Why Me? Tell Me

Dear Camille,

If you are reading this, then it means I am no longer with you. I’m sorry, sweetie. You must know that I love you very much and that I will be looking over you in heaven. Don’t you mourn for me, Camille. You are going to grow up to be a strong, independent woman, and I know you’ll make me proud.

Well now that you are reading this, there must be some loose ends I have to tie up. First, the issue of who you will be living with. Well, as you know, I was an only child and my parents are dead also. So I am leaving you under the care of Mr. and Mrs. Jonas. I’ve known them for a long time, and I know you are fond of their Nick. They will take care of you. You can sell the house if you need to. I have left you all the accounts in the bank. Everything and anything that was mine, it is yours. Please save some for college, Camille. Spend it wisely.

Now, another issue is your father. Well, Camille, he isn’t dead. I know you always thought he was…but I just told you that so you wouldn’t have to worry about him. There is also a possibility that he could return back into our, your life. But heed this, honey, he isn’t the father you also hoped for. He is bad. Don’t trust him. I’m begging you. Please don’t.

When I met your father, he seemed to be a wonderful man. That is why I married him, and we had you. You were the most gorgeous little baby, and I loved you with all my heart. I truly did. But your father didn’t like that. He thought that you were taking time away from him. Although I told him that you were our baby and that we needed to take care of you, he didn’t understand.

He began to go mad. He began to hit me and abuse me, and I knew I had to get out. He used to come home drunk and scream “WOMAN! Where are you?” I used to hide you in the closet, praying that you wouldn’t make a sound. He would have killed you if he saw you in the state he was in. I was terrified of him. He wasn’t the husband that I fell in love with to create you, my beautiful baby girl.

I divorced him as quickly as I could and I ran away from our home. You can’t imagine the rage he possessed when I said I wanted a divorce. I knew I had to get out. You understand this, right honey? We used to live in Kansas, hon. But I moved to New Jersey when you were just two years old, so of course you don’t remember. Grandma and Grandpa lived here, and they took care of me and you.

Your father has a tendency to be very, very violent. Be warned of him. I tried to shield you from him, but if he does ever find you, run away from him. Please, be safe. I love you too much for something bad to happen to you. I hope that you have a greater understanding of your father and why I did what I did.

I love you, Camille. Don’t you ever forget that. Keep this letter safe. Read it when you need strength. You will succeed in everything you do, sweetie. I have all the faith in the world in you. Never give up your dreams for anything or anyone. And most importantly, find love. I want to see you truly happy. I’m looking down on you, Camille. Never forget that I am with you.

Love,
Mom

I choked back the tears as I read my mother’s dying letter. This isn’t fair, I thought. Why did this have to happen to me? I shook my head, as anger began to build up inside me.

“It is going to be okay, Camille,” Joe said, patting my back. “It is all going to be okay.”

But I lost it.

“How can you say that, Joe?!?” I screamed, throwing the letter down onto the bed. “How an you ever say that things are going to be okay? My mom is dead. She is never coming back! How do you think that makes me feel? I’m a fucking orphan. I have no family. The only “family” I have is that asshole of a father who killed my mom, Joe. KILLED HER!”

Joe sat there in shock from my raging outburst. “Camille, I know things are bad. Terrible, actually. But you have people who care for you. You aren’t alone. And if your father ever comes-”

I cut him off. “If my father ever, ever comes near me again, I’m going to kill him.” I stood up, quickly. Blood rushing to my head. My vision began to become fuzzy, black and white.

“Camille, sit down. You can’t be walking!” Joe hissed, as he tried to pull me down back to the bed. I whipped my wrist out of his grasp.

“No, Joe. I don’t give a fuck,” I cursed in anger. “I am going to find him. That “father” of mine. And he is going to pay. He can’t do that to my mom. She was the only one who was always there for me. ALWAYS, JOE! Do you understand that?” I started to limp towards the door, each step taking more effort than the next.

“Camille, you’re not strong enough to even make it down the stairs. Please, let me help you.”

“NO!” I screamed, tears sliding down my face. “You don’t understand. You can never understand. Do you know how it feels to have everything you love taken away from you?” My head began to pound as if a mallet were hitting it over and over. My vision blurred from my tears. I could feel my heart, pounding. Thump, thump

Joe pleaded, “Please, Camille. Sit. You’re getting paler by the minute. We’re going to have to bring you back to the hospital if you keep this up. Please.” He seemed to be begging for me to stop. But I couldn’t. It was just pouring out of me, like a broken dam unable to keep the water from flowing.

“I CAN’T, JOE!” I screamed. I didn’t understand why I was screaming, but I was. “I can’t. I just can’t anymore. Everything is going to change. No, it isn’t fair. Why me? Why my mom?” I started to hyperventilate. The oxygen was harder and harder to breathe in. “I can’t believe this happened to me. It is all his fault. It is all his freaking fault.” I fell to ground.

“Camille!” Joe yelled, as he rushed to be at my side. “I know, Camille. It shouldn’t have happened to you. Now, please…let me take you home.”

“I am home, Joe,” I whispered. “This was my home. He took it away from me. If I ever see him away, my father, I’m going to kill him. That’s a promise. I’m going to kill him.” Then suddenly, my world turned black again.