A Ladder to The Sun

I sat there with my head down. The bench beneath me creaked as I leaned forward to put my face into my hands. My hands felt cold. I clenched my jaw tight. My teeth pressed hard against each other. The wind blew from behind me as I shivered. I hunched overr as I looked down between my fingers to my brown shoes and stared on. I watched a slug crawl by, leaving a glittery trail. I breathed in bitter refreshing air. Rubbing my temples I squinted my eyes tight.

Kaiya.

How can one name invoke such intense emotions? When I even think of her name it leaves my throat feeling dry. I hear her name and I flinch and look around in a panic, and at the same time, somewhere deep down I want to see her. Only then realizing that she is not even there. She's not even there.

There are a lot of things in my life that I am not really happy with. All people have regrets. Somehow I felt like I should have regretted telling Craig about my dream. Part of me wanted to keep it to myself. I wouldn't die if I did. But, why did I tell him? I could have chosen not to. I could save myself a lot of headaches and tears. Another part of me doesn't regret telling him about my dream. That part of me that wants to talk about it. That part of me might be tired of hiding nostalgic feelings. I can feel the struggle. There is a war inside of me, and I don't even know which side I am rooting for to be quite honest.

Taking a big gulp of air I stood up. My head started to spin, but I walked on. Hands in my coat pockets, I lifted my head up to the world, pushing my thoughts aside. I took a look around the park,. A little girl was playing with her dog. She laughed loudly and ran in circles as her dog chased her. What a adorable little girl. She smiled big as her dog licked her soft rosy cheeks. I smiled. I turned my attention to an old woman sitting on the roots of an old oak tree. She seemed content as she held a book in her hands, reading attentively. She looked snug in her over-sized coat. I walked onwards.

The sky was beautifully clear. I could hear the leaves rustling underneath me. I tried to stay in the present. Being the musician I was, I started to hear a song. Each crunch made a slightly different sound. Each step I took signified the time signature that my song was in. I grinned. I had my own private concert only I could hear. The daily sounds of life also added to my little song. Wonderful. I began walking faster as I imagined my little ensemble picking up the pass and then... Crescendo! I laughed to myself.

As I mellowed my pace and heard a different song. This song seemed familiar. As if I had heard it in a dream. No, not a dream. A memory. My breathing started to slow as I held my breath on occasion. I felt my heart ache and my chest clench. I refused to remember, not now,not yet. I wanted nothing more than to run. Maybe, just maybe I can forget if I run. Changing the pace would make a different song, any song besides the one I was hearing at the moment. Then it hit me hard.

A red scarf dropping on the ground.

No, not now.

Making silly faces as we walked.

Stop.

Catching falling leaves.

Stop this

She smiled as she hummed.

Please...

Leaves crunching beneath our feet.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

I gasped, taking my hands out of my pockets as I ran. I tried to skip over spots of leaves on the ground. I looked ahead of me at the other side of the park as I saw cars halting at a light. Anywhere but here was okay. I would go anywhere, you can name it, just not here. More than that, I wanted to go away. Leave this town. Gone. I could feel my body heat up and my legs starting to give out. I looked around to see where I was. Home. A rush of relief as I searched my pockets for my keys. I opened my door and hurried inside.

I closed the door behind me as I put my back to the door and leaned on it for support. I cried. Simple as that. I felt tears well up. My back slide down the door as I sat on the ground, head between my legs. I heard nothing but my own tears falling to the ground. I pinched the bridge of my nose. Dropping my keys as they made a clinking noise. I felt my hands ball up into fists. I knew she felt my pain from somewhere far away just like I felt her pain every waking moment of my life, no matter how much I wanted to ignore it, it was still there, it always has been.

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