I Have Been Right All Along

SARA’S POV

I stand at the side of the stage and watch as Paramore plays the last song of their set. Hayley jumps around the stage, her red hair shining bright in the lights that dance across the stage. I look to the crowd, watching everyone’s hands bobbing up and down enthusiastically. The song ends abruptly, followed by the band thanking the crowd before they filter off stage around me, quickly heading to the dressing rooms to get a shower. I watch as the roadies remove Paramore’s equipment, replacing it with Panic’s.

After fifteen minutes pass, I feel someone tap me on the shoulder. Turning around, I see none other than my ex fiancé Justin. I am genuinely caught by surprise, fully expecting Brendon to be standing there, or at least anyone but Justin.

“What are you doing? How did you get back here?” I ask, my voice firm. I immediately cross my arms.

“I have friends who work here. And I came to see you. I just thought –“

“I don’t want to talk to you,” I interrupt.

“Just hear me out.”

I shake my head, “This really isn’t a great time.”

“I just wanted to talk to you about us,” he says loudly, trying to get his voice to be heard over the music that plays over the speakers.

I roll my eyes, “There is no us,” I say, putting air quotes around the word ‘us’.

“But there used to be. And I want ‘us’ back.”

“Absolutely not,” I snort, letting out a short laugh. I can’t believe this guy had the nerve to find me. I didn’t actually think he’d show up.

“Please just tell me why,” he pleads, reaching out to put his hands on my arms. I step back to avoid his touch.

“Because I said no,” I reply with a glare.

“Don’t you have a reason? I at least deserve that.”

I snort again, “Like hell you do! Do you even remember what you did to me? I didn’t get an explanation for what you did.”

“I know what I did,” he says so quietly that I barely hear him.

“Yeah, sure,” I say sarcastically, attempting to shove past him but he holds out his arm stopping me.

I hold my hands up at him, trying to avoid his touch, “Okay, Justin. You can quit being a dick now.”

“How am I being a dick?” he asks, dropping his arm to his side. He tries to give me the puppy dog eyes, but the only thing it makes me want to do is gag.

I stare at him for a few seconds. Annoyed can’t even accurately describe how I’m feeling in this moment. A thousand reasons why he is being a dick, and a thousand reasons why he’s always been a dick run through my mind all at once.

“I can’t even begin to describe all the ways. I need to go.”

This time I successfully walk away from him but, of course, he follows me.

“Sara, come on! I want to know why!” he yells from behind me.

I stop in my tracks and quickly turn around, crossing my arms tightly.

“What? For what?” I ask sharply, sounding more ticked off than I intended.

“For why you don’t want to get back together.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me! If you recall what you did to me, there’s your reason.”

“But I’m still in love with you,” he pleads just as Brendon walks by.

Great timing, Justin. I roll my eyes and watch Brendon stop in his tracks and turn around. Justin notices my gaze locked behind him. He turns around to see where my attention lies.

By the time I can think of words to form, the rest of the guys in Panic have walked by and noticed that something’s up.

“This isn’t a great time,” I say firmly to Justin, who looks just as confused as everyone else.

I turn to walk away, but Justin quickly follows, “No time is a great time, then, right?”

“Exactly! Please leave!” I say, feeling those annoying tears beginning to burn my eyes due to my frustration.

“I’ll leave when I get an explanation. I didn’t come all the way here for nothing.”

“I already told you!” I yell through tears, throwing my hands up.

“I really don’t think what I did was even that bad. I was just figuring stuff out,” he attempts to explain, which only causes me to become more frustrated and annoyed.

“You’re kidding, right? Figure stuff out? We were supposed to get married. Leaving me seven months before we were to get married isn’t figuring stuff out, Justin. You’re a fucking idiot.”

“But that’s what I was doing.”

I shake my head, feeling more tears falling. The only thing he’s doing now is making me more frustrated and rehashing what happened.

“What you think you did and what you actually did are two different things here. Maybe you were figuring stuff out, but what you did to me was make me feel worthless, like I didn’t really mean anything to you. That’s what you did,” I begin, tears falling rapidly down my cheeks.

I continue, “We looked at wedding bands the week before we broke up, for God’s sake! And what were you doing? You were hanging out with your new interest while still with me. You pretended to love me the whole time. It kind of makes everything else seem like a lie – a three year lie.”

Brendon walks over at this point, grabbing onto my wrist, attempting to gently pull me away. I lightly pull back not letting it happen, my focus still glued on Justin.

“And so I don’t exactly need to explain anything to you. The reason for my decision is what you did, so just live with that, okay? Live with it and get over it. There’s nothing else to do, I would know. I had to do the same thing a year ago when you decided I wasn’t good enough.”

At this point I am unable to stop the tears. All Justin has done is made the hurt come back from a year ago.

Brendon steps between Justin and myself, grabbing onto my upper arms, “Sara, stop.”

I ignore Brendon, pushing on his chest to get him out of the way, “I forgave you, Justin. But what I will never do is forget what you did to me.”

Justin only looks at me, licking his lips momentarily. He nods, shifting his eyes to the ground and that’s when I know I’ve finally gotten my point across.

“I’m sorry I made you upset, and I really am sorry for how I made you feel last year.”

“To me it was all worth it. It helped me realize that I only loved you as a friend, not as someone I’d want to spend the rest of my life with. We would have divorced, anyway, with how many times you made me feel like shit. And I don’t need you here making me feel like shit again,” I say just before walking away.

I try to leave the building but am stopped by Brendon.

“Sara, wait,” he says from behind me.

I stop and close my eyes, taking a few deep breaths, wiping my eyes quickly. I open my eyes to Brendon standing in front of me, a frown on his face.

“Who was that? Are you okay?”

“My ex, and I’m fine.”

“Ex fiancé?” he asks, looking me square in the eyes making me uncomfortable.

I look away from him momentarily, nodding. I can tell he doesn’t know what to say as he stands there in front of me biting on his lower lip.

“You never mentioned him,” he says and I can feel the hurt in his words.

“Yeah, on purpose.”

All he does is continue to look at me, standing there with nothing to say. I do the same, not bothering to wipe the tears that keep streaming down my cheeks.

“Brendon, we gotta go!” Jon yells from down the hall.

Brendon sighs loudly, looking away from me. I honestly don’t even know what to say to him right now, and it upsets me that I am leaving him feeling confused right before he goes onstage.

“I’m going back to the bus. Have a good show,” I say dully, quickly heading towards the door to the outside.

“Hang on!” he yells, jogging towards me.

“I just want to be alone, Bren,” I say back, not turning around.

He picks up his pace, catching up to me. As I reach for the bar on the door, he steps in front of me, putting his hands on my shoulders.

“Yesterday and today have been the most frustrating days. I just really want to be alone right now,” I say before he can get out his words.

“I don’t want to do the show knowing you’re this upset.”

“I’m fine, trust me,” I respond, knowing I don’t look or sound very convincing with the tears staining my face.

“You don’t look fine,” he says, bringing me in for a hug, but I don’t wrap my arms around him, still feeling too annoyed and upset.

“I’m not mad at you, if you’re worried about that,” Brendon says. I feel the vibrations of his voice reverberating through his chest to my cheek.

“Brendon! Come on!” Ryan yells anxiously from down the hall.

“Just go do your show. I’ll be all right. We can talk after.”

He lets go of me and walks backwards down the hall so he can look at me. I look back at him sadly. The way Justin made me feel still lingers. Seeing him again brought back all those feelings I thought I had forgotten. I guess just seeing his face for the first time since that day renewed all the hurt.

Brendon stops in his tracks as I begin to sob, but I quickly turn around to exit the building. I quickly make my way towards the bus but, once again, am stopped by Brendon.

“Just go, Bren, I’m fine,” I say through the tears.

“I can’t,” he says, grabbing a hold of my face before placing his lips on mine.

I kiss him back, but the kiss doesn’t help me to feel any better.

“Ugh, Sara. I can’t do the show with you like this,” he looks down at me, both of his hands on his cheeks, pulling down slightly.

I press my palms into my eyes and sniff.

“Why don’t you go lay down in my bunk? You can stay with me tonight.”

I nod, still covering my eyes. He wraps his arm around my waist, leading me to Panic’s bus.

Once there, he walks me to his bunk. I sit down and look up at him.

“I don’t know why I’m crying over that asshole,” I say loudly as I look up at him, flopping my hands down beside me.

He rests his hands on the bunk above me, looking down at me between his arms.

“Are you sure you’re okay? I can delay a bit longer if you want me to sit with you for a minute.”

“No, I’m fine,” I smile up at him.

He smiles back at me, which calms me instantly. He stands there for a few more seconds and then reaches down to place his hands on either side of my face, giving me a quick kiss.

“I’ll be back in a little bit,” he says quietly. I nod just before he hurries off.

I sit in that spot for a few minutes thinking about what just happened. The nerve Justin had to come and find me on tour. I don’t even know who told him that I was on tour, but if I ever find out, they will get a piece of my mind. I’m just glad Brendon didn’t get mad at me. He actually made me feel better. I don’t know what other guy would delay a concert for me, but it really speaks volumes about Brendon. It proves he actually cares a whole heck of a lot about me to do that.

As soon as I lay down in Brendon’s bunk I breathe in his scent. His pillow smells of his shampoo, his sheets of his cologne. All of it together calms me even more, allowing my eyes to rest and my breathing to slow. I feel myself drifting off to sleep, so I allow the calmness to overcome my body.

-----

I later awake to the bus door slamming. I turn in the bunk, facing the narrow hallway, unsure of who I will see, but find out it was Hayley who slammed the door.

“Brendon told me what happened, are you okay?”

It takes me a few seconds to remember what she’s talking about.

“Oh, yeah, I’m fine,” I say stretching my arms out in front of me, my fingers hitting the bottom of the bunk above me.

“He said you were pretty upset. Justin’s such an ass!”

I blink at her a few times, then sit up, “I was just really frustrated and annoyed. That’s not how I wanted Brendon to find out about him.”

“Well besides that, what Justin did to you and the nerve he had tracking you down! Didn’t you already tell him no?”

I nod, “Yeah, I did.”

Hayley rolls her eyes, letting out a sigh. She looks at me and shakes her head as she stands in the narrow hall.

“What time is it?” I ask.

“Nine thirty. Panic’s only got a couple of songs left. You wanna go inside and watch?”

“Yeah, sure,” I reply with a smile.

I slide out of the bunk and stretch my arms above my head, yawning. I follow Hayley out of the bus and once we get outside, we walk side by side.

“Wouldn’t that just be creepy if Justin is out here waiting for me?” I laugh, glancing at Hayley.

“Better not be! He will not like what I have to say to him!” she says, looking around the parking lot lit only by the lights on the venue.

I let out a loud laugh, “Where were you when he was actually here?”

“Unaware, apparently!” she laughs back as we reach the door.

We hurry inside and quickly make our way through the halls to the side of the stage. Brendon can be heard playing ‘Folkin’ Around’ on the acoustic guitar. Brendon finishes the song, his eyes closed. He only notices Hayley and I at the side of the stage during a quick run to switch out guitars. A smile spreads across his face as he hurries towards us, his arms outstretched.

I grin at him. Just seeing him smile makes me feel happy.

“Hey! I thought you’d be sleeping!” he yells, picking me up for a second.

“I woke her up on accident,” Hayley answers for me.

“We have one song left, you going to wait for me?” he asks as he grabs his guitar.

I nod at him, smiling, “Of course.”

“Perfect,” he replies, then hurries back on stage.

I can spot the glares from a lot of the girls in the crowd aimed toward me.

“Last song?” Patrick asks, walking up beside Hayley and I.

I nod, “Yep,” just as Ryan announces that it’s the last song of the night for them.

The lights blaze blue as the band plays ‘Northern Downpour’. The crowd sings along with Brendon, their camera’s filming the performance.

“I heard your ex showed up. What was that all about?” Patrick asks, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

I look over at him, rolling my eyes.

“He’s an asshole and ruins everything, to put it simply.”

He lets out a bellowing laugh, “Don’t they all?”

“What, you have a similar story?”

“Yep,” Patrick says with wide eyes.

“Let’s hear it.”

He closes his eyes and sighs, then clears his throat, “I dated a girl for several years. She cheated on me and we broke up. She came back, I said no, she asked why, and I said fuck off...to put it simply.”

I punch his arm lightly with a huge smile on my face, “I like your style!”

“Yeah? How’d it go down for you?”

“Pretty much same story.”

“Similar style, then, huh?”

“Exactly. Maybe we’re telepathically connected.”

He laughs again, wrapping his arm around my shoulder.

Pete walks up, the blue lights tinting his skin. He looks at Patrick and I then to the stage. Then, as if he suddenly realizes something, he snaps his head back at Patrick and I, pointing.

“Brendon will be pissed if you steal his girl, Patrick!”

Patrick removes his arm from around my shoulder, holding his hands up, “I’m not stealing anyone’s girl!”

Pete laughs at himself, quite amused, “Just kidding.”

Panic finishes their songs and quickly head off stage. Brendon comes straight over to me with a huge smile on his face.

“Patrick’s trying to steal your girl,” Pete tells immediately, pointing a thumb towards Patrick, who looks super innocent.

“Coming from your mouth, I don’t believe it.”

Hayley butts in, “I mean, look at him. Totally innocent!”

Patrick flashes a mischievous smile at Brendon, causing everyone to bust out laughing.

“I’m going to go shower real quick, I’ll meet you at the bus,” Brendon says hurriedly before trying to walk away.

“Meet and greet in thirty,” Patrick yells back at him.

“Oh yeah! Thanks!” Brendon yells, pointing at Patrick, then runs off.

We stand there for a moment and I notice Pete staring at me. I look over at him, his eyebrows raised with a toothless smile.

“What?” I ask defensively.

He lets out an airy laugh through his teeth, “Aren’t you guys together yet?”

“No –“

“Why not?” he interrupts.

“He hasn’t asked me.”

“Why not?” he questions, as if it’s bizarre that I haven’t been asked.

“Kind of a lot of stuff has been happening, I’m sure I’ve almost talked him out of it by accident.”

“Oh shit, yeah. Didn’t your ex show up today?”

I nod, glancing at Patrick, whose eyes are concentrated on me.

“I could have kicked his ass for you. If he comes back, find me,” he says.

Patrick laughs, which causes Pete to become defensive.

“What? I’d fight him.”

“Never said you wouldn’t,” he replies smiling.

“So what’s the story with your ex?” Pete asks.

“He’s an asshole,” I say simply, shrugging, as if that explains the whole story.

“Well clearly.”

I shift my stance from one foot to the other, getting a little uncomfortable with the topic of conversation.

“I don’t know that I really feel like talking about it.”

“Sorry,” Pete blurts out quickly, backing out of the conversation quickly.

“And it’s not that I’m hurt by it, I just…it just happened and I kind of need a break from it for a while. I still need to explain it all to Brendon, I haven’t even talked to him about it yet.”

“He doesn’t know about him?” Pete asks, his face scrunched up with confusion.

I laugh, “I never told him about Justin. Brendon just happened to walk by when I was yelling at him.”

Pete’s mouth hangs slightly open and Patrick stares at me with wide eyes. Hayley stands by my side, watching me as I talk, being the only person here who knows the whole story.

“You never talked about previous relationships with him?” Pete asks.

“Well yeah, but I just didn’t mention Justin. Is that bad?” I ask, looking at both guys as I cover my lips with my blonde hair.

Patrick glances over at Pete, who does the same.

“Um, well, I mean…” Patrick starts, but Pete cuts him off.

“Why just leave out one relationship, though?”

“Because I was engaged to him. I didn’t really think it was worth mentioning.”

“What? Engaged?” Pete asks, surprise evident in his voice.

I nod, “Yes.”

“That’s probably worth mentioning,” Patrick says politely.

“Well the whole story with it might change your mind.”

“Give us a summary,” Pete suggests.

I lick my lips and look around, trying to think of the simplest way I can explain.

“Okay, so the thing is I wasn’t real interested in Justin from the get-go. He was the one who approached me, so that’s why I took interest. We started dating and what-not. It went pretty fast and he talked about how much he liked me and how it was different with me. So I fell for it and we got engaged a year and a half in. He became very sensitive toward how I acted. If I got annoyed, he would get mad at me. And him getting mad was defined by him not talking to me and his inability to admit that I was the reason for him getting mad. He couldn’t ever give me an example of what I did that made him upset, so I couldn’t ever fix what I did. Things went good for a while, but honestly in the back of my mind I just knew that it wasn’t right. I thought about breaking up with him, but I was just scared of the change that it would bring. I like things to be planned out and breaking up would take away those plans. I didn’t have plans beyond our relationship so I was willing to marry him. Honestly, I think I would have been okay with it. I mean, I loved him, but not in the right way. I don’t think I was in love with him. Anyway, after our three-year anniversary he told me his feelings changed. Basically he wanted to date someone he worked with. We tried to work things out for a few weeks, but ended up breaking up.”

The guys still stare at me intently, waiting for more.

“That’s it,” I shrug, glancing at each of them.

“And he came back today to try to get back with you?” Patrick asks, sounding a little ticked off.

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“Wow,” Pete says, his eyes darting around as he stands there in thought.

“There’s tons more to the story, but that’s just the basic version.”

I notice Brendon hurrying back to where we are, his hair still wet.

“Here comes the hurricane,” Patrick says jokingly as we all watch Brendon dance his way back to us.

“I got first shower,” he says proudly.

“Lucky you, dude. I never get first,” Patrick says.

Brendon nods, “That’s because my band mates are nicer than yours.”

He looks around at all four of us, his eyebrows slowly coming together.

“You guys were talking about me, weren’t you?”

“No,” Pete says quickly.

Brendon looks directly at him, “Then why was everyone watching me walk over here? Your conversation stopped once you noticed me.”

“We just got done with the conversation we were having. Why are you so paranoid,” Pete states, staring right back at him.

“I was talking to them about Justin,” I explain.

He just looks at me. I can tell he’s a bit put off because I haven’t even told him about Justin.

“Now they know and I don’t?” he asks.

I take a deep breath in and look to Patrick, who moves his eyes from me to Brendon and back.

“I just gave a summary,” I say as Zack walks up.

He motions for all of us to follow him, “Meet and greet time.”