Radio Man

“It is 3:15am on Thursday morning and the witching hour has just passed.”The voice actually seems deeper and darker than normal, but Frank isn’t creeped out like he would be normally. “Bryar get off the damn line!”Suddenly, the voice is back to normal, possibly a bit higher-pitched in agitation, but definitely more familiar.

“Sorry guys. Bryar is like talking into my ear telling me I am sounding a little creepy because I am talking in a deep voice. Gosh, I am sorry if I come from New Jersey and you come from Chicago Bob, but you gotta understand this is my like... accent or something. Okay fine. My manager says we want people to ring up and tell us what they think of my accent, just a quick little thing. Lines will be open for 5 maybe 10 minutes then it will be back to problems, songs and maybe just a little hello,”

Frank yawns and stretches out on the bed. His toes curl inward – and yeah no duh, because like fuck they can curl outward all the way, ouch- and his legs get the best damn stretch ever and oh god it feels like a mini orgasm he doesn’t want to stop and can’t help but groan and moan a little because. Uhm. Yeah.

“Okay... Ed from Illinois is on the line. Huh, I didn’t even know we aired there... See children, you learn something new every day! So Ed, what do you think of my voice?”

“Well, Gee. I think you have quite a nice voice. It’s deep and, kind of husky and has that Jersey twang in it. It’s actually really… it’s a phone sex voice,”

Frank finds himself laughing, but also nodding in agreement. Oh boy. Maybe he should just go die, now. Normal people aren’t this pathetic, right?

“Oh wow! That’s awesome. My new day job can be a sex operator! How is that Bryar? I can finally talk huskily to you and have a reason. And you can call me in the daytime for the same reason! Argh! I’m kidding. No. Bryar! I am-NO! Okay. Haha okay, okay! Sorry Ed. Bobert was going to do something very mean to me but I really like your umm... outlook on my voice. I was expecting... uhm. Different answers. That makes me feel pretty darn special, ya’know!”

“Just saying it how it is.” Ed exclaimed, and whoa, that voice was not subtle at all. The stupid sleaze was flirting with Frank’s RadioMan!! That was horrible! Atrocious! Blasphemous, even!

“Oh Ed stop, you’re making me blush.” Gerard laughs it off, as he was trained to do, but Frank can hear an edge of nervousness to his voice, and can tell that Gerard really was kind of freaked out by the man’s affections. It makes him feel even guiltier now, about liking Gerard in the way he does, if Gerard would act so upset that if they ever did meet.

“Our next caller is... Frank from New Jersey!” Gerard laughs enthusiastically, and Frank’s heart stops. He isn’t on the phone. Who could be pretending to be him? Did someone want to steal his Gerard!?!? “Is this the same Frank from New Jersey that requested Guns’N’Roses?”

“Uh... no.”The voice is disguised, but Frank can tell its Mikey. He scowls and kicks at his wall, hopefully startling the younger brother. Mikey is a bastard traitor. Who is in love with Brian; secretly, of course. Which made it worse, because then Brian will fire Frank and Mikey will laugh and tell Gerard how pathetic Frank is. Oh no! Frank doesn’t need any more help in looking pathetic!

Gerard isn’t affected by this non-Frank Frank, and just laughs it off. “Okay, Frank #2 from New Jersey! What would you like to say about my voice?”

Frank’s breathing sort of feels restricted somehow. Mikey is going to befoul his name with his stupid brotherly pranks! It just isn’t fair! He was playing dirty and eliminating all of Frank’s chances with Gerard!

“I was just going to say that you remind me of a Muppet with a head cold.”Mikey states bluntly, all disguises to his voice gone. Frank flails around a bit, punching and kicking and head-butting everything in his reach. This hurts, naturally.

“Mikey Way, if you call up one more time, I will—”The radio cuts out, and Frank stares at it until the show comes back on the air. Gerard sounds flustered, but otherwise, gets back to his usual self within minutes.

Frank can hear Mikey laughing next door. Maybe he’s not so sad for staying up at 3am in the morning just to hear a faceless man’s voice over the radio. Even if he is due back at college in four hours. Mikey is definitely worse. Yeah.

***

“Frank…” Frank wonders whether it is Gerard calling his name, and smiles His mysterious DJ is calling for him!

Franks dreaming of killer penguins right now, And they are suddenly able to talk and they are saying his name using Gerard’s Muppet voice! Maybe they’re terrorists and want to high jack the Newspaper and they will take Frank hostage and now they are shaking him, but this feels a little too real and Frank is starting to freak. The. Fuck. Out. They have his Gerard and now they want the newspaper—

“Frank!”

“Huh!?” his voice is thick with sleep and his throat feels like he’s smoked about a pack of 40 cigarettes in about 10 minutes.

“Frank! Dude! Brian is pissed at you for fucking being late and he’s coming now so wake. The. Fuck. Up!”

At that, Frank shoots up, making the small drool puddle he had going on kind of string from the desk to his mouth before it snaps and just kind of sickly sticks to his chin. Ew. Thanks to Ray’s disgusted stare, Frank would have never known. But it’s not like Ray can talk! Ray, who compulsively chews his fingernails and doesn’t even brush his fro or anything remotely close to refined. The man has hygiene issues, for serious.

“Urgh.” Frank mumbles, feeling miserable and heart-broken and sick.

“Yeah, man, ‘urgh.’ You’re fucking weird.”

“Shut. Up.” Frank’s kind of seeing two of everything, so his friendly punch to Ray’s shoulder turns into four failed attempts and four weird looks from the be-fro’ed man. Men. There are four, you see? Oh god, before there were just two Rays, and now there’s four? Will he build an afro-army and take the entire population of Gerards hostage? Frank needs his Gerard!

“You better have a damn good reason why I don’t fire your arse right now.” The six Brians growl, and wow, they’re actually quite intimidating when there’s more than one!

Frank sniffs, tries to keep his eyes open but it doesn’t really work. The next thing he knows, he’s mumbling about multiples of everyone and how he should join their clone army, and Brian looks really freaked out. Frank can taste bile in his mouth and something metallic. He doesn’t eat metal, so that’s really weird.

He can hear Ray repeating “Oh my god, ew!” over and over in the background. What a nice time to be sick, he thinks, and then everything swirls four times and goes dark.

***

“So you didn’t get fired?”
Radio man’s voice is full of withheld laughter and Frank can understand why, because he is laughing too.

“No man, I mean. It was just perfect timing. I didn’t have a reason for being late and being asleep. And then just. Yeah. It came up and Brian—my boss—sent me home with an apologetic look. It was really sweet, because I always annoy the crap out of him and he does to me, too. Oh, am I allowed to say that? Does crap constitute as a swear word these days? ”

Frank decided to ring up the station tonight seeing as the topic for calls tonight was “work place health and safety” and “most embarrassing moments in your life” which is everyday in Frank’s case, so he chooses wisely and goes with the kind of gross but also funny story. He knows it’ll appeal to Gerard’s sometimes childlike humour..

“I wouldn’t say the word crap is swearing, but that’s just me, of course. Frank, I have to say. That is fairly disgusting but also hilarious. Bryar is laughing too right now and that my friend is an accomplishment. That actually sounds like something my brother would do!”

“Well. I am sure your brother has done worse things.” Like that time he took the space heater into the shower?

“Ah, that he has, but shittily—oops! To all the viewers out there, I did not just swear on live broadcast okay? You are my witnesses, people! Umm, unfortunately there isn’t enough time for me to get into the hundreds of things he has done, maybe another time Frankie? Thanks for calling again, man and thanks for sharing with us. It’s good talking to you!”

Frank hangs up and turns the radio off because he really, really needs a break from it. Just a few days without the DJ can’t harm him. He really needs to catch up on some sleep before he gets even sicker. And also because it is getting to the point where Frank now dreams of radio man in all these different looks and none of them suit him. It’s like hearing a name or voice you know but forgetting their face, and it’s quite disconcerting. He is now mature enough to admit that he is becoming too obsessed with a person he doesn’t even know. He’s just not mature enough to think about how far over his head he’s already gotten.