I Have Been Right All Along

SARA'S POV

I don’t exactly know when Brendon left or even where he slept last night. I went to bed well before he did; he and the guys stayed up and played video games. Hayley and I were the only ones with half a mind to go to bed at a decent time.

By the time I get out of bed, it’s already 3:30pm. I decided to sleep all day because I wanted to shorten the length of time for those looks of pity people give me towards my change in attitude. Today is the only day I ever allow myself to feel unhappy. That’s not saying I never feel unhappy, but on this particular day every year for the past five, I let myself show how unhappy I am about my parents not being here, supporting me and guiding me.

I get out of my bunk and drag my feet to the bathroom before officially showing my face to my friends. I walk out into the main part of the bus and smile weakly at everyone’s gazes. Only Paramore is on this bus at the moment, thankfully.

“Hey Sara,” Hayley says to me from her seat at the table. She’s currently eating cheese puffs out of a bowl while reading some magazine.

“Good afternoon,” I laugh, sliding into the booth seats at the table, seating myself in front of her. I reach my hand into the cheese puff bowl and glance out of the window, struggling to look in between the cracks in the blinds to see the bright, sunny day that’s taking place outside. A game of hacky sack catches my eye and I watch as Jon, Brendon, Spencer, and Pete kick around the small, yarn-like ball.

A few more minutes pass with no words exchanged between anyone on the bus. Jeremy and Zac sit on the couch, their attention fully on the horror movie playing on the TV. Josh’s attention is limited to his laptop screen. Hayley keeps her nose in that magazine and I eat cheese puffs as if it were my job. I tune into the horror movie but immediately regret so as several people get murdered. I close my eyes and let out a sigh before groaning and dropping my head onto the table.

“Sorry, Sara,” Zac apologizes to me for choosing the worst movie possible to watch today of all days.

The bus door opens and loud chatter floods the small enclosure of a bus. I don’t lift my head up, knowing my attention would be turned to one of two things I don’t want to face; murder movie madness or boisterous band boys. I’m not sure I want to interact with either.

“Hey guys, who wants to go out for a late lunch? There’s no catering today and everyone is hungry,” Brendon asks, sounding quite hyper.

Still, my head is on the table as few murmur an unenthusiastic, “Sure.”

I hear the horror movie’s sounds come to an end, the magazine being dropped onto the table, and footsteps scurry about, yet I remain, unfazed, my head still resting on the tabletop.

“Is she okay?” I hear one of the guys ask.

Josh takes the responsibility of answering that question with, “Yeah, she’s…she’s fine.”

I lift my head up and give a toothless smile to whoever asked. Turns out it was Pete. He smiles back and walks over to the table, sliding in where Hayley once was.

“Are you coming to lunch with us?”

I snort, replying with, “Isn’t it a little late to be having lunch?”

Pete shakes his head, tapping his fingers on the table idly. “It’s never too late to have lunch. We all just got up at the normal people lunch time, so this is our lunch time; three thirty.”

I laugh and nod, sliding out of the booth to stretch.

“Yeah I’m coming. I’m not really hungry, though,” I say before walking back to the bunks to change into a pair of skinny jeans and a white long sleeve shirt. I comb out my hair and put it up in a loose pony tail, some of the layers in my hair falling out of the pony tail holder, hanging loosely on the sides of my head.

Josh and Hayley sit on either side of me in Denny’s. Pete, Brendon, and Patrick sit in front of me, providing the bulk of the conversation at our table. Table for six.

Everyone else had to be separated from us; Denny’s employees were not allowed to move tables, apparently. Not today. But it doesn’t really matter; the rest of the guys’ table is about two feet away from ours, making conversation between everyone still accessible, yet slightly louder.

As everyone eats their food, I endure worried glances from everyone not in Paramore as I sit there and watch everyone else eat. I don’t say but maybe five words the entire time, I just listen in on all the different conversations going on around me as I stare off into the distance at nothing in particular as I try to imagine the situation and setting of whatever random, off-the-wall story I happen to be tuning into at the moment.

I feel a knee bump lightly into mine under the table and focus my gaze on the person in front of me; Brendon. He’s eyes hint at worry as he smiles lightly at me, his arms folded in front of him on the table, pushing his empty plate into the center of the table. I smile back, but don’t say anything.

“Your eyes look different today,” he says quietly, but I hear him.

“How so?” I ask. My voice feels weak and unused from the lack of happy conversation I usually take part in. He purses his lips as he concentrates on looking into my eyes for an answer.

“They don’t look as bright as they usually do,” he replies, still searching my eyes. I look down, slightly uncomfortable at the constant stare from his big brown eyes.

“Yeah,” I say, not sure of what else to say. I know exactly what he means about my eyes. Typically my eyes are a bright blue-green, but when I let myself feel this way, my eyes dull down. I’ve noticed it myself.

I stare at the sticky table, knowing what he’s about to say next. I quickly tune into the seemingly distant conversations going on around me, wishing hard that Hayley and Josh could possibly save me from Brendon’s questions.

“What’s wrong?” he asks; I knew it was coming.

I look up, above his head, then into his eyes before scooting my chair backwards and getting up. I make my way towards the restrooms, hoping to get away from his questions that I’m not ready to answer yet. I walk into the women’s bathroom and grab a paper towel, feeling the unwanted tears fill my eyes. The door slowly opens and Hayley walks in, immediately walking over to me, encompassing me in a hug as I let a waterfall of tears fall from my eyes. I stop myself, though, pulling out of the hug forcefully.

“Why am I crying? I don’t need to be crying,” I say quickly, wiping my eyes furiously, throwing away the paper towel.

Hayley just looks at me, not saying a word because she knows. I do this every year; begin to cry, but stop myself. It eventually all crashes on me all at once at a random point during the day. I’m quite determined to not let it happen this year, though.

“It’s been five years, Hayley.”

“I know,” she says quietly.

“Five years; I don’t need to cry over this anymore. Crying about it won’t solve anything. It can’t bring my dad back. It can’t bring my bitch of a mother back.”

Hayley stands there, anticipating the long outburst I usually dish out over this every year. I just sigh, though, not releasing anything else that I’m feeling.

“What happened; what made you leave the table?” Hayley asks.

“Brendon got suspicious and asked me what was wrong,” I sigh.

“Are you going to tell him?” she asks, leaning against the sink. I sniff and nod, keeping my gaze down at the floor.

“We should go back,” I say quietly, leaving her in the bathroom for a moment as I walk back to the table.

As soon as I get to the table, Brendon immediately starts apologizing.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to -- “

“You didn’t do anything,” I cut in, waving off his apology with my hand and a forced, pleasant smile. Hayley takes a seat next to me, unfazed from my actions.

“Are you sure, because I -- “ Brendon starts again, but I stop him, putting my hand on top of his, which rests on the table. I shake my head at him.

“You did not do anything to make me upset. What made me upset happened five years ago today, and that’s what’s wrong with me and that’s why I’m upset.”

He stares back at me in slight shock, his gaze locked onto mine.

“You did nothing,” I finish, taking my hand off his. He lets out a light relieved sigh, his face softening up only a little bit from the worry that was written so deep across his features.

Shortly thereafter, we all leave Denny’s, quickly heading back to the venue so everyone can get dressed and warmed up for the show. Tonight is Paramore’s night to headline, leaving them to play last following Panic at the Disco and Fall Out Boy respectively.

As Panic plays their set, I sit in the dressing room with Paramore as they all warm up for the show. Josh sits next to me, idly strumming his guitar.

After a while, he turns to me, asking, “Do you want to get some ice cream after the show?”

I smile at him and nod. “Sure.”

He smiles back at me and nudges his elbow into my arm, leaning close to my ear with a smirk.

“That was my idea to help you get your mind off of the day,” he says quietly before giving me a one-armed hug, his arm firmly wrapping around my shoulders. I reach over and hug him back, thanking him as I do.

“Good luck!” I yell out to the members of Paramore as they hurry out onto the stage. I watch the first few songs they play before deciding to go back to the bus.

I don’t quite make it all the way to the bus before Brendon catches me in the back parking lot. The night is cool and barely any stars are out because we’re in a city; some city.

Anyway, Brendon catches me in the parking lot, mere inches away from the bus door. He walks up to me, hands in his pockets and a smile on his face; he always seems to have a smile on that face of his.

“Hey,” he says as I reach for the door handle. I open the door and step in, inviting Brendon in as I do so.

“What’s up?” I ask him, plopping down on the couch. He takes a seat next to me, folding his legs underneath him Indian-style.

“Seeing what’s up with you,” he laughs, turning to face me. I don’t look at him; I smile and look down at my hands, watching my fingers pick at my cuticles. “Why weren’t you going to watch Paramore’s headlining show?”

I shake my head for a moment before looking over to him.

“A couple of reasons, but to put it simply, today’s not the best day for me to be able to sit and watch. This day is almost over and I have things I need to think about. I’d rather sit on the bus and mull over my thoughts rather than do that in front of them and thousands of other people who could see me sitting on the side of the stage.”

Brendon looks at me for several moments before asking, “Do you want to talk about it?”

I nod and make myself comfortable, mirroring Brendon’s Indian-style position.

“It’s the whole ‘biggest secret’ thing we were talking about a few days ago,” I say, letting out a slight laugh.

“Actually, let’s go to the back lounge,” I say, standing up. I wait for him to get up before heading back there. “If everyone comes back, I’d rather not be in their faces about this whole thing.”

Brendon shuts the door behind him before joining me on the U-shaped couch. I sit in the corner of the couches and Brendon sits to my left.

“I’m so confused right now,” Brendon admits, laughing at himself, so I begin to explain everything to him.

I told him that the reason I’ve been upset all day is because of the whole thing with my parents. I told him that it was also my biggest secret. When I explained to him what happened to my parents, he looked absolutely appalled; his eyebrows rose considerably and his eyes widened. His mouth also hung slightly ajar, unable to close.

“But don’t be all, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry,’ towards me. I hate that,” I laugh out, trying to hide the tears that I so desperately don’t need to fall.

“That’s…wow,” he pauses to scratch his head. His eyebrows crinkle together as I watch him sit there feeling quite uncomfortable. “I don’t even know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything, really,” I look up at him and wipe my eyes, trying to hide the tears, once again, with a smile.

Brendon stands up, holding his arms out for a hug. I get up and wrap my arms around his torso as he wraps his arms around my shoulders and back, resting his chin on my head. My face is smashed into his chest and I realize that he smells really good; like really good smelling cologne that I’ve never smelled before and clean laundry…I also smell a hint of Red Bull on his breath, not doubting that he’d drank some not too long before joining me on the bus.

“If you ever want to talk about it, I’m here,” he says, releasing me from the hug. “I’m sure Hayley and the guys have been there for you, but if you need someone new.”

I nod and smile, “Thanks.”

I stand there for a few more seconds, feeling that familiar sting in my eyes right before my vision blurs. I’m not quite sure if it is because of how thoughtful and caring Brendon’s offer was for me to have someone new to talk to about all of this or if it was just over my parents; probably a combination of both, but either way, I excused myself to the bathroom.

I don’t know why I decided to run off to the bathroom, it’s not like no one can’t hear me crying in there. Brendon did offer his ear for me to talk off if I needed someone. He just told me he was there for me and I took off when I needed someone the most. Way to go, self.

While sobbing on the floor of the small bathroom, I hear the bus door close followed by many footsteps. People begin talking and I figure its Paramore coming back on the bus. I’m not sure if Brendon left yet or not, but hearing his distinct, worried, mumbled voice, I realize he never left…and he’s standing right outside of the bathroom door probably waiting for me to come out or an opportunity to come in.

“Sara?” Josh asks from the other side of the bathroom door, knocking lightly a few times. I don’t answer; I can’t answer.

“Sara, its Josh. Are you alright?” he asks again. I don’t reply, just bring myself to sit on the toilet lid, face in my hands. I try to will myself to stop crying so hard.

“I’ll be out in a minute,” I say after a few seconds, trying to sound like I wasn’t just crying really hard. I just end up sounding really stupid.

I stay in the bathroom for a few more minutes as the talking outside of the bathroom door ceases. I clean up my face as best I can and look somewhat presentable when I exit the bathroom. I look into the front lounge, not finding Paramore, just Brendon. He immediately looks up at me from his iPhone and smiles a little.

“Sorry,” I say, feeling my face heat up a little from embarrassment.

Brendon’s eyebrows crease together and his lips go to a slight pout. “Don’t be.”

He gets off the couch and pockets his cell phone before stretching his arms above his head.

“Everyone went out to dinner,” he says, shifting his stance so all of his weight is put on his right foot. I nod. The fluorescent lighting inside the bus shines dimly upon us.

“Do you want to go out to eat? Just us two?” he asks, his eyes squinting somewhat.

I smile and say, “I’d like that.”

He grins at me before I turn around to grab my cell phone from my bunk quickly. We head out of the bus, him leading the way.

There are several restaurants lining the street the venue is on. Brendon lets me choose which one to dine in. I picked a small, unfamiliar restaurant with red curtains. Upon entering, the lighting is dim, not in the fluorescent kind of way, but in the candle kind of way. The warm glow shines on Brendon and me, immediately making me feel welcome and comfortable. We pick a table in one of the back corners, away from any windows; a table for two. It’s nice and cozy back here in the corner, just the two of us. No one else is sitting near-by; then again, it is about 11:30pm. Not many people eat dinner at this time.

After ordering our drinks and food, I decide to speak up as nothing has been exchanged between us except for glances and smiles.

“Sorry about earlier when I ran off to the bathroom. I feel really bad because you had just told me you were there for me if I needed to talk. I should have talked with you; I don’t know why I didn’t.”

Brendon is quick to respond, “No, no; don’t be sorry. I didn’t take offense by it. You needed time to yourself.”

I shake my head, “What I needed was a distraction…a conversation.”

“It’s okay to cry, Sara. You have every reason to cry over what happened.”

“I don’t need to cry over it. I cried over it for a very long time after it happened. It’s been five years; five years of me secretly being depressed over it except this one day every year I let it show. I hide it, try to move on, but it’s always there…always. What I need is something new, which is the real reason I came on tour…to get over my past and discover new things; live life. I can’t sit here and cry over the past, I need to move on. Death is the end-all and if that’s all I’m thinking about all the time, then my life will be very depressing. I can’t do that to myself.”

Our waitress comes by to drop off our food. I notice her before she gets close enough to hear our conversation so I cease talking until she leaves. I don’t touch my grilled cheese yet and neither does Brendon.

“I need to grow up. I need to get over my parents; they’re never coming back and no amount of crying will bring them back. Now, I know crying is okay and it’s part of healing, but I should be done healing; I need to be done healing.”

Brendon sits in his chair and listens to me talk; never says a word, just listens.

“There’s so much life out there and I need to be in it; I need to feel it. That’s why I’m on tour. This tour is taking me to all kinds of life; fresh, new faces and new friends…new places and experiences. This is what I need. This is what I want and this…is my new beginning.”

He begins smiling at me and his eyes light up just as I’m sure mine do.

“I just realized that, and I’m so glad I did,” I smile, feeling a ton better now that I’ve gotten all that out.

“You had an epiphany,” Brendon laughs out, grinning widely at me. “And I’ll tell you right now, this tour will help you move on. Seeing all the different places this country, even this world has to offer is just amazing and life-changing. And I know your parents are looking after you from wherever they are, wherever they went after they died, and are so proud of you for being strong and allowing yourself to be able to let go of what happened and live your life the best you know how.”

“That’s all I can do…live the best I know how,” I smile, glad I had this conversation with Brendon.

He smiles back as I grab my grilled cheese, taking a huge bite out of it. He follows my lead and we eat our sandwiches together in the dim light of the small restaurant. We make pleasant conversation until we finish our meals. We have to head back to the buses quickly before they leave us. Brendon pays for the meal despite my many failed attempts to let me pay for my own.

Halfway back to the bus I realize Brendon hadn’t mentioned his biggest secret to me. I quickly turn to him as a breeze passes by us, a few strands of my hair blowing in my face.

“Do you remember our deal?” I ask him, swatting the strands of hair out of my eyes. He turns his head towards me, slowing down his pace.

Nodding, he says, “Tell each other our biggest secret.”

“Well go on,” I say, waving my hand around at him, motioning for him to tell me.

His mouth forms into a sideways smile as he lets out an airy laugh through his nose. He glances at me before talking.

“Okay, um,” he pauses, scratching his chin for a moment.

“I guess you could say that my biggest secret is that I like you,” he says slowly, laughing lightly afterwards as he looks away.

“That’s your secret? That’s not like a life-secret…I mean, yeah it was a secret, but I was expecting something more like you have done sexual favors for a random fan-girl, or … I don’t know,” I laugh out. Brendon throws his head back and laughs loudly before looking at me.

“Are you serious? I told you I was a virgin, I wouldn’t lie about that!” he says, smiling widely; so wide his back teeth are almost showing.

“Well I didn’t mean exactly that, but -- “

“You don’t really seem surprised about my secret,” he cuts me off.

“I am surprised, but I think I’m more surprised that it wasn’t something more extreme,” I say. The buses are quickly coming into view.

Brendon just nods, shoving his hands into his pockets.

“There’s kind of a set-back, though, to my ‘secret’,” he says, lowering his voice.

“And what’s that?”

“I don’t really want a commitment right now,” he bites his lip. We’re now at the buses, standing in front of Paramore’s; the one I’m staying on. “I mean, I like you, I do but … I don’t know, I just want to be able to be independent for a little while longer before I commit to anything.”

I smile up at him, “I like you too.” I walk the few feet to the door, reaching for the handle before Brendon stops me.

“Wait,” he says eagerly. I look over to him, but he doesn’t say anything. I let go of the door handle and walk back over to him.

“Why would you still bother to tell me you like me if I told you I don’t want to commit?”

I smile, “Just in case you change your mind. You can still commit and be independent, you just have to commit to someone who wants the same things as you.”

“What do you mean?” he asks, his eyebrows knitted together and his eyes slightly squinted.

“Being in a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean not being able to be independent; at least that’s how it is with me, I don’t know about other girls. I know how you feel because I also want to be independent, but I also want to commit to someone. I don’t want to run out of time … I want to find the right person. I saw what happened with my parents and their relationship taught me a lot of things about committing. You can’t commit to the wrong person and you need independence. It’s a necessity for any real relationship to work.”

Brendon nods, acknowledging that he understands what I am saying thus far.

“The way I see it, being in a relationship brings to the table new experiences and a whole new world. It’s exciting and it really is something special when you’re able to feel independent but also have someone to love and be loved yourself. Having that experience is something I think you should consider.”

He looks away from me, and at that moment, I can’t read his expression.

“I’m not trying to tell you what to do, I’m just trying to explain how much more there is to experience when you’re with someone you care about deeply. The one thing I want out of life the most is to find the right guy for me and to spend the rest of my life with him.”

“The band is my top priority right now, though,” he says, sounding more like he’s trying to convince himself more than me.

“As it should be. You should also be on the lookout for your other half, though. You can’t wait too long, you’ll lose track of time and it might be too late by the time you feel you’re ready to find someone and settle down.“

He looks back to me, nodding; his expression still hard to read, but I can see that he is truly listening to what I have to say.

“I get where you’re coming from, but -- “

“Buses are leaving in five,” Ryan yells out of Panic’s bus, which is parked right behind Paramore’s. Brendon waves him off and continues.

“I’m just afraid that if I commit to a girl, then I will lose track of my commitment to the band.”

“It is possible to commit to both, Brendon, you just have to find a way.”

Brendon rubs his eyes with his fingers, sighing.

“We better get on the bus or they’ll leave us,” I say.

He drops his hand from his eyes before bringing me into a tight hug. He lets out a deep breath and that’s when I know that he knows that I have found a loop-hole in his reason for not getting committed. I don’t necessarily feel triumphant over that fact, though.