I’ll Go Until My Heart Stops

Numb - that was me in every sense of the word. The days following Hayley's visit were spent feigning contentment in the presence of my parents, which was sandwiched between bouts of unbridled depression when I was alone.
As I stepped gingerly out of my fathers SUV, the gravel of our driveway crunched beneath our feet as he supported me towards the front door.

"Easy now, thats it," he coaxed as we approached the threshold. He pushed the door open and the familliar scent of home - coffee and vanilla - hit me; but even this familliarity couldn't break through my dense wall of depression.

I sighed, I was numb, both emotionally and phsically, due to increased doses of pain medication.
My Dad's attempts to break down the barrier which I had built between myself and the world, although heroic, had failed miserably; but he never gave up easily so I had braced myself for more pampering in the days to come, of which I had fourteen until I was due to return to school.

"Come on sweetie, lets get you to bed!" Dad called airily, pretending to ignore my pained expression for he knew it was not physical pain; the pain I felt was an aching deep in my being, no pain medication could combat this aching.

I followed my Father obediently up the carpeted stairs. Wait carpeted? Oh, so that's what my Mother had been doing while I was laying in hospital. Well, I'm glad she had something to keep her occupied!
My room was exactly as I had left it, 'comfortably messy' as I had put it when ordered to clean it. Only, my old baby blue sheets had been replaced with crisp white ones. Dad dropped my only bag to the floor with a thump.

"Let's get you settled then," he stated cheerfully. Pulling back the covers on my bed, he turned quickly and offered me my newly laundered tweety bird pyjamas.

"You go change, you'll be a lot more comfy!"
He grinned directing me toward the communal bathroom. I shuffled across the hall and slammed in door in what was meant to be defiance but really was defeat....

~~~~~~~~~~~

I awoke to the familliar sound of my house in the morning, the smell of coffee and fresh bread wafting up the stairs. But these scents no longer gave me the same desire to rise and investigate; instead I rolled over, seized my eyes shut and blocked all coherent thoughts from my mind.

Several hours later my denial had obviously worked for I had fallen back into a dreamless slumber. However, reality hit me fast when I gasped in shock at who was sitting at foot of my bed.

"Hayley!" I choked out in surprise, my voice cracking due of lack of use. "What the heck are you doing here?" I practically demanded her. My people skills were pretty non-exsistant at this point.

"Well you don't answer my calls, texts, e-mails, I'm worried about you!" She answered defensively, her voice laced in emotion as she finished. She reached out to hug me but I remained motionless and her hug fell limply at her side. Hayley's grin turned down into a grimace and her delicate features were laced in concern.

"No need to worry about me, I'm fine!" I answered curtly, crossing my arms over my chest in defense.

We sat in an awkward silence, neither of us speaking for almost five minutes. The tension began to build so I mustered all of my remaining energy and broke the silence.

"So are you and Josh still together?" I enquired; I had decided that since I was hurting enough, a few more details wouldn't hurt. Oh how I was mistaken.

"Yeah!" Hayley's face spread into a wide grin exposing her gapped teeth and she launched into a ramble about herself and Josh, and their romantic moments spent together. The ache in my stomach began to turn to little splinters stabbing at my insides. She finished, and I sighed with relief; until....

"He is taking me on our first official date tonight! We're going to his parents Italian restaurant downtown. It's a really cute place, I can't wait!" she practically squealed in delight, almost falling from the bed in excitment. That alone was enough to open the flood gates I had worked so hard to close and lock securely.

"Maddie?" Hayley called, and I forced myself to look up at her; pain adorning my features. She, however, interpreted this as lack of interest on my part.

"You know what, I don't know why I bother, I really don't!" she growled and jumped up from the bed in anger, her features filled with rage.

"You don't care about me or Josh, all you care about is yourself. You have had no interest in me what oever since you fell ill, and I've tried to make excuses but I'm done trying Maddie. Call me when you're back to the old Maddie, the one that actually cared!" she shouted, slamming the door of my room in anger, leaving only a fresh gust of wind in her wake.

Pain overtook me and my body slumped down into the starched cotton of my bed. Beyond tears, I simply convulsed, at a loss of breath beneath the sheets.