A Ladder to The Sun

She folded up the piece of paper and tucked it into the pocket of her warn down jacket. Putting on her clothes slowly, she couldn’t help but feel meditative. Thoughts were rushing through her head, but none of them were clear enough to construct sensible emotions. Her blood pumped fast in her veins. Adrenaline started to kick in. Glancing back up at the self, she stared on. Finally grabbing a small round tin next to her helmet and tucked it in her inner pocket of her jacket, making sure it was safe. It made a slight noise as things shifted inside. Looking at her apartment as she walked out of the door, she had a burst of nostalgia hit her. Memories flashed right past her. The feeling of longing for what was pulled her in, dragging herself out was the difficult part.

Finally getting on her bike she took off in the rain. It was night time and she had a long was to bike. Never did she really know that she would be doing this. The roads spluttered water on her back, mud on her face. Gave her a better reason to bike harder, faster. Her hands gripped the wet handle bars as her knuckles turned white. The cold was bitterly hitting her face as winds whipped at her side. She took a big gulp of air as she stopped in front of a house.

It was green and old. Nothing really else to describe it. It had a screen covering the front porch as it was illuminated by florescent lights. Dropping her bike down on the grass, she unbuckled her helmet and dropped it. Her hair was dripping wet and she could feel her hands at her sides shaking. Holding her breath as she knocked on the door hesitantly, having no idea what was going to happen next, she stood there. Putting her hand in her pocket, she held that small circular tin tight in her sweaty palms. How comforting it was to have that tin in her hand, something about having that little tin in her hand made her feel better, but not as much as she hoped it would at that very moment.. Lights flickered on as she started to shake. She wasn't sure what she was doing. Feeling idiotic she wanted to run away at that moment. What was she doing? Is she crazy? The door opened and it was too late to run. A man stepped out in his pajamas. She looked away in panic

He had a shaved head. You could see the stubble on his face from not shaving. His eyes were gentle, a soft brown in color, almond shaped, you looked into them and you could see that everything was okay, you felt it. They pierced right through your emotional wall, in tat instant when you locked eyes with him you felt a surge of relief overwhelm you, you didn’t need to pretend anymore. They were the eyes of understanding. His features were very defined, his face angular, his chin chiseled. Standing there she didn’t look at him. It hurt her too much. It was like looking at her father again. Nobody could begin to imagine ho that felt to her. Seeing her father in another person, needing that figure in her life. The tension of his eyes beating down on her grew. She looked at him, almost with a sad heart and almost with tears in her eyes, almost.

"Kaiya, what are you doing here? It is so late," he said in anxiety.

She didn't respond.

"Why are you here? How did you get here? You are soaking wet." he interjected.

No response from her.

"Kaiya, are you okay?"

Still nothing came out of her mouth.

"Here come inside, you are soaking wet and you are going to catch a cold."

She didn't move. He grabbed her arm, but she didn't move.

"What is wrong? Kaiya, what happened?"

He started to panic.

She said nothing.

His face shifted as he realized why she was here, or his assumption of why she was standing there.

"Kaiya, come inside, we can talk in here. It is so late, but I can talk."

She didn't want to go inside; a long time ago she would have, but not now.

He stared at her in worry and care, his feelings for her he couldn't ignore

"Please, tell me what is wrong, come inside."

She reached into her pocket and pulled out the folded piece of paper. She handed it to him.

"What is this?"

He started to unfold the piece of paper that she had just handed to him, but she reached out and stopped him and looked him in the eyes. He froze in shock.

"What is wrong? Goddamit Kaiya, tell me what is happening!"

He said in anger, he was full of concern and frustration.

She stared at him with moist eyes. They glistened as he stared back. She looked at him in pain. He saw it and it hurt him. He saw it all.

"I love you." she finally said.

He stood there speechless, wanting to say it back. It took him a while to process it.

"I am so sorry Kaiya..."

She moved her eyes away from his, not expecting that reaction from him. It surprised her after such a long time of suppression of their emotions.

"Thank you... Thank you for being there for me. It has meant the world to me. You helped me.” she said.

“Kaiya..” he drifted off.

“I know that I have made your life a bit more complicated than you wanted it to be. I am sorry. You are a great friend. For a while you were a father to me too. You were more of a father to me than my real father. I thank you so much. I love you for that...” she told him.

She turned away and walked down the stairs of his porch, he ran after her and grabbed her arm.

"Kaiya, where are you going?"

"Read the letter after I am gone," She broke off his grip and picked up her bike and started to bike away.

"KAIYA!" he ran after her. "KAIYA, PLEASE!!!" He had to tell her. Determined and ignoring all physical pain, he ran faster.

She biked on into the night as he watched her silhouette disappear. Biking and holding her tears back as they started to build up, overflowing. She could barely see. She could hear his shouts behind her, begging her to stop. Taking a sharp turn she fell off her bike onto the road, she felt warm liquid on her face, blood. Everything went numb. Getting up she ran, right across the street to the bridge. That very bridge she remembered from long ago.

Kaiya

Climbing the fence that separated her from the other side of the bridge, she stood tere at the edge and breathed deep.

I wanted to help you.

The wind blew her away from the edge but she resisted and kept leaning forward. The streets were silent.

To save you, please, understand that.

Reaching into her pocket, she took out and kissed the small circular tin, holding it tightly in her fragile hand.

I wanted to be your father so badly and shelter you, to protect you from everything around you that was hurting you.

She took a deep breathe.

But I couldn’t.

Looking up at the stars as the light they gave off started to dull and then everything became silent.

Forgive me.

He ran as fast as he could, he had to find her. Not knowing where she was, he ran on instinct. This feeling inside his soul knew, he followed it without hesitation. He just knew.

Heavy foot steps thudded on the bridge as she glanced behind her. It was him. Letting go of everything, she jumped. She could taste her very own fear in her mouth. It stayed there, having its presence known to her. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew tat she didn’t have to do this, yet she was falling now. Her subconscious told her there was hope; she ignored that, now she was far gone from that hope. Gripping the tin in her hand tightly, the wind whipped at her face. He ran into the fence reaching for her, extending his arm with desperation.

"NO!" he clenched the cold fence. "KAIYA!" he felt his throat close up. "I LOVE YOU!" he yelped through the cold air. "I AM SORRY!" he yelled after her as he shook the fence and saw her face.

She had a smile on her face as the last words she heard before she went were not sad, but were happy. She had waited such a long time to hear those words again. Falling down gracefully she was content pushing her fear away.

"I know," she said to him. "I love you." she hit the ground.

He heard the words she just said to him and he cried out, he shook the fence hard, wanting to rip it off with rage. It stopped him from saving her. She was gone. Tears kept coming to him in bursts. Gone. Hurrying to the side of the bridge as he ran down the forest edge that let to the ground under the bridge. It was slippery and muddy, but he took no notice. He didn’t think, he just reacted. She lay there limp, face up. He reached her and took her head in his hand and her body in his arms and embraced her.

"Kaiya, please, no, Kaiya." he shook her.

She didn't move and he stared on. Wiping her face of dirt and blood, cradling her oval face in his right hand ever so softly. He heard a clink. He looked and a small tin rolled out of his reach. He was stunned.

That tin…

"It will be okay, wake up now."

His lip quivered. He sobbed and reached for his pocket for the letter she gave to him. The dim street light above helped him read the letter. He read it slowly
**************************

I shifted in my seat. “That was my dream...Never have I felt so helpless in my life. I woke up with tears in my eyes. What does this dream mean, Craig?” I asked.

“Well, it's more of an anxiety dream. Our dreams project what our deepest fears are. Dreams tend to tap into our unconscious mind, things we want to suppress, things we fear the most. Tell me, how long has it been since you have talked or seen Kaiya?” he asked.

“I am not sure, I have never thought about it before,” I said to myself.

"Tell me something, in your dream, if Kaiya didn't jump off that bridge, what did you want to tell her? What did you want to say to her?" he asked me.

"I just..." I didn't finish my sentence, I didn't know how to.

“I think it's time to deal with this suppressed memory of Kaiya. Tieto, are you ready to unlock Pandora's box?” He challenged me.

I hesitated. “Maybe some other time...next time?” I insisted.

“Yes, of course, whenever you feel comfortable,” he told me as I relaxed a bit. “So next week, Monday at 6pm?” he confirmed.

“Yes, same time like always.” I said.

He looked at me with some worry. I didn't really take it in though. I was thinking too hard. Never would I have thought that I would be thinking about Kaiya again. The whole situation. It hurt my head to rerun it over and over again. Made me sort of want to cower in a corner. I don't know why I fear this so much. Why I am afraid of talking about one of the greatest friendships I have ever had? Maybe because the greatest friendship I ever had was with a student. A student who looked up to me, she mentored me. She was like a daughter to me, I was a father to her. I let her down in more ways than anybody would ever expect...