Outta My Head

I don’t think very much of the last year. And there’s a reason why. Perhaps I should start by introducing myself. My name is Carol Pennycat, yes I know very funny. Skip the laughing part and listen again. I’m currently 19 years old, but my story begins at me being 14.
I was born in Phoenix, though I grew up in Seattle. I don’t know how that came, my mother just happen to like Seattle more. At least that’s what I think, I don’t talk with her much about that. Well actually we never talk. Not about anything important. She is more of a physical type, just thinking about how she could impress others and how to make her skin more shiny. Of course – as her child – I have to defend her: She got pregnant when she was 16, so she is still quite young. Her name is Anna Withers, because she didn’t keep the surname of her ex-husband. They got the divorce when I was four, and my mother was keen to avoid any contact with Billy. And I didn’t care back then, because I didn’t know why she didn’t want that. The next member of my family is Charlene. She is my twin sister and … let’s say we don’t like each other much. I’m not sure why that is. Perhaps because she is willing to fulfill all of our mothers requests and I don’t. Anyway that’s enough of the boring part, let’s go back to the 14th March 2001. I’m at home and arguing with Charlene. Again.

“You don’t know me and you can’t judge me!” I shouted, jabbing a finger at my twin sister.
“Of course I know you! You are my twin sister and your actions are telling me everything I need to know.” I hated her for being so calm and reserved. She had a perfect poker face.
“Pah, like you know me! You hated me from the start!” My voice trembled, though I was trying to be calm. I wasn’t managing very well, because I was more of a passionate type.
“Oh come on Carol. I don’t hate you. You’re my sister, although we have some … differences in our lifestyle, you can’t say that you hate me, do you?” Her smile seemed to be more of a smirk, but that made her look only more beautiful. She had everything I ever wanted. Apart from being her. I was happy with my life, I just wanted a few things she had. Her beauty for example.
“Stop playing the perfect and calm girl, I know that you’re not some kind of angel!” I lied. Because on the inside, I knew exactly that she was perfect. She hadn’t got any pimples on her face or back, she had the perfect body and was very popular at school. Her blonde hair made her look like an angel. And sometimes she behaved like she was older, like she was Anna, so that she could attract even much older boys. They didn’t find out that she was only 14 until it was too late.
I was – and still am – a shy girl. I didn’t use any make up then and I was .. well not fat, but I was plump. My black hair was very thick and a little bit curly. That was the only thing I liked about myself back then. My eyes had a dull grey color, which I know now has something to do with my mutation. Oh, I didn’t mention that I am a mutant? Well, now you know. I’m a very strong mind reader. And I’m going to experience the whole force of my mutation in only a few seconds.
Five years ago I felt that I was nearly at the peak of my rage. I can’t tell anymore, why Charlene and I were arguing. Supposedly something about mum, as always. But I somehow was very furious, felt like I was being ignored and the only person in this house who really understood the situation. Of course, now I know that’s just how teenager in my age are feeling. But this made my mutation activate itself. Suddenly I could hear Charlene’s thoughts and it was hurting my head. Because it wasn’t just Charlene – that I could’ve handled. No, it felt like a hundred people in my head, babbling about some nonsense, like dirty plates or undone homework. I thought I had gone crazy, I mean I did hear voices! My knees weakened and just a moment later everything went black. I thought I had dreamt the whole thing. Of course I hadn’t.

When I opened my eyes, I was staring at the hospital ceiling. It smelled ill somehow. Like I didn’t belong there.
“Carol, you’re awake?” I heard the hushed voice of my mother beside me. I looked at her. Her platinum blonde hair was wild and her makeup was dispersed. “Oh my god, honey! What happened?” She seemed to be puzzled and it took me a moment to realize what she was talking about.
“I … I don’t know. I heard voices,” I mumbled, almost inaudible.
“Voices?” my mother shrieked. “What do you mean, you hear voices?”
“Heard! I heard voices. I’m not hearing them anymore.”
“But Charlene said that she hadn’t heard anything,” I knew that she thought I was going mad. And so did I.
“I know. I mean, I knew somehow I was the only one hearing it, like some people were telling me their problems and wanted me to help them.”
“Darling, you must be imagining things. Why should some people be asking you for help? And even if they were willing to, how did they get into your head?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted.
“Perhaps I should tell the doctors …”
Then she was gone. I heard her trip away on her high heels, because she had left the door open.
So, that was my first day with ‘medical help’ as my mother always described it. From then on, many psychiatrists tried to help me, without success. Of course it couldn’t be cured, as it is my mutation. But it took time to realize that.
I skipped school because of my ‘mind problems’ and I was sent into a psychiatric hospital. I had been 16 then. I kept telling over and over again that I could hear voices, until I realized, that everyone thought I was mad and odd. Well, I thought that too. But I didn’t want my mother, and my sister for that matter, to think bad of me. So I didn’t tell anything about the voices anymore, though they were still there. I just kept playing the good girl. Nevertheless it took two years to convince the doctors that I was ‘sane’ again.
I had hardly stepped out of the hospital, when a man with red sunglasses stepped in my way. “Miss Pennycat?” he asked in a smooth and gentle voice. I liked him right from the start.
“Yes. Who are you and what do you want from me?” I was suspicious, I admit it. But I was also curious, because I had spoken to nobody beside my mother in those last three years. So why should some freaky guy know my name. He was looking at me like I was normal. I certainly wasn’t normal. Everyone in Seattle knew that: The freaky Pennycat.
“Eh … I’m Scott Summers from the Xavier Institute in New York for the Gifted. I wanted to offer you a place on that school.” I had confused him, I was sure of that. But that was the only thing I was sure of. Because if everyone told you, that you were mad, that you shouldn’t be hearing voices and that I wasn’t supposed to be living freely, why should I be gifted because of that?
“So? And you think I would accept that?”
“No, I mean, perhaps. I wanted to give you an overview of the program and explain …”
“Yeah well. If you don’t know it yet: I’m a known psychic and supposedly mad.”
“You’re not mad, Carol.”
“Miss Pennycat if you please, Mr Summers,” I said perplexed. “And I myself don’t think that, but the doctors say that. But does a murderer know that he’s crazy?”
I wasn’t entirely convinced that I was sane. I was sort of neutral to my own sanity. A part of me knew, that it was a mutation that made me hear voices. But another part told me, that I wasn’t right in my mind.
“I guess not. You’d know though. You’re a mind reader, aren’t you?”
“You know … how do you know that?”
I was stunned, how did he know that I could hear the minds of other people? As clear as I could hear is eagerness of telling me that I was a mutant and that this institute was only for mutants to understand and control their powers.
“I’ll tell you soon enough. But I guess you already know what school I’m talking about?”
“’Course. But I’m not sure if I want to go to such a school. I mean … I already lost control didn’t I? And why haven’t you come here before I was sent into this institution?”
“I’m very sorry that you had to go through that. But we can explain that, if you want to come with us.”
“Ehm … I was just discharged and wanted to go to my family and …. and … and be normal. I didn’t choose to be … one of you. It just happened.” Another thing happened before I knew it. My tears were hot as they found their way down over my cheeks. Mr Summers somehow couldn’t deal with. He kept turning his head away and he began stroking his right arm.
“I’m not very good at this stuff, sorry Carol. But … we can help you. The professor will help you handle your past. And you don’t have to leave your family.” At least not as a decision of yourself. Perhaps they will leave you. The last two sentences had been his thoughts. And somehow I knew exactly what he meant. They would leave me if they discovered why I had been – and still am – hearing voices. My sister was rude against other mutants and my mother downright hated them because my father is one of them. But I didn’t find that out until I moved to the school. Although that took a lot of convincing arguments from Mr Summers.