I Don't Wanna Feel.

Well, I don't know how I want to begin telling you this story. I don't know who I'm telling it to, or if I'm even telling it to anyone. Whether anyone listens or not, it's something that I need to say. I want to tell this story to get it off my chest and to give you a deeper look at why my brother is the way he is. I guess I'll give it a fairy-tale beginning to make up for the fact that it doesn't have a fairy-tale ending. There are no happily-ever-afters; there are only once-upon-a-times.

Once upon a time, there was a boy. His name was Sodapop Curtis. He was sixteen-going-on-seventeen, with wheat-gold hair and brown eyes. Those eyes could be understanding and reckless all at the same time. He was handsome, movie-star handsome. He was so handsome that people stopped to watch him walk down the street.

Lisa Turner had just turned seventeen. She had long, dark brown hair and her eyes were a chocolate color. Maybe that's why Soda loved her so much. If that's not the reason, then I don't know why he loved her like he did. She had a problem; a problem that we found out about the night that it was too late to help her.

I'm not going to go into detail about how they met. Just know that they met and it went from there. Sometimes, I wish they never would have met. If they hadn't, my brother would still be here. I mean, he's here and everything, but his spirit's not. And as much as I hate to say it, it's her fault and I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive her for it. I'll start with the night it all happened.

"Lisa, what's wrong with your arm," I asked, unintentionally drawing everyone's attention. Her eyes grew wide and she tried to pull her sleeves down, to cover her forearms.

"Um...uh...n-nothing." Dally stood up and walked around to the other side of the table.

"Let me see your arm."

"N-no."

"I said, lemme see your arm." She picked up her jacket and tried to slip it on, but Dally grabbed her wrist when she turned. She struggled against him, but eventually she gave up. He was too strong for her to fight off.

"What the fuck is this," Dally shouted.

"What's goin' on," Steve asked, as he and Soda walked into the kitchen. Soda didn't say anything, but walked over to us and took her arm. He looked at it, tears brimming in his eyes.

"What have you done," he asked softly.

"You wouldn't understand." Dallas ran a hand through his hair and walked into the kitchen, which was probably a good thing.

"Lisa," Johnny whispered. We all turned our attention towards him. He swallowed and went on.

"They don't help you. Yeah, they give you happiness for a little while. But what about when they wear off?" We all looked at her again, wanting to hear what her answer to that would be.

"I-I'm sorry, Soda." Soda looked at the pattern in the kitchen floor, tears streaming down his face. She stood up and bolted out of the house. We all ran after her.

"Lisa," Soda yelled.

"We'll never catch her. Give her time to get where she's goin' and then we'll go get her."

"Do you know where she's going?"

"There's a party at Buck Merrill's tonight. She's probably goin' to get high."

"Why would she get high after what just happened," Two Bit asked.

"Why wouldn't she? You heard her in there. She's an addict."

"Let's go." Darry, Soda, and I hopped into the truck and headed to Buck Merrill's. Dally, Steve, Johnny, and Two Bit followed behind us in Buck's T-Bird.

Dally threw open the door and walked inside and Buck ran into the room. He must have heard the slam of the door as it hit the wall.

"Hey Dally, how's it going, man?" Dally's eyes scanned over the people in the room.
"You know Lisa, right?"

"Yeah, what about her?"

"Is she here?"

"Why do you need to know?" Dally grabbed Buck by the collar of his shirt.

"Don't ask questions. Just tell me if she's here or not." It scared me to see Dally like that. Sure, I'd seen him when he was mad, but I had never seen him like this. I'd never seen Soda in the state he was in either. He had calmed down a little and he wasn't crying anymore. That helped me alot because when I saw him crying, I wanted to cry.
Dally still had Buck by the neck. Buck nodded and pointed up the stairs.

"The last time I saw her, she was goin' up the stairs." Dally nodded and released his grip from Buck. We took the stairs two at a time and we went down the hall a little ways. We were following Dally; he knew Buck's place pretty well. I didn't doubt what he said about Lisa either. He grew up on the streets after all, he has to know something about addicts. He grabbed hold of the doorknob and began to twist it.

"Damn it," he whispered.

"We're gonna have to kick in the door." He rammed his shoulder into the door a few times until it gave way. Buck had heard the commotion and was running up the stairs.

"What the hell did ya bust down my door for!" We weren't paying any attention to him. We all had our attention on Lisa. She was laying on the floor, next to the bathtub. Her eyes were glassy and watering. Buck stopped hollering, after seeing her on the floor.

"Go get help," Soda yelled. Buck ran down the stairs and we all backed away. I think we all knew what was going to happen.

"S-Soda," she whispered.

"Yeah baby, I'm here." He cradled her in his arms as we all waited on Buck to bring help.

"I think I messed up this time, huh Soda?" Tears welled up in his eyes. He blinked to keep them from falling, but they came anyway.

"Yeah baby, you did." We heard her exhale and she went limp as her eyes rolled backwards.

"Baby, c'mon!" Soda began to shake her. He was panicking. Darry grabbed him by the shoulders and turned him around.

"Shhh, don't cry." The ambulance arrived in a few minutes and put her on a stretcher. The ambulance pulled away, sirens wailing into the night. Darry, Soda, and I climbed into the truck as the others climbed into the T-Bird. Darry sped off towards the hospital with Dally, Steve, Johnny, and Two Bit closely behind. We pulled into the parking lot of the hospital. Soda threw open the door of the truck and ran towards the glass doors, leading into the hospital. We all took off after him. We ran down the hallways of the hospital, receiving glares from the staff members. Soda grabbed the nearest nurse.

"Where's Lisa Turner?" She looked down at the floor and looked back at us.

"I'm sorry to tell you this, but she was dead on arrival. There was nothing we could do to help her." The nurse turned and walked away. Soda's knees gave way and he crumpled to the floor.

"Why her? Why did she have to die?"

"She died a long time ago, man," Dally said quietly. The rest of us were looking down at the floor. We were unable to say anything. I mean, we've seen some real bad things, but this wasn't one of them. What could any of us say that would help?

"C'mon Soda, there ain't nothin' we can do now," Darry whispered soothingly. He helped Soda up and we all walked out of the hospital.

That was a year ago and Soda hasn't cracked a smile since that night. His eyes don't have that glow anymore. They're dull and lifeless. It breaks my heart to see him that way because I always thought that he'd be happy and grinning 'til the day he died. But after her overdose, I realized that Soda is a normal person. He can't experience one emotion and be human. You have to experience every emotion to actually live. That's why Soda doesn't live anymore. I experienced something that night that I never thought I would. I saw the mental and emotional death of my brother. His body's still alive, but he's dead inside. There's nothing there anymore. After that experience, I will always see things differently. It made me see that my brother is human. Seeing him that way scares me, because seeing him like that makes us all more human. I saw what feelings did to Soda and I don't want to end up like that. But sometimes people fight through the pain. Sometimes people let the bad things go and hold on to the good. But I can't let things go. Once something happens, it stays with me.

That's why I hate drugs. They took away my brother's happinessand killed his spirit. Everyday, a little piece of my soul dies. Because I have to watch as his soul dies, little by little. In order to live, you have to feel. And sometimes, I don't want to feel.