Realization

I have always loved reading. I always loved words. My mother would tell me "Vicky, you talk too much." I was that kind of kid. Always reading, always studying. I never really had much of a childhood. I grew up too fast. My horrid past has everything to do with that. But all you need to know about that is one thing and one thing only; It hurt me to no end.

When you feel so much emotion you have the urge to express it. First you have the stage of just plain crying, grieving. Maybe someone you loved died. Maybe something unspeakable happened to you. You choose. But we are only human. First stage is pure silence. I didn't know what to do with it. I cried most of it out. Finally my eyes were not going to produce anymore tears, but I still felt pain.

Second stage? I longed for an outlet, anything to get this out. Given that I did karate, that helped me. But the physical aspect of it was not as satisfying. I couldn't speak, I could only yell or kick at something that didn't exist right in front of me. I could only imagine, I couldn't actually yell at the person I hated the most, but still loved. It pained me.

One day I went to Englsih class. It was a great class, had a great teacher, she was more than willing to help kids. She gave us an assignment one day; Charater Development. We must write a list of descriptive words of our main character, then write a story that shows your character's persona. What fun I had. Never in my life did I ever enjoy writing that much. I came back to class with a page of writing.

Next day she graded it and handed it to me. I could see from the corner of my eye that there was a shiny sticker on it. Oh yes, I remember that moment all too well. I read her feedback and after that I loved writing.

It's funny how one little shove, one little comment on a small piece of writing can give you the writing bug.

I took a try at writing more. Bad part about this stage in my development is this: I was not in a good state of mind. Depression hit me fast. Most people do go through depression and I must say, it is hard. It is a lot more difficult than people say and no mere pill can take it away. The doctors always annoyed me to no end with pills and such. Never did I take one willingly. If I did, I was only forced to take it.

So depression led me to some really sad stories that I wrote. About death, loss, suicide etc. Basically I was not in a good place. I looked back a those pieces of work and then I realized something very crucial. I was really not doing well. Simple as that. I stopped writing for my own sake at that time. It was not healthy. As soon as I saw those pieces of writing, I would always get a negative vibe then I would feel like crap from reading them. I wouldn't say that they were bad stories themselves, it was just the feel of them. I said good-bye to writing for a bit.

I have been through a lot and I still have curve balls thrown at me all the time. Sometimes I hate life and sometimes I absolutely adore it. But now I have started to write again and this time there is hope in my writing. I write about the tradgies in life, but I won't stop there. I am going to write what happens AFTER all that. There is more to life than frowning and saying it sucks. Do something about it if it does. I did.

What I am trying to say is, yes there is hope. Not all of life is bad. There just happen to be bumps in the road along the way. Some bumps are bigger than others. Just hold on. Just keep moving forward. Stay in the present, but don't forget the past.

Now I can really write now. I guess we write because we want to share. That is it. Writers are generous people for sharing their world to us. I want to share my world with everybody, I want to share my ideas with everybody. I always have a story to tell. Everybody has one story inside of them that they passionately want to write. Sure there are other little ones that you write, but there is always the one that really shows who you are. It so happens that I am just starting my story again. This time the real question is: Will I have the courage and will to finish it?