I’ll Go Until My Heart Stops
There goes my hero.
Heroic Effort : Heroism of a kind that is likely only to be undertaken to save a life.
My father had displayed such heroism in his fight against the wall which I was slowly erecting between me and the cruel universe I inhabited. He had tried offering me a holiday - usually I would jump at the chance to leave the dragon's lair if only for a few days, but it also involved leaving the confines of my home which I was now not perpared to do under any circumstances.
"Morning Maddie!" my sister called from the doorway of my room, her head peeking around the door in unmasked hesitation. I gingerly gestured for her to come in, and she pranced across the messy floor, flopping down onto my bed with a soft thump.
Her delicate lips curled up into an encouraging smile attempting to get me to reciprocate. I feebly attemped to force a smile but it failed to reach my eyes; her grin faded in defeat.
"He's really worried about you, you know, Dad," she spoke so fast her words all ran together in one large sigh.
I remained silent. I had no response. I knew he was worried, I knew my recent behaviour plagued his mind and that he was having trouble relaxing. It hurt me so much to see him hurting like this that I almost broke through the wall - almost.
"Please Maddie, he needs to see that you're getting better, even just a little bit!" she pleaded, and I could see the desperation in her eyes.
This wasn't right, my eleven-year-old sister should not have to plead with me like this.
I crumbled then, remorse rushing through my veins; tears threatening to fall but the flodo gates held up.
"Okay Zoe, I'll talk to him today, I promise," I choked out, reaching over to give her a brief one-armed hug. Physical contact was something which I had not experienced in over three weeks and I had to admit, I missed it. She squeezed me back and sighed, "I'm gald you're back, at least a little bit!"
Her usual cheery persona had returned and she sprang from the bed and gracefully danced towards the door, turning to flash me a satisfied grin and waving her delicate hand in glee.
"Bye, off to school I goooo!" she sang as she exited the room, full of innocent excitment.
It was decided then I would give my Dad a tiny morsel of hope that I was improving, even if it was a shame faced lie....
~~~~~~~~~~~
Delicate fingers traced my hair line in a soothing manner, brushing my thick locks away fom my pale face. A familliar scent of peppermint and aftershave washed over me and the voice of own personal hero spoke in a deep, rough weary voice, "How you doin' sweetie?" as he softly stroked my cheek. I forced a brief smile and mustered up the optimism to convince my Father that I was indeed recovering.
"I'm feeling a lot better Dad, and I think I'm ready to go back to school!" I spoke airily, my grin never faltering.
The relief on his face was obvious the second I spoke those words. The crease between his eyebrows vanished and his eyes lightened, hope returning to his features.
"Really? Honey thats great!" Even his voice had lightened; the strain it had previously held vanishing.
He reached in to hug me, his large musclar arms enveloped me in their warmth; his familliar scent attacking my senses. In that moment I felt secure for the first time since falling ill. Hope began to rise up in me like a tiny ball of fire rising from the pit of my stomach through my entire body, warming every fibre of my being.
I sighed in contentment, my father's embrace had given me some perspective on my sitaution. I now knew that I could conquer this depression, break down the wall I had erected and begin to live again.
"Thanks Dad!" I chirped, the hope in my voice startling me somewhat.
"You know what, I think you deserve a treat, want to come get some ice-crem with me?" he offered, his proposition although tempting also frightened me somewhat.
I gulped and my grin faltered. Picking up on my unease, Dad offered an alternative; "How about I run out and get some, bring it back eh?" he finished, nudging me playfully.
"Sounds great Dad!" I grinned.
He reached in to give me one final warm hug and slowly retreated towards the door.
"Be back soon sweetie, I love you!" he called as he shut the door behind him.
"Love you too Dad!" I called after him and I heard his distant sigh of contentment in reply.
I had decided to take a quick shower while Dad was out. The warm water was comforting on my weathered skin, my matted hair was oh so very glad to see the bottle of lavender shampoo. I felt even more optimistic as I shut the water off, sighing in utter contentment as I walked across the hall to my room.
As I finished dressing, I heard the sound of the phone ringing somewhere deep in the house. Seconds later I heard my mother's anguished cry, my head snapped up instantly. I followed my instincts and rushed down the stairs towards the muffled sounds of my mother's sobs.
Upon entering the kitchen, a shiver ran down my spine as I found my mother and sister with tears rolling freely down their distraught faces. Holding each other for the support they so desperately needed.
"Mom? Zoe? Whats going on?" I cried, fearing the answer so much so that I could only muster the strength to whisper my question my voice catching in my throat.
"It's your Dad...."
My father had displayed such heroism in his fight against the wall which I was slowly erecting between me and the cruel universe I inhabited. He had tried offering me a holiday - usually I would jump at the chance to leave the dragon's lair if only for a few days, but it also involved leaving the confines of my home which I was now not perpared to do under any circumstances.
"Morning Maddie!" my sister called from the doorway of my room, her head peeking around the door in unmasked hesitation. I gingerly gestured for her to come in, and she pranced across the messy floor, flopping down onto my bed with a soft thump.
Her delicate lips curled up into an encouraging smile attempting to get me to reciprocate. I feebly attemped to force a smile but it failed to reach my eyes; her grin faded in defeat.
"He's really worried about you, you know, Dad," she spoke so fast her words all ran together in one large sigh.
I remained silent. I had no response. I knew he was worried, I knew my recent behaviour plagued his mind and that he was having trouble relaxing. It hurt me so much to see him hurting like this that I almost broke through the wall - almost.
"Please Maddie, he needs to see that you're getting better, even just a little bit!" she pleaded, and I could see the desperation in her eyes.
This wasn't right, my eleven-year-old sister should not have to plead with me like this.
I crumbled then, remorse rushing through my veins; tears threatening to fall but the flodo gates held up.
"Okay Zoe, I'll talk to him today, I promise," I choked out, reaching over to give her a brief one-armed hug. Physical contact was something which I had not experienced in over three weeks and I had to admit, I missed it. She squeezed me back and sighed, "I'm gald you're back, at least a little bit!"
Her usual cheery persona had returned and she sprang from the bed and gracefully danced towards the door, turning to flash me a satisfied grin and waving her delicate hand in glee.
"Bye, off to school I goooo!" she sang as she exited the room, full of innocent excitment.
It was decided then I would give my Dad a tiny morsel of hope that I was improving, even if it was a shame faced lie....
~~~~~~~~~~~
Delicate fingers traced my hair line in a soothing manner, brushing my thick locks away fom my pale face. A familliar scent of peppermint and aftershave washed over me and the voice of own personal hero spoke in a deep, rough weary voice, "How you doin' sweetie?" as he softly stroked my cheek. I forced a brief smile and mustered up the optimism to convince my Father that I was indeed recovering.
"I'm feeling a lot better Dad, and I think I'm ready to go back to school!" I spoke airily, my grin never faltering.
The relief on his face was obvious the second I spoke those words. The crease between his eyebrows vanished and his eyes lightened, hope returning to his features.
"Really? Honey thats great!" Even his voice had lightened; the strain it had previously held vanishing.
He reached in to hug me, his large musclar arms enveloped me in their warmth; his familliar scent attacking my senses. In that moment I felt secure for the first time since falling ill. Hope began to rise up in me like a tiny ball of fire rising from the pit of my stomach through my entire body, warming every fibre of my being.
I sighed in contentment, my father's embrace had given me some perspective on my sitaution. I now knew that I could conquer this depression, break down the wall I had erected and begin to live again.
"Thanks Dad!" I chirped, the hope in my voice startling me somewhat.
"You know what, I think you deserve a treat, want to come get some ice-crem with me?" he offered, his proposition although tempting also frightened me somewhat.
I gulped and my grin faltered. Picking up on my unease, Dad offered an alternative; "How about I run out and get some, bring it back eh?" he finished, nudging me playfully.
"Sounds great Dad!" I grinned.
He reached in to give me one final warm hug and slowly retreated towards the door.
"Be back soon sweetie, I love you!" he called as he shut the door behind him.
"Love you too Dad!" I called after him and I heard his distant sigh of contentment in reply.
I had decided to take a quick shower while Dad was out. The warm water was comforting on my weathered skin, my matted hair was oh so very glad to see the bottle of lavender shampoo. I felt even more optimistic as I shut the water off, sighing in utter contentment as I walked across the hall to my room.
As I finished dressing, I heard the sound of the phone ringing somewhere deep in the house. Seconds later I heard my mother's anguished cry, my head snapped up instantly. I followed my instincts and rushed down the stairs towards the muffled sounds of my mother's sobs.
Upon entering the kitchen, a shiver ran down my spine as I found my mother and sister with tears rolling freely down their distraught faces. Holding each other for the support they so desperately needed.
"Mom? Zoe? Whats going on?" I cried, fearing the answer so much so that I could only muster the strength to whisper my question my voice catching in my throat.
"It's your Dad...."
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