
I waited for them to find the blade. They would see it covered in blood, pull the curtain away and stop the bleeding. They would pull me out of my bloody bunk, and Gerard would hold me tight, and from then on never let go. My eyes started to blur. Where were they?

Next thing I knew I was lying in Gerard’s arms – just as I had predicted. Yet it was a lot blurrier now. His brown eyes were gazing into mine – they were flamingly red. He was moving his lips, but I couldn’t hear him. I felt tired – very tired.
“Frankie, you idiot!” I finally heard him say. My eyelids felt heavy – I was so tired.

“I love you” I exhaled before I closed my eyes.