I Miss You so Far

"Skylar, wake up bud."

I couldn't see anything at first when my eyes opened, nothing but blurbs of shapes. When the focus came back to me I looked around the room, wondering why it seemed so familar.

There was the tree outside the window that looked as if it cradled the moon safely in it's branches, the toybox that held many a memory of my adventures as a pirate or an astronaut. I could see the night light in the corner that Mom had assured me would keep the monsters at bay, and then finally, the man at my door.

"Daddy."

The door cracked open, the light from the hallway suddenly spilling onto the floor.

My father stood there smiling, a blanket in his hands. "Wanna come watch the stars with me?"

I nodded hastily, jumping from my bed and darting across the room to him. He held a finger to his lips, grasping my hand in his and leading the way down the stairs. It seemed almost hours before we were at the door, the steps creaking every so often under our feet.

The smell of springtime greeted us warmly once I opened the door, dew drops and newly sprouted flowers caressing my toes as we stepped onto the grass. I gazed up at the night sky, mouth wide open as I took it all in. It was another world on its own, seeming so close while so far away.

The dampness of the ground didn't bother me as we layed on the old quilt that my great grandmother had sewn, the sea of cloth soft and warm through the thin fabric of my shirt. I could feel the soothing breath of the evening breeze sweep around me, lulling me to a dreary state as I counted constellations and thought about their stories.

Tales of myth and legend filled my mind along with the fact that there was nothing more that I enjoyed than this: just being with my father in a moment where time had no place. As we lie there under the stars there was no worry or fear, no reason to rush or hurry on. There were times where we'd stay out all night, waking to the beams of sunlight and the brilliant blue sky that hid away the stars until the next night.

"Daddy? Know how much I love you?" I asked suddenly, catching his attention.

"How much kiddo?"

"As much as 50 bazillion galaxies," I said with such an elaborate expression that he chuckled.

"Well you know what then? I love you more than all the stars and galaxies combined."

And just like that, he was gone.

---

Caden lie beside me, fast asleep with his arms wrapped around me. Killian was at the foot of the bed, a ball of fur in the dim light from the glow of my alarm clock.

Nothing was out of the ordinary, nothing except for the fact that where I'd been exactly three seconds ago was not my room, at least, not this room. There wasn't a tree outside my window, no toybox or nightlights. My walls were covered in posters, lyrics and photos, not crayon scribblings.

At once I darted my eyes to my bedroom door, finding it closed just like it usually was. No one was standing there, and certainly not..

Dad.

I couldn't remember the last time I'd dreamnt about my father. Ever since he'd died, the only images I had to remember him by were pictures and vague memories. But that, that was a full blown scene from my childhood. The last time I'd ever seen the stars with my father, before my parents started arguing.

The last happy memory I had of him.

Happy Birthday Skylar...

I didn't know I was shaking until Caden opened his eyes, trying to figure out what had me awake at close to midnight.

"What's wrong baby?"

It took me a minute to respond, as if I first had to convince myself that it was only a dream.

"I haven't dreamnt about my dad since the night he died, and..and that was only a nightmare. But I just had a dream, and he was there. He was there Cade. We were sitting outside of our old house, lying on an old blanket and looking up at the stars. He told me how much he loved me and I remember that after that, him and Mom started fighting. The stars - that was my last memory of him before he died. The last time he was happy."

He listened to all of my rambling patiently, waiting a few moments before he said anything. "I think he would've wanted you to remember that Sky. He would've wanted you to see that you were the reason he was happy."

I looked at him, feeling the tears well up in my eyes. All of this time, and I couldn't bear to think back to my childhood. My only memory was sitting in a pool of rushing blood, trying to hold together my dying father and wondering the whole time why I didn't try and stop it from happening.

I never considered that I was too young to understand, to guess what my father planned to do with the gun that I'd only caught a glimpse of at last minute. Never considered that I didn't have to blame myself for it.

"Come here Sky," Caden murmered, pulling me into his arms as I began to cry. He didn't try to stop it, just rubbed circles into my back and held me tight.

It wasn't my fault. I couldn't believe that after all this time, I never allowed myself to come to that. I didn't remember that a seven year old kid had no idea what suicide was, that a gun wasn't nessicarily a bad thing but that little kids just weren't allowed to touch one.

And had I known, what could I possibly have done? My father would have left me one way or another that day, and would it have been so much better to discover him lying there afterwards, never to know that his last words were that he loved me?

No, because in a twisted sort of way, it was right. He deserved to have someone truly know that what he did wasn't just random or selfish; someone that couldn't have stopped him no matter how badly they wished after he was already gone.

I know that Mom would have begged and pleaded with him, convincing him that things would get better. She would've embraced him with all she had once he lowered the gun, and things would've been okay for awhile. Underneath it all though, nothing would've been. For whatever reason he ended his life, I would've rather him done so than to live a life where he wasn't happy.

Even if it meant that he was gone forever.