House of Jealous Lovers

I woke the next morning in a very disorienting state, lazily sitting up and rubbing my face with my hands. I still felt the alcohol in my system, making my vision hazy as I tried to look around the room. I couldn't clearly make out where I was, which caused a slight alarm. I could only make out black sheets that were covering my body on the bed. I felt my body, relief washing over me when I realized that I was wearing a larger black shirt over my upper body.

I tried to regain some focus over my surroundings to see if I could make anything out that looked familiar to me in my current state of mind. The walls were painted a dark blue with sun shining against the paint to highlight the shade of blue. There were piles of clothes everywhere on the floor, folded neatly and separated into their respective piles of shirts and pants. I collapsed against the soft sheets, looking up at the blue ceiling, still too buzzed to comprehend much.

I was thinking back to last night, trying to figure out what had happened. I couldn't remember much about it. Everything I could remember was completely hazy and full of holes. I remembered the engagement party and talking to Brian out in the backyard. I remember being wedged in between Zacky and Jimmy on the drive over to the club and then going to the bar for some drinks with Jason. Everything beyond that point, I was definitely unsure of. I remembered flashes of emotions like astonishment and rage but it wasn't clear who had these emotions. Everything was way too blurry to make out.

The door opened and I glanced up towards it to see who had interrupted my thoughts, seeing a shirtless Zacky walking towards me. His eyeliner was smudged around his bright green eyes and his red pajama pants were hanging drastically low on his hips, drawing all my attention to his lower torso. My eyes scanned his exposed upper body, seeing the brightly colored inks jumping out from the tattoos on his pale skin. Looking at him now, I realized that his pale skin served as a canvas for a painting, the tattoos clearly being the works of art he so proudly displayed upon his body.

He had a small grin plastered on his face as he hopped into bed next to me, lying flat on his back with his arms folded behind his head. I continued to look over his body, trying to resist the sudden urge I felt to touch him. He was very good looking in the mornings, though he knew this from previous conversations we have had. There were times back in high school where he would stay at my place and sleep in my bed with me. He would usually hold me while we fell asleep, my head resting against his chest comfortably. I suddenly felt bittersweet nostalgia settling in as I remembered moments from high school.

I got up from his bed without a word and stumbled on wobbly legs into the adjoining bathroom, looking for my toothbrush. I had always kept a spare toothbrush here, in case of situations like this where I had been too drunk to get home. I put some toothpaste on the brush and began scrubbing the alcohol from last night out of my mouth. I spent the minutes brushing my teeth wondering if Zacky had been sober enough to remember what happened last night. I needed answers.

I wandered back into the bedroom, tripping over my feet a bit in drunken disgrace before crawling back into the bed. It was the moment that I felt the sheets on my bare legs again that I realized that I hadn't been wearing anything except my lacey boy shorts and a shirt. I looked at Zacky, seeing a curious expression on his face before he replaced it with a smile.

"Good morning London," he said.

"Morning," I mumbled, lying down beside him.

"How're you feeling?" he asked.

"Drunk," I replied, hugging the pillow to my body.

"Still?" he asked slightly taken aback. I nodded in reply. "Well, I guess that makes sense. You did have a lot to drink last night. I'm just lucky that I was the one that found you passed out in the alley and not some other person."

"I passed out in an alley?" I asked, confused by the new information.

"Yeah. You left the club last night and then passed out in the alley behind there after telling Brian that you would get yourself home," he explained.

"Wow, that doesn't sound like me at all," I replied.

"I know. I was kinda worried about you so I followed you outside," he said, rolling to his side so he was facing me.

"How much did I have to drink?" I asked.

"I'm not sure. Apparently, there were multiple trips to the bar for hard liquor and you were pretty buzzed on the drive over so it didn't take much for you to get wasted."

"Oh," I said, looking away from him.

"You did wake up last night though," he told me.

"What? I did?"

"Yeah, you woke up in bed next to me and straddled my lap. You were kissing me and telling me that you wanted me and though it was extremely hot to have you on top of me like that, I didn't want to take advantage of you while you were drunk so I told you to wait until morning," he chuckled.

"Oh my God, I didn't," I gasped in embarrassment as I felt my cheeks turning pink.

"Oh you did," he laughed. "But it's ok. I knew you were drunk so it's ok. It's not like I've been any better when you've taken care of my drunken ass."

"I know. Normally you're worse than I am but I never get to that point, with the exception of that other time," I said, thinking back to waking up beside Jason.

The thought of how awful I felt that morning rushed back to me and I couldn't help but feel depressed again. The night before I had been so happy with Jimmy without even really being aware of my feelings for him and then, it all got yanked out from underneath me when he slept with her. The thought was as sickening as when I walked in on Zacky and Morgan together in this bed. I shuttered at the thought, no longer wanting to be in this bed where she once was. It felt completely tainted.

Zacky grabbed my hand, lacing our fingers together as I snapped myself out of my thoughts. He was staring at me with soft eyes and a tiny smile upon his lips. I felt mesmerized by those green eyes of his, staring at me with an unfamiliar expression. I wasn't sure what to categorize it as but it was definitely something I hadn't seen from Zacky Baker before.

"Well, I was glad to have been there for you for once in a drunken stupor," he told me, kissing the back of my hand.

"Thank you," I nodded.

"No problem," he replied.

We fell into a silence as I started thinking about the previous night. I could barely remember anything so this new information I was receiving made me wonder about the other things that happened. I had this sinking feeling in my stomach that I said something awful or regretful to everyone last night but I don't know for sure.

"What happened last night?" I asked curiously, turning my head to the side to face him.

"What do you mean?" he questioned.

"The last thing I really remember about last night was Jason directing me to the bar," I told him. "After that, the rest seems to be a blur."

"Well, you took off to dance soon after that and then, according to what Brian told me, Jimmy followed you out there when he saw you dancing with some frat boy who had his hands all over you and threatened to kick his ass if he didn't leave you alone, which made you angry with him," he said as I began to remember the argument between the two men. I sighed a bit and looked down at my hands as he continued, "you came back from the bar after that and told everyone that you were pissed off at Jimmy for hurting you the way he did and that you two had some kind of arrangement or something?" he said skeptically.

I groaned, covering my face with my hands, "I told everyone about that?"

"Yeah, you did," he said quietly.

"Fuck. That's just fucking perfect," I sighed.

Zacky didn't say anything. We fell into a silence while I mentally kicked myself for spilling everything to everyone. The words were coming back to me slowly and I groaned in frustration once again. Everything had been building up for the last week and finally got the best of me. It was only a matter of time before I couldn't take anymore but I didn't expect it to be so soon after everything.

Thinking back, it was only a few months ago where I was content in my misery. I was just another lovesick girl who fell for her best friend and was fine with being miserable. I didn't mind it in the least but now, after finding someone else and dealing with a new kind of heartache, I couldn't bear the thought of going through that again. I didn't want to deal with any more pain and if that meant that I was to be alone then so be it. I wasn't going to suffer though that horrible ordeal again. I wouldn't put everyone through that.

"I never knew that you felt that way about me London," he said quietly after a long silence.

I sighed, removing my hands from my face and staring up at the ceiling. I was hoping that we could avoid this conversation. I was hoping that I wouldn't have to discuss this with him anymore since I was still unsure of what I wanted. I turned away from him, still hugging the pillow and staring into the dark bathroom.

"I wasn't sure how it would affect our friendship if I did tell you," I replied. "It was clear that you weren't interested in me so I didn't want to make it weird or anything."

I felt his hand on my hip, lightly squeezing it and turning me back around to face him. I rolled flat to my back and saw that he was closer to me now, slightly hovering over me with an unreadable expression on his face. He kept his hand over my stomach as I felt my skin warming to the close proximity of us.

"What made you think that?" he asked.

"Are you kidding me?" I scoffed, sitting up and pulling away from him. "You're the most confusing boy I've ever known Zacky Baker! You would treat me like any normal person treated a girlfriend but kept it to your convenience. Then you would run around and fuck anything that moved! I've stood by for years watching you do this, wondering if you'd ever really notice me and love me the way I loved you but it never happened! You always thought about yourself before anyone else," I snapped, folding my arms over my chest.

"You could've told me how you felt you know?" he said with a sigh.

"No I couldn't have! You weren't a relationship person Zacky! I remember when Courtney Reese told you that she wanted to be with you in high school. You freaked out and dumped her ass for Jeanie Stewart! If I told you that I wanted to be with you, who's to say that you wouldn't have done the same thing?" I argued.

"You're different London," he said, looking away from me.

"How the hell am I so different?" I asked.

"You just are! I dunno. Whenever I'm around you, it's just different."

"Oh real generic Zachary," I said, rolling my eyes.

"What do you want from me? I've watched you for the past few months with Jimmy and I didn't fucking like it! I was jealous as hell, something I've never felt before, because Jimmy was the son of a bitch that was lucky enough to touch you! I couldn't stand it! I hated that you two were together," he said angrily.

"That's just great though. It took me finding someone else for you to realize that you had feelings for me," I sighed. "That's so unfair Zacky. Seriously, it's completely unfair. I've waited for you through most of my high school years and young adult life. I've watched as you took off with countless girls, never once acknowledging me when you did this. God, and now, after I've had my heart broken by your band mate, you're trying to talk to me about this?"

"London, I realize I've been a jackass and I'm sorry. I didn't realize how blind I was until I realized that I was losing you to Jimmy. It took the thought of losing you to realize that I've been in love with you for so long," he said as I hitched my breath in my throat. I shut my eyes tightly and remained motionless as he continued to speak. "I've been an idiot and I'm sorry. I know nothing will make up for the things I've done but if you really meant what you said last night then I'm willing to be with you," he said quietly.

Listening to this, I felt my head beginning to spin. Here it was: the one situation I've been waiting for and now, I didn't know what I wanted. I wasn't sure if he really meant anything he told me or if he was just saying this to give me what I wanted. It was just such a confusing situation. Part of me wanted to be with him while the other part of me wanted to be with Jimmy still. There was just too much inner turmoil I couldn't wade through. Things weren't simple anymore.

I felt the bed shifting but kept my eyes closed, trying to take steady breaths.

"I love you," he whispered quietly, his hot breath hitting my face.

I opened my eyes and found myself staring directly into his emerald eyes, his body inches from me. His face was moving closer to me, eyes shifting from my lips back up to my eyes with curiosity. I felt his hands on my hips, giving me a gentle squeeze as he pulled me closer to him. I felt my breathing speed increase once again, realizing that he wanted to kiss me. This was another moment I had been waiting for and now, here it was, finally happening and I was nervous as hell.

His lips collided with mine at full force, leaning me back onto the mattress so I was lying flat against it. I wrapped my arms around his neck, reciprocating his actions. I felt the cold metal from his snakebites against my lips as he hovered over me. I felt his tongue brush against my lips, asking for access to my mouth which I gave him, lightly brushing my tongue against his and pulling him closer to me with my legs, wrapping them around his waist.

Kissing Zacky was definitely different from kissing Jimmy. Zacky's kisses were more forceful, lust-filled rather than passionate. Jimmy's were completely passionate and slower, as if he took the time to savor the taste of my lips. Kissing Zacky now, I wasn't sure how I felt. This was one of those moments I had been waiting for and now that it's happened, it didn't seem like such a big deal. I continued kissing him though, just going through the motions.

I couldn't help but let my mind wander to Jimmy and how his kisses were. When Jimmy kissed me, I felt my whole body spark with electricity from the contact of his lips. He always held me close to him, as if he never wanted to let me go while he worked his magic on me. It was a completely comforting thing. There was always this unexplainable passion between us, an intensity I only discovered that night I spent with him. I didn't feel it with anyone else but him and it was something that indicated that maybe what we had was more than a friendship. With Jimmy, I was guaranteed safety and protection from everything. What I didn't count on, however, was needing protection from him.

Zacky's hands started roaming over my body as I just lie there, kissing him back with no emotion. I tried to get into it but it just wasn't the same as kissing Jimmy. There was no fire behind it. It was just two friends kissing each other. Though it was slightly disappointing to the side of me that had convinced me that I wanted a romantic relationship with him, it was also comforting to know that I no longer wanted him that way. I could push past this and get on with my life. I didn't want to be with Zacky anymore. My heart now belonged to Jimmy.

I put my hands on Zacky's shoulders, lightly pushing him away as he broke our passionless kiss. He looked at me confused, still hovering over me as I bit my bottom lip, trying to come up with the words to say to him.

"What is it?" he asked softly.

"I'm sorry Zack," I whispered quietly, letting my limbs fall away from his body.

A flash of rejection struck his gorgeous face as he slowly leaned back onto his legs away from me. Zacky Baker wasn't the kind of guy that was pushed away often so he was seemed surprised by response. I felt awful for causing him any pain but I didn't want to pretend anymore. I wanted to be honest with him about my feelings now that everything was out in the open.

"You didn't feel anything, did you?" he asked through a sigh, running his hand through his messy black hair.

I gently shook my head, "I'm sorry but no."

"It's alright," he said reassuringly. "I didn't either."

I leaned up, looking at him curiously as he looked down at his hands that had been resting in his lap. I felt confused by his actions and his words. He told me that he loved me and now he didn't feel anything for me? God, he was so perplexing.

"So why did you kiss me?" I asked.

"We had to find out the truth, didn't we?" he shrugged.

"But you continued kissing me," I pointed out.

"It's a habit. Sorry," he admitted sheepishly.

I sighed, "So, I guess we're just supposed to be friends."

"But it doesn't make any sense. I really do love you London. I know it. It's a different feeling from anything else I've felt before but when we kissed, there was nothing there. It's gonna sound bad but it felt exactly like kissing any other girl I've been with."

"Maybe we're just supposed to be like brother and sister. We've known each other for too long to have any romantic feelings for each other," I shrugged.

"Maybe," he nodded. "I dunno. I thought that for sure you'd be the one. Every time I think of dating other girls, they always have to measure up to you and no one does. It's why I've never really been serious with anyone else," he mumbled.

"You were with Morgan though," I pointed out with a frown.

He sighed loudly, "I know. That was a mistake. I thought that I could try and forget about you with someone that was nothing like you at all but that just blew up in my face. You started hating me and then started going out with Jimmy, leaving me all alone. It's weird to not be with you all the time, you know? I mean, before we used to be great friends and then, I fucked it all up," he explained.

"We can still be great friends Zee. I'm just not gonna be with you all the time like we used to be. Things have changed since high school and I need to be able to have the space to be with someone else without you getting all jealous or whatever."

"I know. It's just gonna be weird to get used to."

"But you'll eventually adjust to it. I'm sure you'll find someone to be with in your own time if you stop running around like the whore you are," I smiled.

"Ahh fuck you," he chuckled, lightly pushing my arm.

"You wish you could," I said, poking my tongue out at him playfully.

"What are you, five?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Like you're any more mature than I am," I laughed, rolling my eyes at him.
"I've missed this, you know?" he asked after a moment of silence.

"I know," I nodded. "Me too."

He held his arms out to me as I leaned closer to him. He wrapped his arms around my body as I sighed, leaning my head against his shoulder. These were the kinds of hugs I missed from him. Things had been awkward for so long I wasn't sure what to think anymore but now, there weren't any weird feelings. It was just a friend hugging another friend and nothing more than that. I smiled a little at the thought.

"Well, at least now we know," he said, rubbing my back. "But I feel really bad about something now."

"What's that?" I asked.

"I feel bad because in most of my relationship with Morgan, she and I talked about taking the right times to break you two up and then when it actually happened that night, you found them together," he explained. "I had had no idea that you really did love him like that. I thought it was just whatever it was because I'm stupid when it comes to romantic feelings I guess."

"Oh," I said, pulling away from him slowly. "I don't blame you Zack. It's my own stupid fault for coming up with this farfetched idea and going through with it. The only one to blame for how I feel right now is me."

"London, you need to stop taking responsibility for all your feelings. You do realize that it's possible for other people to hurt you, right?"

"I know. You did that for quite some time but in the end, it's me. The reason you were hurting me was because I was the one that fell for you and said nothing. The reason Jimmy's hurting me now is because I fell for him like the idiot I am and now, all I'm doing is suffering the consequences," I sighed, running a hand through my messy hair.

"Jimmy's just as bummed out as you are right now," Zacky said.

"That's what Brian told me last night. He wants me to talk to him but I don't think I can," I admitted. "I'm scared of how much it'll hurt."

"You? Scared?" he asked astonished. "I've never really known you to be scared of anything Lon."

"With the recent events, it's become something that's more common for me," I told him.

I sighed and pulled my knees up to my chest, holding on to them tightly as I rested my head on my legs. I hated the weakness that I was copping to now. I wasn't weak but apparently when I've become completely heartbroken, there was just no strength left. I became this shell of the person I used to be and could barely function without constant reminder that I wasn't going to get a fairytale ending to a romance that most girls dreamed about.

Zacky looked as if he didn't know what to say to that but I didn't really expect him to. Zacky was a great friend when it came down to having someone silly to spend time with but he was never that great at communicating feelings. He only performed well at that task when it was absolutely necessary, for instance, the time after my father left. He was there for me then because I needed someone and though I needed someone now in this current state I was in, he knew he wasn't the one I needed. The person I really needed was the one that I couldn't have.

I felt Zacky pull me into his arms once again, holding me as I held myself, instantly comforted once again. This was what was meant to be between us. Those romantic feelings I thought I had for him were nothing more than ones of friendship now. I'm sure that before Jimmy came along, they had been genuine but now, everything's shifted so much that it just wasn't what my heart really wanted.

"I'm sorry London," he whispered against my skin.

"It's ok. It's not your fault," I sighed, leaning in closer to him and shutting my eyes.

"But I hate to see you like this," he said.

"I know but I'll get better in time," I told him, though I wasn't sure if that was completely true or not. "Right now, I just wanna head home."

"Alright," he nodded, pulling away from me. "I'll take you," he said.

"Thank you," I smiled.

We rolled out of the bed and got dressed. Zacky just put on a black Misfits shirt while I slipped back into my dress, finding it hanging up in the bathroom. My shoes were nowhere to be seen so I assumed that they were downstairs with my bag. I walked out of the bathroom to see Zacky waiting for me. He laughed a little, walking towards me and wiping the smudged eyeliner from my lower lid.

"That's better looking," he chuckled. "Though it still looks like I fucked you good last night with that wild hair."

I dropped my jaw in shock and slapped his arm, "Zacky! Fuckin' pervert," I said.

"Well, your hair is just screaming sex," he said in defense.

"Alright I guess you're right," I sighed, running a hand through it. "But oh well. When I get home, I plan to shower so it no longer looks like this."

"That definitely sounds like a good plan," he grinned.

We walked out of his bedroom and down the stairs, which gave me some trouble with the small amount of liquor that was still in my system. I held myself against Zacky as my wobbly legs stepped down each step carefully. When we reached the bottom, I let go of him, walking to the front door where I spotted my heels and purse in a pile on the floor. I gathered them up and walked out of the door, Zacky trailing behind me as he locked up his house.

I got into his Escalade after he unlocked the door, curling up in the passenger seat while he started the engine. He put his arm over the back of my seat and turned around, reversing out of his driveway and into the empty streets. In no time, we were on our way to my house.

Punk music was blaring from the speakers as we drove, though it was only adding to the building headache I felt in the front of my skull. I reached over and changed it, earning a quick playful glare from Zacky. I just smiled back at him weakly and started messing with the radio stations. I stopped when I found a familiar Taking Back Sunday song playing, removing my hand from the radio completely and curling back up into my seat, resting my head against the cool glass.

The drive back to my house was one in silence, the sounds of the radio playing familiar songs through the speakers the only exception to our silence. We didn't speak and I was comfortable with that. I had pulled my phone from my purse and saw that I had multiple missed calls from almost everyone. I sighed and put the phone away, knowing that when I got back home, I would have to explain things to Danni and Johnny, since he was likely to be there.

Zacky pulled up in front of the house and parked. He kept the engine running so I knew he wasn't staying, which I was ok with. I needed to spend the morning in a shower and sleeping in my own bed. I looked over at him quietly as he smiled at me.

"Thanks for everything Zacky," I said. "I really appreciate it."

"You're welcome babe," he grinned. "You think you'll be ok to get inside?"

"Oh yeah. I'm sure I'll be ok," I nodded.

"Well, call me later if you wanna hang out after your nap," he grinned. "We can watch movies or something equally boring."

"Ok," I smiled. I leaned forward, placing a small kiss upon his cheek and giving him a quick hug. He returned my hug briefly before pulling away from me. I opened the door and turned back to him, "Bye Zack."

"See you later London," he replied.

I got out of the car and slowly walked across the lawn to the front door, noticing that Zacky remained against the curb, watching me as I walked. I turned around and waved to him, signaling that it was ok to take off now that I didn't fall on my face to the door. He waved back and sped off down the street. I watched as the black utility vehicle shrank from my sight down the long street until I couldn't see him anymore. I sighed and turned back to the door, unlocking it quietly and stepping inside.

"Where the hell have you been?" I heard Danni's voice yell the moment I walked in through the door.

I sighed and dropped my shoes near the door before heading into the living room. When I got to the edge of the room, I noticed Danni standing in the middle of the room, looking at me expectantly while Johnny sat on the couch, still dressed in pajamas and trying to watch television looking around his fiancée that was standing directly in his line of vision.

"My God! You look like you had a sex marathon last night!" she said, taking sight of my appearance.

"Babe, could you move please?" Johnny's voice squeaked.

Danni's head snapped toward him, glaring at him for a moment that caused him to back down from his request. She then turned her gaze back to me, tapping her foot on the carpet, hands on her hips and waiting for my response. I laughed a little at what happened to Johnny and plopped down on the other couch and shut my eyes.

"Don't you ignore me London Leveque! Tell me where you've been!" she asked.

"I spent the night at Zacky's," I sighed.

"What? Please tell me that you two didn't have sex!" she said, pleading for the answer.

"We didn't have sex," I replied, opening my eyes and focusing on the television.

"Are you just saying that because I told you to say that or do you mean it?"

"I mean it. Nothing happened."

"Babe, please? I really wanna watch this show," Johnny begged.

Danni was reluctant at first but moved anyway, walking towards the couch I was sitting on. She took a seat beside me and studied me long and hard while I tried to keep my focus on the television.

"Why didn't you tell me about Jimmy?" she asked, sounding a little hurt.

I looked at her and noticed that her face had softened and she was genuinely hurt by my actions. I started feeling guilty for acting in such selfishness but she was so happy that I didn't want to ruin that for her. No one else had to be miserable for my sake.

"You just got engaged to Shortshit and were so happy. I didn't want to ruin that for you," I said.

"I was worried about you though. I knew that something was wrong and you wouldn't tell me," she replied.

"I know and I'm sorry. I just didn't want anyone hating Jimmy the way you hated Zacky. It's not fair to either of them since I was the one that had to go and fall in love with them."

"But I'm your friend London! You could've told me what was going on you know!" she said.

"I know and I didn't. It was stupid of me and I'm sorry that I've caused so much worry but you don't have to worry about it anymore. I'm ok," I told her, trying to sound convincing.

"You're a horrible liar, you know," Johnny said, his gaze still focused on the stupid cop drama on television.

I glared at him, though he wasn't paying any attention and then looked back to Danni, seeing that she was examining my features. She didn't seem to buy the fact that I was ok either, which pissed me off. I really needed to learn how to lie better.

"Alright, I'm not really ok but I'm slowly getting there," I sighed.

"You sure?" she asked.

"I think so. This morning I just cleared up some confusion I've been dealing with since forever ago and now, all that's left to mend is the broken heart," I told her.

"What do you mean that you cleared up confusion?" she asked.

"Zacky told me that he loved me," I sighed.

"He what?" she practically yelled.

"He told me that he loved me. We kissed and I felt nothing. He told me he felt nothing either and so we had a talk about what this meant," I explained.

"And?" she asked expectantly.

"And nothing. We're just friends. I did love him once but I love Jimmy more. The feelings I had for Zacky aren't romantic anymore. I just think of him now as a brother, which I guess was how it always was for the both of us. We've known each other for too long to make anything work in a real relationship," I told her.

"So you have no feelings for Zacky?" she asked.

"Nope," I sighed. "That issue's been resolved."

"What about Jimmy?" she asked.

"I'll get over it. Not all of us are cut out for love," I laughed emotionlessly.

"I'm sorry," she said, pulling me into a hug.

"It's fine. Don't worry about it," I said, hugging her back. "Just don't start calling him Sullivan or anything cuz there's no reason to be mad at him."

"Can I call him dipshit?" she questioned.

"I guess if you must," I laughed.

She pulled away from me and smiled. I ran a hand through my messy hair and sighed, feeling a little better about everything now that it was out in the open. I didn't feel so alone anymore, which was the main thing. I knew that Danni and Johnny were there for me, though Johnny didn't really pay much attention to the conversation due to his obsession with 'Law and Order'.

The morning had already been eventful and I hadn't been up for long. The only thing that I disliked about this morning was the reminder of my pain I still felt. Now that I was no longer confused about the situation between me and Zacky, I only had room left to experience the pain I felt in my situation with Jimmy. It was slightly overwhelming to know that most of the negative emotions I had were directed to him but then, also it was relieving since I knew the truth about my relationship with Zacky.

This whole morning seemed like an emotional rollercoaster that I wasn't ready for. Falling in love shouldn't hurt like this. I always seemed to be the one that drew the short end of the stick when it came to how things ought to be and this was no exception. When would I get my upside to love? When would this stop hurting me?