Radio Man

The room is swallowed by darkness, only the dull yellow light buzzing from the desk lamp gives the room some relief. Well, part of the room anyway. The radio is kind of crackling, rising and dropping in volume because Frank can’t find a fucking spot where the reception is any better. This room is like a fucking dead spot for his poor, abused radio.

The pencil pauses above the paper as Black Flag penetrates the dull silence. Frank smiles to himself. Shit, he thinks, haven’t heard this song since fucking high school… And it’s just as awesome as he remembers, even though admittedly, it hasn’t been that long since he graduated. The lead of his blunt HB pencil finally makes contact, leaving a dark and dull grey line where he is writing the letter ‘K’ for his report for college.

The radio drops out for a few seconds before coming back in, the volume high and screechy, making him jump suddenly at the sudden assault of noise.

“Fucking radio,” He dramatically shakes his head and sighs to an invisible audience before he continues his report, struggling to remember the information he had gathered at the library earlier that day.

Fucking Psychology. As with most schoolwork, it seems to get harder and harder each time a new report is due. Frank turns and looks at his clock, sitting near the lamp that is now buzzing like mad. It’s just past 2am and he needs to be ready for class at 7. This… is shit.

He is interrupted from his scathing thoughts by a familiar voice, and almost looks around the apartment for the source, though he knows it’s just the disembodied voice of his favourite DJ.

“For anyone who is awake, it is now 2.12am which means that it is well and truly Monday morning. Lines are now open for business, so if you have any problems that you would like help with, call in now on -555-435-tal. While we wait for our first dedicated caller, here is a song that is admittedly one of my personal favourites, here is The Smiths with ‘Please Please Please,’”

Frank sniggers to himself as yet again, this isn’t a song he’s heard since high school. Frank likes this radio station –if he could hear it properly he would like it even more- because he gets to listen to people ringing up with their problems, and the DJ, G or Gee – he doesn’t know which one, but it must be something similar, at least- talks them through it and gives advice.

Gee must be young, around 25-26 maybe, because, well, he sounds young, for one. His sense of humour is also youthful and just… fucking amazing to Frank and he has a music taste relative to Frank’s age. It’s good taste in music, too. Over the weekend, Frank will usually stay up and laugh along with Gee when he makes a corny joke, or when someone has this really embarrassing problem, normally to do with sex and you can just tell that it makes Gee a little giggly and maybe even a bit weirded out by some of the kinkier stories. But heck, Frank himself gets a little weirded out by some of the shit people ring up about. For example, one girl rang in about jelly getting sticky and not washing off properly from her boyfriends genitals, and was that normal? Now this kind of scenario is more frequent than Frank would have thought, and it’s also just plain fucking weird in his books. Don’t get him wrong, he likes to think that he’s relatively kinky and inventive in bed, but there is kinky and then there is fucking stupid-kinky.

“Uh, good morning, or… late night to my fellow listeners who should be asleep! Again, this is Gee talking and we now have our first live caller of this ungodly hour. Mandy from New York City, how are you?”

Frank stops his writing and listens, waiting to hear what her problem is and already grinning in anticipation.

“Umm, hi to you too. I’m ok, a little tired but yeah, I guess you get that at this time, right?”

“Yes Yes, I myself am having to top up on the old coffee every few minutes. You’d think I’d be used to it by now, huh?” a chuckle crackles into Frank’s room making him smile a little more as he lifts his own coffee to his lips. All of this coffee-talk is making him thirsty. “So Mandy, how may I help you?”

“Well, my boyfriend asked me some things earlier. About sex. Different... techniques. I’m not sure that I want to do what he suggested, but I really don’t know how to tell him without upsetting him.”

Frank smiles because he knows Gee hates these kinds of things. Well, he can only guess by the sigh that always follows, and as if on cue, there is a small and yet definitely noticeable sigh. Or maybe frank has listened to this station for too long.

“Mandy, Mandy, Mandy. If you don’t feel comfortable with the sexual positions your boyfriend told you about, just tell him. it’s about you feeling comfortable and if he doesn’t understand that... well then that is his bad luck, don’t try and make him happy by doing stuff that makes you feel weird or wrong.”

“Okay, but how do I like. Tell him? Because, he seems pretty adamant on uhhh. Voyeurism, and I just. I can’t, ya’know?”

Frank full on laughs as he listens to this poor woman talk. Straight laced, he thinks with a smile.

“Oh, well no I don’t know because that is one of my own little kinks.”Once again, contagious laughter filters the air with a crackle and causes Frank to laugh along as per usual. He makes himself stop and concentrate on his work, and then laughs again. “Okay, but seriously Mandy. If voyeurism isn’t your thing then tell him, I am sure you two can discuss something that you will both like. Relationships, I’m sure you understand, are full of compromises. I hope this has helped you Mandy, thanks for calling. This song is by Fall Out Boy, it’s their latest single from their newest album. I actually think it’s quite catchy— and Bob is shaking his head at me. Shut up, Bob, I’m allowed to have my own opinions.”

There is the vague sound of a short scuffle, and then Gee’s bright laugh again. “Okay, here it is. Fall Out Boy with I Don’t Care!”

Sometimes Radio Man, as Gee’s frequent guest Mikey likes to call him, can be pretty random, but it’s all part of the guy’s charm. He is one of the main reasons Frank loves this station. He loves it so much in fact, that he falls asleep halfway through FOB with his report only half finished.

***

The college professor gives him 1 extra day to finish his report, but only because he has some weird fascination with Frank. That usually scares Frank, but today he is actually kind of grateful for older weirder dudes and their disgusting, perverted fantasies.

“Dude, you are so fucking late!” Frank nods frantically and turns on his PC in a hurry.

“Fuck ray, some days I really hate college,” Frank gasps, “Aaronson totally gave me a lecture, and I think he was flirting at the same time. It was terrifying, but I got an extension on the due date.” Frank rambled as he waited for his stupid computer to boot up.

“Why don’t you take the weekend shift, then?” Ray asks, all superior-like. Ray is never late. “You’re always late on weekdays. I’m surprised that Schechter hasn’t fire your ass.” Ray looks over at him, and Frank swears that Ray has secret gazing super-powers, because he can tell that Ray is staring at the back of his head.

“Ray, you knowweekends are like, my only fucking time off man. I’m only fifteen minutes late, Brian shouldn’t worry. Too much,” his teeth worry into his bottom lip as the PC finally brings him to the start up screen.

Working as an editor in the Local News Paper is shit, but it gives good enough pay to get him by. Ray works in the sport and stock-take editing area, which confuses the fuck out of Frank because seriously, how the hell do those two even come close to being the same damn thing? Whereas Frank works in the ‘Dear Editor’ and also the ‘Dear Way’ area.

Dear Way, just so happens to be the famed late-night DJ. He is like, a fucking idol to Frank because seriously, working on the radio and being in the News Paper every week is like, fucking unreal. Seriously.

“And what kind of questions has your Radio Man answered today?” Ray smirks from behind his coffee mug, which is just as well, cause Frank would totally sack-whack him for being an ass. Or think of something totally awesome to shut him up. Or something. Frank was never the best at impulsive plans.

“Let’s see. Marriage problems as usual, Uhm. Some couple can’t get pregnant, some chick had an affair and oh! Here we go, ok… ahem,” he clears his throat and shuffles in his seat, making Ray roll his eyes as he reads the article he is about to edit for tomorrows printing.

“Dear Way, I am a forty-five year old woman who has been widowed for many years, I have not had a partner since my late husband, but recently I started ‘seeing’ a young man, who is admittedly a lot younger than me. Do you believe this is morally or ethically wrong of me?”

“Oh, that old minx, ha! What did Way say?” Ray leans closer and Frank can smell his damn breath and it smells like coffee and something long dead, which makes Frank scrunch his nose, but he continues reading.

“Dear forty-five year old woman with gorgeous younger boy-toy. I do not see anything wrong with what you have going. You are a woman who has needs, even if you are a little older. I say good on you, keep those muscles working and don’t let him out run you!”
Frank and Ray crack up laughing, causing Brian, who was walking down the hall to turn sharply and enter their shared cubicle.

“Something funny? Frank, you’re late. Again.”

“Shit, sorry Brian, just college. Ya’know the works,”

“Frank I do know the works but if you can’t get here on time then I am going to fire you,” Brian threatens, probably a lot less menacing than he meant it to be.

“No you won’t,” Brian stares at Frank, stunned. Shocked. Fucking shocked. Frank realises too late that staff do not talk back to their managers like he just did, but what the hell. It’s not like Brian would actually fire Frank.

“What? Yes I will,” Brian says defensively, and for a horrifying moment, Frank thinks his boss can read minds.

“No. You really won’t.” Frank says confidently, as Ray stares between them like it’s a fucking grand final tennis match.

“What the hell Iero!? Yes. I will. Especially if you don’t pull your head out of your ass and talking back to your own goddamn boss!” Brian exclaims, flustered, and Frank smirks.

“I’m pretty sure you goddamn wont.” He says cockily, and by now, Brian Schechter is bright red.

“Why the hell not?” he finally sputters.

“Because...” Frank draws the word out slowly. “I am your best damn editor here and no one else will take the Dear Editor position. Also because you love me and secretly want in my pants,” Frank finishes with a grin so cheesy he’s sure there will be mice looking for directions. Ray snorts at the way he says pants.

“What? No. Ew, Iero, no. Just. God damn it, get back to work,” Brian blushes heavily.

“We were working before you interrupted us.” Frank says smoothly. “I was reading it out to Toro and he was Proof Listening,” he nods his head because. Yeah. That totally proves his point and it seems to work because Brian sighs and walks off. Yeah, take that, Schechter.

“You’re such a damn bitch, Frank,” Ray says while Brian is in earshot, just to suck up.

“Fuck up Ray and get back to work,” Frank says flippantly, in a perfect imitation of his favourite boss....