I’ll Go Until My Heart Stops
Conflict Resolution!
They say there are five stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I had endured the first three in this formidable sequence and had now reached the fourth stage; depression. I was no stranger to this stage, and honestly it felt somewhat comfortable, like a glove I could easily slip on, familliar.
I sat motionless staring blankly through the window of our living room, as the world passed by; oblivious, an unmerciful battle of wills was taking place inside my fuzzy and slightly numb head. My Mother and I had been united throughout the excrutiatingly painful events that followed that fateful phone call. We had held each other, comforted each other and worked together throughout.
This unexpected development in our relationship had caused me to stop and reflect on our current status, and truthfullly I longed to run to her at this precise moment and call an official truce. As the last of our family members had departed that morning after the events of the funeral had played out, shrouded in a monochrome cloud of grief and sadness.
My sense of rationality was now faltering and my limbs began to twitch, wanting nothing more than to embrace my griefstricken Mother. My resolve faltered as I caught sight of Hayley and her Mother strolling idly past the window hand in hand. My relationship with Hayley had remained consistantly strong and true to her declaration she had remained unwaveringly by my side throughout every family related event over the past two days, she deserved some time to herself.
Without Hayley, my ray of sunshine, I had become an empty shell, broken and grief stricken. I heard the distant sound of my Mother as she crashed around in the kitchen. A loud thump sounded and I sprang from my seat and ran toward the kitchen, tentatively I pushed the heavy oak door open. The sight that greeted me was heart wrenching. My Mother lay in a rumpled heap on the tiled floor of the messy kitchen, sobbing uncontrollably.
I ran to her, slipping down onto my knees next to her slumped form; "Mom? Mom please talk to me," I cried, my voice dry and husky from lack of use. I softly placed my hand on her back and moved it in comforting circles across the rigid plane of her shoulders. Her sobbing ceased and she retrieved a ragged tissue from the pocket of her floral apron. Gingerly, I took it from her and began to dab away the tears that stained her pale complexion.
"Mom, please. It'll help, please just talk to me!" I begged, holding her face in my hands forcing her to look me in the eye. She didn't speak however she stretched her arms out and pulled me into her warm embrace holding me securely against her, sobbing into my hair.
I feebly attempted to pull away from her but this was exactly what I desired at this moment and it was a healing process for both of us. We remained in our embrace for what felt like hours, sobbing and holding each other.
"I love you, you know that," she said as she pulled my head up from her shoulder, looking me sternly in the eyes; her gaze fierce yet promising.
"I always have, I know I havn't always shown it but I always have!" she solemnly declared as she wiped the fallen tears from my sodden cheeks. My dormant heart skipped a beat, I had always known this deep down, I was sure of it but to hear her voice, the one statement I had longed to hear from her these past few years was unmeasureable; relief washed over me, my shoulders dropping as I fell into her chest and sighed, "I know Mom, I know."
As the tears began to slide qucikly down my face in relief , grief still remained but relief overshadowed the rest and caused a warmth to rise within me, spreading through my body in a calming sensation.
I had not felt this way since my forced resolution with my Father, but this time it was real and I could feel the blood start to pump faster in my veins as the light at the end of the tunnel burned brighter, and I journeyed closer and closer to it....
I sat motionless staring blankly through the window of our living room, as the world passed by; oblivious, an unmerciful battle of wills was taking place inside my fuzzy and slightly numb head. My Mother and I had been united throughout the excrutiatingly painful events that followed that fateful phone call. We had held each other, comforted each other and worked together throughout.
This unexpected development in our relationship had caused me to stop and reflect on our current status, and truthfullly I longed to run to her at this precise moment and call an official truce. As the last of our family members had departed that morning after the events of the funeral had played out, shrouded in a monochrome cloud of grief and sadness.
My sense of rationality was now faltering and my limbs began to twitch, wanting nothing more than to embrace my griefstricken Mother. My resolve faltered as I caught sight of Hayley and her Mother strolling idly past the window hand in hand. My relationship with Hayley had remained consistantly strong and true to her declaration she had remained unwaveringly by my side throughout every family related event over the past two days, she deserved some time to herself.
Without Hayley, my ray of sunshine, I had become an empty shell, broken and grief stricken. I heard the distant sound of my Mother as she crashed around in the kitchen. A loud thump sounded and I sprang from my seat and ran toward the kitchen, tentatively I pushed the heavy oak door open. The sight that greeted me was heart wrenching. My Mother lay in a rumpled heap on the tiled floor of the messy kitchen, sobbing uncontrollably.
I ran to her, slipping down onto my knees next to her slumped form; "Mom? Mom please talk to me," I cried, my voice dry and husky from lack of use. I softly placed my hand on her back and moved it in comforting circles across the rigid plane of her shoulders. Her sobbing ceased and she retrieved a ragged tissue from the pocket of her floral apron. Gingerly, I took it from her and began to dab away the tears that stained her pale complexion.
"Mom, please. It'll help, please just talk to me!" I begged, holding her face in my hands forcing her to look me in the eye. She didn't speak however she stretched her arms out and pulled me into her warm embrace holding me securely against her, sobbing into my hair.
I feebly attempted to pull away from her but this was exactly what I desired at this moment and it was a healing process for both of us. We remained in our embrace for what felt like hours, sobbing and holding each other.
"I love you, you know that," she said as she pulled my head up from her shoulder, looking me sternly in the eyes; her gaze fierce yet promising.
"I always have, I know I havn't always shown it but I always have!" she solemnly declared as she wiped the fallen tears from my sodden cheeks. My dormant heart skipped a beat, I had always known this deep down, I was sure of it but to hear her voice, the one statement I had longed to hear from her these past few years was unmeasureable; relief washed over me, my shoulders dropping as I fell into her chest and sighed, "I know Mom, I know."
As the tears began to slide qucikly down my face in relief , grief still remained but relief overshadowed the rest and caused a warmth to rise within me, spreading through my body in a calming sensation.
I had not felt this way since my forced resolution with my Father, but this time it was real and I could feel the blood start to pump faster in my veins as the light at the end of the tunnel burned brighter, and I journeyed closer and closer to it....