I Have Been Right All Along

SARA’S POV

(Three weeks later)

I wake up in my bunk to a loud crash. My eyes fly open and I quickly fling the bunk curtains open. Looking around, all I see is blackness, no light what-so-ever so I grab my cell phone, looking at the time (11pm) before using it as a flashlight.

Eleven at night and the bus isn’t moving yet and won’t be for another hour. Curfew is strictly 11:30pm, not a minute later which means no one in Paramore will be on the bus until 11:30pm exactly.

Walking out of the bunk area I hear someone cussing in a hushed voice. The cursing belongs to a dark figure half lying on the kitchen counters which, upon closer inspection, turns out to be Brendon.

“Brendon what are you doing?” I ask, flipping on the lounge lights. This startles him, causing him to jump and immediately look to me, his eyes wide.

He stutters, “Well I-I came over here to see you, a-and I…” he pauses to catch his breath.

He continues his explanation in a calm and collected voice, “I ran into this piece of shit counter and knocked over all your guys’ empty cans you have sitting around, why do you have them sitting around?”

He whispers the last part before pausing to look behind him.

“And why is there a laptop in the middle of the floor?” he asks, pointing to the ground behind him, his eyebrows scrunched together. He looks a bit frustrated…and cute.

I smile, trying to contain my laughs.

“I don’t know, it’s not my laptop.”

A crooked smile appears on his face and he looks around the lounge for a moment.

“Were you sleeping?” he asks, scratching his head momentarily. I nod.

“I’m sorry,” he says breathily, I just smile back as I watch his nervous movements as if he’s trying to hide something from me.

“Well I just wanted to come and say hey, but I’ll let you get back to sleep,” he says after a few moments, turning around and heading towards the door. His stride is a bit unsteady and I have a feeling he’s been drinking more than usual.

“You don’t have to leave yet,” I say loud enough for him to hear as lean on the doorframe hoping he’d come back. He probably won’t. He’s been like this for the past few days. His visits are always fleeting and don’t last more than five minutes. I think he’s just afraid Josh will come around and be upset that I’m hanging out with Brendon.

But Josh has been a bit more accepting of my friendship with Brendon than he used to be. That was, of course, after I had a talk with him about how I can be friends with whoever I want and so can he. I don’t get mad at him for calling his friend from home, Rachel. He calls her every single night. Those two were so close to dating in the few months before tour that I’m quite surprised that Josh became so obsessed with dating me. My conclusion, though, is he got lonely and I was the closest, easiest way for him to get rid of that loneliness.

Anyway, Brendon, on the other hand has become more absent. He doesn’t hang around much, and if he does, it’s very momentary. I’m not quite sure what his problem is, if there is any at all.

After realizing that Brendon probably won’t return to the bus, I quickly head outside. It’s very dark and the only thing lighting up this place is the light from the moon and the lights on the venue, which is all the way across the parking lot. I see Brendon’s dark figure not too far away from my bus.

“Brendon,” I whine quietly to myself but apparently I wasn't that quiet since he heard me. He turns around to look at me questioningly.

“Why are you being so weird?” I ask. That’s not exactly how I wanted to go about asking him about what’s bothering him, but I had to think quickly!

He walks closer to me, the details of his face becoming clearer.

“Tonight or…” his voice trails off. I let out a sigh.

“I don’t know, sure,” I say, waving my hand around in the air.

“Well I’ve maybe, possibly had a few extra drinks - of what I cannot say - but I didn’t want you to find out because I don’t want you to be mad at me for it,” he says calmly, his slurring words barely noticeable. I can tell he’s trying really hard to hide it.

“Why would I be mad at you?” I ask, pouting slightly.

“I guess disappointed would be a better word to use,” he says, letting out a short laugh.

“I’m not here to tell you what to do. If you want to have a few extra drinks - of what you cannot say - then you go right on ahead. I don’t think I have any right to be disappointed in you because I’m not your mom or whatever,” I pause. “It’s your life…it’s whatever.”

“It’s not just tonight that I’ve had extra drinks, it’s been every night this week.”

“Why do you think that is?” I ask, having a good idea that Josh may or may not be part of the reason.

“I don’t know,” he says, looking at the ground for a moment. “It’s just weird seeing you and Josh together after, you know, kissing you on the roof of that building a few weeks ago. I really didn’t think you and him would be together for two weeks, if at all, even.”

My face softens. Why am I the constant cause of Brendon drinking more than usual?

“I’m just being fair to him. I promised him a chance. And I’m sorry for making you feel weird, but I swear it won’t last too much longer.”

Chatter comes from across the parking lot leaving Brendon no time to reply. Josh and the rest of Paramore are retreating back to the buses.

“We’ll talk more about this later,” I tell Brendon, touching his arm lightly. He nods just as everyone else approaches loudly.

“Cake!” Hayley yells, pointing at the big box in Jeremy’s hands.

I smile as Hayley skips over to me, throwing her arms around me for a hug. I hug her back.

“What’s the cake for? And who is it from?” I ask, letting go of Hayley. I get a closer look at the cake.

“It’s for our Platinum record! It went Platinum today!” Hayley explains excitedly.

“Oh awesome! Congratulations!” I say happily, eyeing the brightly decorated cake.

“Congrats, guys!” Brendon says, smiling wide.

“Thanks!” Josh says as the group heads towards the bus door.

I follow them, looking back at Brendon for a moment. He’s still standing where he was, that smile still spread across his place. I look back in front of me so as to not run into the back of Josh. He glances at Brendon then to me, then back to Brendon.

“Hey Brendon, why don’t you come have some cake with us?” he asks.

Hesitating for only a second, Brendon nods his head and replies, “Sure,” before following us inside the bus.

Once inside the bus, Jeremy sets the cake down on the counter, not, of course, before having Zac clear off all the cans off the counter, most of which Brendon had knocked over not even ten minutes ago.

“So who got you guys the cake?” I ask to no one in particular as I take a seat on the couch.

“Everyone in our crew pitched in,” Josh explains from the counter as he opens the box. Jeremy finds a knife and cuts into the cake.

“Who wants the first piece?” He asks, cutting more into the cake.

“I do!” Zac yells, quickly grabbing for a plate.

I look to Brendon, who awkwardly stands close to the exit of the bus. He smiles toothlessly at me and I pat the seat next to me, motioning for Brendon to sit down. He walks the few steps over to the couch and plops down.

“Josh won’t get mad, will he?” he asks quietly, making sure Josh doesn’t hear.

I slap his knee playfully and smile, “No! Of course not! And if he does he will quickly get a piece of my mind.”

He laughs, the light scent of alcohol on his breath passing across my nose.

“So exactly how much Vodka did you have?” I ask as I lean in close to him.

“How do you know I had Vodka?”

“I can smell it. The bleach smell isn’t hard to miss, Bren,” I reply before being summoned to the counter by Josh to come get a piece of cake.

I grab a piece for Brendon too before taking my seat next to him. Josh follows me, sitting to my right.

Everyone chatters happily about their new Platinum record status. Brendon stays quiet throughout the whole ordeal. I find this a bit odd since he’s usually the life of conversation, always butting in with his odd sense of humor, but not tonight. Tonight he stays quiet, only replying with a nod and a smile whenever conversation is directed towards him, occasionally saying a few words.

Later that night, after Zack came and took Brendon back to his bus for curfew, Josh and I, and the rest of the band, head to bed. Josh joins me in my bunk tonight. This bunk is not made for two, that’s for sure, at least not the two of us. Josh likes to take up a lot of room.

Our quiet conversation only consists of the Platinum record, but my mind constantly goes back to Brendon and how he isn’t acting like himself recently. How can I fix him?

Josh continues to talk, but I can’t listen. He puts his arm around my stomach, but I push it off. His fingers run through my hair, but I push them away. He scoots closer to me, but I scoot away. The push-and-pull-like actions go on for a while, but Josh eventually gives up trying to be intimate and goes to sleep. I eventually give up trying to sleep in my own bunk and go to Josh's.

Still the only thing I can think about is Brendon.