Acting On Love

As the small crowd slowly abandoned the scene, I even found myself wishing they wouldn't. Her eyes never left me for a moment, as if she thought I'd try and escape if she didn't. When everyone was gone, except for me and her, she stepped inside the room a little. I noticed how her eyes lingered a little on the clothes lying scattered on the floor. Then they snapped up to look at me again. I could feel my cheeks burning.

"Get dressed. Then I want you to stay here until I come back," she said sternly, still quietly, before she backed out of the room and shut the door behind herself.

I sat on the bed, staring at the closed door for a very long time. My mind was blank - it felt numb. I wouldn't believe that this was real. He had been lying in bed with me just a moment ago. And now. . .

I couldn't even finish the thought.

I lifted up the sheets and slowly began to climb out of the bed. I stumbled and hit the floor, not realising my legs were suddenly so weak. I picked myself up slowly and tried to get dressed. It took me a long time.

But I had done it.

I lay down on the floor, only just noticing that my book had found its way under the bed. Arizona Dreams. It should have been put back in the library months ago. Fuck the library, I thought. I reached under the bed and grabbed the book.

I tried to stand up with it, but my legs still felt uneasy. This is ridiculous. . . I thought, sitting down on the bed. The bed. . .

A memory suddenly flashed through my mind. A very fresh memory, of only last night. I stood up again, wincing away from the bed.

I opened up the book, trying to distract my thoughts. I began to read out loud in the empty room. My voice was quivering.

It was only when the words blurred out of focus on the page that I realised I was crying. My voice wavered out of my control. I dropped the book and touched at my cheeks, feeling the river of tears begin to flow. No. Pull yourself together, a harsh voice inside me commanded.

I wondered, although I wasn't sure if I'd made myself do so, to the window. It was still open from when Ville had jumped in it. That memory felt like it was long gone now.

But when I reached the window, a thought flew across my mind - bright, I thought it was, like a burning meteor. Why should I have to wait for her to come back? I asked myself silently. I could just leave. They wouldn't catch me. For a moment I thought of my parents - of how disappointed in me they would be. Then I thought of Ville again. And I had made up my mind.

I propped up my foot on the ledge of the window, and land gripped the window with both hands. I lifted myself up and looked down at the nasty drop below. Could I do it? Was I insane for even considering it. . .?

Just as I was urging myself mentally to just take the fall and risk whatever injury may come as the consequence, the door of my room was opened. My head snapped round to meet the woman I feared it would be.

"Oi, what do you think you're doing!" she suddenly shouted, marching into the room. She took me by the arm and pulled me off the window ledge, dragging me through the room. "Trying to get yourself killed?" she muttered to herself.

That wouldn't be the worst thing at a time like this, I thought solemnly.

She took me down the stairs and out of the halls. When we were outside, she finally released my arm. But she kept a careful eye on me. I had already guessed where she was taking me, and there was no escaping it. Perhaps Ville was already there. That thought was the only reason I didn't just turn and run away from her. I couldn't leave him in it alone.

After one of the most painful walks of my life, we were finally there - we were standing outside the headmaster's office. I only remembered it vaguely from before. I prepared myself mentally for what would follow.

The door slowly creaked open. My breath got caught in my throat as I saw Ville walking out of it. His head was bowed - he looked defeated. His eyes stared at the floor as he walked past me, not even acknowledging me. His brow was creased in despair. I watched him as he walked away, without even a glance in my direction.

"Ville!" I shouted after him. Who cared if I played by the rules anymore? The game was lost.

He disappeared round the corner.

"Ville!" I shouted again, before I felt myself being pulled. I turned to see the same woman urging me to go into the office. I walked past her and into it. I swallowed, feeling the ache of my dry throat as I did so.

The headmaster sat at his desk, looking at it as if he were in a daze. But it was clearly a daze of disappointment. He looked nearly as filled with despair as Ville had.

"Please, sit down," he finally said in a monotone as his eyes finally looked up to meet mine.