Status: ACTIVE (Updates come every Saturday)
Can I Hold Your Heart?
(No)thing
“Fuck you.” My words were sharp and strong in the exact way I wanted them to be as Alena bastardized the boundaries between close cousin and bestfriend to everything personal. The way she crept up on me an hour ago to tell me that I will be having a surgery to remove my vocal chords was impenetrable. I hated the way she sounded hopeful, not even for her, but for me. That it will be the solution to my sickness if I just went through with it once and for all. That it was enough if I was alive but emotionless without my voice. Alena didn’t care if I lead a meaningless life without being able to speak just as long as I survived.
And I hated her for that.
“Watch your words there, Louise.” She said, stopping on her tracks as she disconnected a call. Today, she was even more beautiful than the last time I met her months ago. The colors on her irises were even more vibrant as they shined, dancing. Of course I was jealous, I mean no boy in high school ever even asked me out. But that wasn’t the case today. If I wasn’t beautiful, that didn’t matter to me anymore as long as I retained my voice – the only thing I ever had in this world, if Alena chooses to be persistent to remove them from me. “You might just eat your words.”
Maybe I will.
My hand clenched as my teeth gritted. There was nothing more that made me even angrier than people who can’t bother to mind their own business. I hated it. Every time Georgina would always assure me that everything would be alright as she presented different alternatives for chemotherapy made me cringe to the bones. “I can’t believe you, Alena!” I screamed from across the room high and mighty. My voice echoed across the entire hall of my house. Even if a startling pain jitters across my throat like an elastic rubber band, I didn’t even care. “How could you?” I asked her, my voice reaching a desperate tone. “And to me of all people?”
How could you take something so precious away from me?
I reached up to my throat. Finally, the inkling vibration has stopped. “You idiot.” She replied dully. “Shouldn’t I be the one asking that?” Alena placed her hands over on her hips, as if, to emphasize a point. “George, how could you do THAT to yourself?” She pointed insultingly at my scarf-covered vein-bulging neck. This made me clutch over my woolen scarf even more than I ever had defensively. “What has ever made you think that hiding your fucking sickness makes you a hero?”
My lips frowned.
“Argh! I never said that I would be a fucking martyr if I did this.” I said, before feeling a sharp point on my chest. Today was a good day because I woke-up with both strong joints and a voice. Bad days are whenever I can’t even move my body or speak. Either way, both are bad situations to be in today because even if I was having a bad day, nothing could possibly stop Alena from running her mouth. As she’s always done. “Pointless!” I really didn’t want to fight. But I have to defend my own choices. I am not a marionette.
“Uh-uh,” Alena said, raising her face with pride. Now I could feel my heart rushing against the speed of light. At this point, she will convince me that she is right, no matter what I would say to defend myself. “And TAI winning an award is pointless too. Sort of how you lived your life in the past year. Now THAT’s pointless. Embarrassing, even! There are thousands of sick people who’d want to be in your place right now. Have some fucking dignity, bitch.” I guess this is the point wherein it gets unbarred.
“Shut up.” I said strongly. I felt anger so badly that it felt like sin to not say anything rude at this point. I just wanted to keep my voice. That’s all. Why should I even bother to say anything? “All you ever talk is TAI this TAI that. Why don’t you go be a whore and just have sex with everyone in the band?”
I smirked.
“Have you knocked your head out hard last night? Take that back, George.” She slammed her hand on the glass table before pointing over at me. The one that we bought last summer: wherein I first coughed out blood and was diagnosed with cancer. All such precious yet terrible memories; they loom over your conscience and flood till you die. “Or else,”
“No, I won’t.” I said indignantly. Nothing will ever change my mind. “Just go. Get away from me.” My voice ultimately croaked. “I don’t need any one of you.”
“Well, fine. Go die.” Alena said lifting her Coach Bag. Stupid brand whore. All my clothes practically cost less than any of her bags. “I couldn’t care any less.”
Me too.
Bang! She slammed the door.
I’m sure you don’t.
***
“Well?” I heard Alena heave a deep sigh as she tilts the straw of her cherry drink going back and forth, almost toying with it so it seems. I accidentally bit my lip in disgust as I watched her as she focusing deeply on something deep, still pushing her straw here and there. (Ew.) “What do you say?” She asked me, taking a short sip from her straw after. At the bottom of her drink was a thick red gooey substance that has built up from the long interval she drank. (Blech!) Now, it’s seriously making me sick. “Will you do it for me?” I bit my lip once more. I guess this is the effect of watching True Blood often. From far away, I would’ve definitely mistaken her for some vampire fanatic.
I heard some footsteps before noticing the waitress, who was wearing a low-cleavage top that showed her toots, placing my milkshake right in front of me. What an encounter. “Thanks,” I said to the hot blonde, whose name tag said Polly. She nodded then winked over at me from my side, and I gave a ‘sexy’ smile in return. So, sorry. I really wanted to say. If I didn’t just come out from a terrible break-up, I would’ve left Alena here and jacked it all off with this unknown woman probably named Polly.
“No problem,” The waitress wearing a skimpy outfit placed my milkshake in front of me before walking away to somewhere unknown. Probably at a hidden street corner. With someone else. I noticed the red cherry going down inside the shake, which means that this drink is a little too thick. Also, the cream was practically overflowing as it dripped onto the corner of the tall transparent glass. How I know a lot about milkshakes?
Let’s just say I get a lot of them. ;)
“Well,” I revolved my attention back over at Alena. She was still busy thinking about something deeply. Good thing she didn’t see that. Alena has such strict rules implied on the label. Geez. She would actually even pass as my mother for all I care. “I’m not sure. I did have some plans with Spencer and the guys.”
She finally snapped from her reverie, almost hitting the glass with her arm. Thank God. That would’ve broken to a million pieces, and caused a scene. “Please? Gina’s really nice.” Alena said as she tapped a few keys on her Blackberry. Recently, I’ve noticed that Alena loves to drink anything that has cherry in it and –berry. She practically drinks them at every single occasion I see her. “You’d love her instantly.”
“Well,” There was this mingling uncertainty in my voice. I mean, why should I spend the rest of my break on some dying girl whom I’ve never even heard of? That’s practically enough reason for me to say an immediate no. “Alena,” I said, feeling casual. Even though Alena’s like my boss, never has she once made me feel like I was a subordinate or whatsoever. That’s good. “I’m not really the person who’s good with those kinds of things.”
And that’s the truth. I’m no therapist whatnot. Or anything even close.
“I’m begging.” Alena suddenly countered. “Please, Bren?” Her voice sounded desperate. “It’s not like you’re a complete stranger or anything.”
“Duh.” I mumbled out. “You’re like my boss. But Lena, just think of it like this.” I made funny swishy motions as I emphasized each of my points. So cool of me to do that, I must say. “It’s sort-of comparable to hooking two other people up.” I said, nearly choking my words. Good that I didn’t take three sips along with a bite of the sandwich. That would’ve really made a mess. “Like an eyeball.”
“Excuse me? Dude, it’s not like I haven’t done Panic! any favors. You should be thankful. I’m personally producing your next record.” Darn you woman. Breathe. I can’t believe she said all those things in just one breath.
“Fine, Ms. Harper.” I laughed, taking a sip of my milkshake. “You win.”
“Promise?” She asked.
“Promise.”
And I hated her for that.
“Watch your words there, Louise.” She said, stopping on her tracks as she disconnected a call. Today, she was even more beautiful than the last time I met her months ago. The colors on her irises were even more vibrant as they shined, dancing. Of course I was jealous, I mean no boy in high school ever even asked me out. But that wasn’t the case today. If I wasn’t beautiful, that didn’t matter to me anymore as long as I retained my voice – the only thing I ever had in this world, if Alena chooses to be persistent to remove them from me. “You might just eat your words.”
Maybe I will.
My hand clenched as my teeth gritted. There was nothing more that made me even angrier than people who can’t bother to mind their own business. I hated it. Every time Georgina would always assure me that everything would be alright as she presented different alternatives for chemotherapy made me cringe to the bones. “I can’t believe you, Alena!” I screamed from across the room high and mighty. My voice echoed across the entire hall of my house. Even if a startling pain jitters across my throat like an elastic rubber band, I didn’t even care. “How could you?” I asked her, my voice reaching a desperate tone. “And to me of all people?”
How could you take something so precious away from me?
I reached up to my throat. Finally, the inkling vibration has stopped. “You idiot.” She replied dully. “Shouldn’t I be the one asking that?” Alena placed her hands over on her hips, as if, to emphasize a point. “George, how could you do THAT to yourself?” She pointed insultingly at my scarf-covered vein-bulging neck. This made me clutch over my woolen scarf even more than I ever had defensively. “What has ever made you think that hiding your fucking sickness makes you a hero?”
My lips frowned.
“Argh! I never said that I would be a fucking martyr if I did this.” I said, before feeling a sharp point on my chest. Today was a good day because I woke-up with both strong joints and a voice. Bad days are whenever I can’t even move my body or speak. Either way, both are bad situations to be in today because even if I was having a bad day, nothing could possibly stop Alena from running her mouth. As she’s always done. “Pointless!” I really didn’t want to fight. But I have to defend my own choices. I am not a marionette.
“Uh-uh,” Alena said, raising her face with pride. Now I could feel my heart rushing against the speed of light. At this point, she will convince me that she is right, no matter what I would say to defend myself. “And TAI winning an award is pointless too. Sort of how you lived your life in the past year. Now THAT’s pointless. Embarrassing, even! There are thousands of sick people who’d want to be in your place right now. Have some fucking dignity, bitch.” I guess this is the point wherein it gets unbarred.
“Shut up.” I said strongly. I felt anger so badly that it felt like sin to not say anything rude at this point. I just wanted to keep my voice. That’s all. Why should I even bother to say anything? “All you ever talk is TAI this TAI that. Why don’t you go be a whore and just have sex with everyone in the band?”
I smirked.
“Have you knocked your head out hard last night? Take that back, George.” She slammed her hand on the glass table before pointing over at me. The one that we bought last summer: wherein I first coughed out blood and was diagnosed with cancer. All such precious yet terrible memories; they loom over your conscience and flood till you die. “Or else,”
“No, I won’t.” I said indignantly. Nothing will ever change my mind. “Just go. Get away from me.” My voice ultimately croaked. “I don’t need any one of you.”
“Well, fine. Go die.” Alena said lifting her Coach Bag. Stupid brand whore. All my clothes practically cost less than any of her bags. “I couldn’t care any less.”
Me too.
Bang! She slammed the door.
I’m sure you don’t.
***
“Well?” I heard Alena heave a deep sigh as she tilts the straw of her cherry drink going back and forth, almost toying with it so it seems. I accidentally bit my lip in disgust as I watched her as she focusing deeply on something deep, still pushing her straw here and there. (Ew.) “What do you say?” She asked me, taking a short sip from her straw after. At the bottom of her drink was a thick red gooey substance that has built up from the long interval she drank. (Blech!) Now, it’s seriously making me sick. “Will you do it for me?” I bit my lip once more. I guess this is the effect of watching True Blood often. From far away, I would’ve definitely mistaken her for some vampire fanatic.
I heard some footsteps before noticing the waitress, who was wearing a low-cleavage top that showed her toots, placing my milkshake right in front of me. What an encounter. “Thanks,” I said to the hot blonde, whose name tag said Polly. She nodded then winked over at me from my side, and I gave a ‘sexy’ smile in return. So, sorry. I really wanted to say. If I didn’t just come out from a terrible break-up, I would’ve left Alena here and jacked it all off with this unknown woman probably named Polly.
“No problem,” The waitress wearing a skimpy outfit placed my milkshake in front of me before walking away to somewhere unknown. Probably at a hidden street corner. With someone else. I noticed the red cherry going down inside the shake, which means that this drink is a little too thick. Also, the cream was practically overflowing as it dripped onto the corner of the tall transparent glass. How I know a lot about milkshakes?
Let’s just say I get a lot of them. ;)
“Well,” I revolved my attention back over at Alena. She was still busy thinking about something deeply. Good thing she didn’t see that. Alena has such strict rules implied on the label. Geez. She would actually even pass as my mother for all I care. “I’m not sure. I did have some plans with Spencer and the guys.”
She finally snapped from her reverie, almost hitting the glass with her arm. Thank God. That would’ve broken to a million pieces, and caused a scene. “Please? Gina’s really nice.” Alena said as she tapped a few keys on her Blackberry. Recently, I’ve noticed that Alena loves to drink anything that has cherry in it and –berry. She practically drinks them at every single occasion I see her. “You’d love her instantly.”
“Well,” There was this mingling uncertainty in my voice. I mean, why should I spend the rest of my break on some dying girl whom I’ve never even heard of? That’s practically enough reason for me to say an immediate no. “Alena,” I said, feeling casual. Even though Alena’s like my boss, never has she once made me feel like I was a subordinate or whatsoever. That’s good. “I’m not really the person who’s good with those kinds of things.”
And that’s the truth. I’m no therapist whatnot. Or anything even close.
“I’m begging.” Alena suddenly countered. “Please, Bren?” Her voice sounded desperate. “It’s not like you’re a complete stranger or anything.”
“Duh.” I mumbled out. “You’re like my boss. But Lena, just think of it like this.” I made funny swishy motions as I emphasized each of my points. So cool of me to do that, I must say. “It’s sort-of comparable to hooking two other people up.” I said, nearly choking my words. Good that I didn’t take three sips along with a bite of the sandwich. That would’ve really made a mess. “Like an eyeball.”
“Excuse me? Dude, it’s not like I haven’t done Panic! any favors. You should be thankful. I’m personally producing your next record.” Darn you woman. Breathe. I can’t believe she said all those things in just one breath.
“Fine, Ms. Harper.” I laughed, taking a sip of my milkshake. “You win.”
“Promise?” She asked.
“Promise.”
♠ ♠ ♠
:)