I Have Been Right All Along

SARA’S POV

Three days after I woke up with a massive headache next to Brendon in his bunk, he informed of what went down. I remember the drinks, but I don't remember kissing him...excuse me, making out with him. I was a little peeved that he didn't tell me sooner, but what could I really do about that?

After Brendon told me what happened, I immediately went to Josh during Paramore’s soundcheck crying my eyes out. Now I know it may not make sense for me to be so upset about it because I only agreed to date Josh to validate my point, but he is still my one of my best friends and cheating is one of the worst things you’d ever want to see happen to your best friend when they’re in a relationship. And what kills me is that I did it to my best friend.

When I told Josh what happened he wasn’t upset. Not at all. He just hugged me and told me everything was okay. He told me that he half expected it to happen.

He said, “I couldn’t expect you to spend an entire night alone with him and nothing happen. I know how you guys feel about each other and I guess I just wanted you to have what I knew you wanted. That's why I didn't argue with you about going to his bus that night."

He went on to explain that he should have just flat out told me no. And what kills me is what he said next.

“I knew it would happen, I just didn’t know when.”

I couldn’t speak when he told me that. It’s like he was expecting me to cheat on him.

I am not the type of girl to cheat. I believe that cheating is one of the worst things to happen in a relationship and I could not, absolutely could not believe that Josh would expect me to cheat on him, even with the circumstances surrounding why we were even a couple.

It has been six days since I cheated and three days since I told Josh. I have not spoken to Josh or Brendon in those past three days. Hayley has tried to talk to me, but I refuse. I know what she’s going to say and I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want lectured.

The extent of my past three days has been lying in bed. All day and all night. Every now and then my cell phone vibrates from texts from Brendon, Josh, Hayley. I never text any of them back. Occasionally Pete has texted me to see if I want to hang out and get away from everyone, but I never take him up on his offer.

I am caught off guard when someone open the curtains to my bunk.

“Sara,” they whisper. I roll over and see Ryan. I give him a faint smile, causing him to pout a little.

“Do you want to go out for lunch with me? We don’t even have to talk if you don’t want to,” he suggests quietly. The calmness in his voice sooths me and I am quick to roll out of bed.

“Yeah, I’ll go,” I say, grabbing some fresh clothes to change into.

I head to the small bathroom, avoiding the glances from everyone on the front of the bus. Unfortunately the bathroom is right off the front lounge and there is no way to hide.

As I change in the bathroom, I can hear the mumbled conversation through the thin walls.

“How’d you get her to come out? She won’t even talk to me,” Josh asks. I assume he’s asking Ryan.

“I don’t know. She just agreed to go with me,” he replies.

I quickly exit the bathroom and throw my dirty clothes onto my bunk before heading out to the lounge with Ryan.

“You ready?” he asks and I nod, following him out of the bus.

We have lunch in some small diner I don’t know the name of. I ordered an egg salad sandwich and water. It’s not much, but I don’t have much of an appetite. Ryan paid for my lunch after much refusing from me. He pointed out that five dollars wouldn’t do much damage and I had to give in.

I can only stomach three or so bites from my sandwich. I focus mainly on drinking the water. Ryan frowns at me and glances at my sandwich.

“You know, you should really eat.”

I take another sip of my water before answering, “I know. I’m just not that hungry.”

He doesn’t argue, just continues on eating his lunch for a few minutes.

He finishes his cheeseburger and wipes his mouth with the napkin.

Looking at me, he says, “Brendon says you’re not talking to him. Did he do something?”

I shake my head no.

“Are you sure? You can tell me, I won’t say anything to him. This is just between you and me.”

“I’m sure. No one has done anything except me. I feel really bad for cheating on Josh,” I stop, feeling tears prick my eyes.

“But what did Brendon do? Why aren’t you talking to him?”

“Nothing. He didn’t do anything,” my voice wavers. I stare down at my water.

“Then why won’t you talk to him?” he asks squarely, staring at me.

“I don’t know,” I wipe my eyes, telling myself to stop crying.

“We don’t have to talk about it, I’m just curious. No one really said exactly what happened. I only have Brendon’s side of the story and, from what I hear, he didn’t do anything wrong.”

I shake my head no, “The only thing he did wrong was wait three days to tell me what happened. I had no idea any of it happened.”

“What, kissing him?”

I nod.

“He said he wasn’t sure if you knew or not. He thought about it a lot. He told me about it and asked for my advice on what he should do.”

“How could he not know if I knew? I didn’t even say a single word to him about it. You know why? Because I didn’t know,” I say, my voice rising. My frustration is evident and Ryan is quick to backtrack himself.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you mad. I’m just trying to help you out. You shouldn’t have to feel the way you do about it.”

“I cheated. I deserve to feel this way.”

“Yeah but you know you don’t like Josh. Everyone knows you don’t like Josh, even Josh knows. I really don’t understand what the big deal is. You didn't do it behind anyone's back. Josh knew where you were and who you were with."

"But it still shouldn't have happened."

"Who cares? Josh pretty much forced you to date him."

"Yeah, I guess."

“So why aren’t you talking to Brendon?” he asks softly after a few moments.

“I don’t know.”

“There’s a reason for everything. You might not realize it, but you have a reason somewhere in that head of yours,” he says, smiling. I smile back and think.

“Well,” I pause. “I guess I just feel guilty for what happened between Brendon and I. I feel like I should keep myself away from him for a while until I can feel better about being around him.”

“What’s the reason for feeling guilty?”

I stop to think again, but it doesn’t take long to figure out the answer.

“Josh,” I say, shrugging my shoulders.

“You need to break up with Josh,” he says, his voice firm.

"And you need to talk to Brendon. Get over the cheating, it’s not the end. It’s just the beginning of something else with Brendon."

-------

Later that night when I finally broke up with Josh and got my ‘best friend Josh’ back, I let things go. I let go of the fact that I cheated and the fact that Josh expected me to. Those things happened for a reason. Reason being I wasn’t supposed to be dating him in the first place.