Only as Stable as I Choose to Show

'Spencer was and will always be my closest friend, we have had so many great times, I can remember a time when we were about 10, Spence and I filled a bottle half full with gasoline then taped it up and made Phoenix put it in the middle of the street, we set fire to it and it shot over and started burning next to this grey power box, we were so scared that it was going to explode, it was like a bomb, then the stripper that lived next door came out with her German shepherd and got a hose ,she tried to put the fire out but it only made the flames bigger, ever since there is still a large burn mark on the power box, it was possibly the most hilariously dangerous day of my life but that was Spence in one word… risky, little did he know that it would lead to.. this’

He laughed timidly but it quickly returned to the broken look he earlier portrayed.

I remember that day so well, including the fact that when asked about the whole situation Spence blamed it on ‘ local hooligans’. Laughter escaped my lips which was greeted with frowns from the spectators around me. I could also remember the look on Ryan’s face when he thought that it was going to blow up, I, of course, ran to the safety of my brothers side.

Regrettably that wasn’t possible anymore.

My father signalled to me that it was my turn to speak.

Tears trickled down my face. Brushing my auburn hair out of my face, I stood up.

I didn’t want to say goodbye, I didn’t know how to.

‘Spence wasn’t just a brother to me, he was a best friend, I know this will sound so.. Cliché. Everything Spence hated but it’s the only way I can describe it. I grew up having him look after me, if anything happened I knew I could go to him, he was always there.’

The tears were flowing now. Looking out into the depths of the church, making out all of the significant faces, people we hadn’t seen since high school, relatives, friends and band members, I could feel myself breaking down. My heart was cracking in a way I never knew was possible.

********************************************

I trundled up to my room, oblivious to the fact that Brendon was calling me from our living room.

Pushing open my door, I flopped down onto my unmade bed - damn you Brendon. He NEVER made the bed.

Living here without Spencer was going to kill me, he was the reason for us all getting the house together.

Admittedly it had been weird at first, being 19 and living with your brother and his friends, but I really felt like one of them, not only were the guys my friends but my family too. Brendon of course was the exception, he was a bit more than a friend, a pretty ’perfect’ boyfriend in fact. Spencer’s reason for us living together was obviously logical, nothing to do with the fact that he wanted to keep an eye on me and Bren - note the sarcasm in my voice.

He simply stated that ‘It would be in the bands interested’ and ‘ that he was a genius for thinking of this idea. With which Jon responded with how he thought we would all kill each other after a week. Surprisingly we had succeeded in avoiding such outcomes.

There were traces of him everywhere, the picture covered walls, the smoothie splatter stain on the kitchen ceiling and even Aero our Jack Russell puppy.

I traced a crack that ran down the wall, through blurs of tears I could feel my eye lids slowly closing.

I heard a faint faraway creak, but I was too exhausted to physically move my head.
The weight of the bed shifted to the right, signifying someone sitting down, I could tell immediately that it was Jon. He rested his hand on my back, stroking it slowly in a relaxing fashion.

‘Hey, are you coming down, Brendon and Ryan are wrestling over who gets the last pancake, we could make more, it could be fun? ‘

I groaned, food, I couldn’t remember the last time I had eaten and it was certainly starting to show, food sounded good.

‘Com’mon, I miss seeing your beautiful face, if it makes you feel any better I feel just as shit. But it’s doing you know good secluding yourself, ‘

All I wanted was to be alone. I knew he wasn’t going to leave me until I did what he said, I shifted my shoulder and rose up to my feet, trying to gain balance.

Jon smiled sweetly at me, concern written all over his bearded face. I felt so bad for the guys, not only did they have to get over their best friend- Panic’s drummer- my brother dying but they also had me, the emotional wreck.

I entered the lounge to find Brendon sitting happily in front of the TV like a small child, wide grin on his face, pancake in hand. He turned around and his smile only got wider.

‘Hey, stranger,’

He jumped up and kissed my cheek. I smiled and looked into his eyes. The eyes that had saved me countless times. Brendon’s eyes were irresistible , they alone could make me happy, but not today, it was to soon. I needed time to grieve, while he seemed to not care.

Ryan was sitting on the double black leather sofa, he patted the seat next to him.

‘Alright?’

It was very much a RyRo thing to be sitting alone thinking, but something about the way he was sitting was different, he was hunched up and edgy.

‘Hmmm,’

He mumbled feebly

‘Ry, cut it okay? I know your just as miserable as me, Spence was just as much a brother to you as he was to me. so don’t be like Bren and pretend like everything is fine, it’s not and we just have to face it.’

‘Yeah I know, I told him not to, but he thinks it’s ‘helping you‘, he doesn’t know how to act when your in the room nowadays.’

I curled my feet under my body and lay my head on Ryan’s shoulder. It had been a week since the funeral. 9 days, 5 hours and around 16 minutes since I had lost one of the most important people in my life, in truth I should be dealing with it but how could I? He was the one thing that kept me going throughout the tormenting childhood I injured. The one person I could truly count on.

‘Well, I don’t even know how to act around myself these days, I feel so awful, I would have preferred it to have been me in that lake rather than him after all he was doing it for me,’

‘Don’t say that! This has happened, we can’t change it, I can feel myself crumbling over the fact that neither of us could have prevented the outcome. Spencer is gone and not even the happiest of people can change that,’

He replied sadly whilst stroking my arm, signalling to my beloved Brendon.

I know it wasn’t Bren’s fault but he really was NOT helping.