On the Edge
A Knock on the Door
After crashing on the couch and not doing much of anything yesterday and most of today besides moping and feeling very confused I finally decided to get up and get dressed.
When I got out of the shower and was finished getting dressed I went back downstairs and looked at my phone. I had three new text messages. Two from Christine and one from Tom.
’I heard what happened hun, call me when you get this’. Was the first from Christine.
And the second read ’Hun, come on. Call me. I know you want to talk. You hate bottling things up.’
The hell I did. At least when it came to boyfriends and stuff that really tore me up. I only kept my emotions to myself because I hated crying in front of people, even my best friend. I preferred to cry when I was by myself. Sometimes people trying to comfort me made it worse, that’s why it was easier to be alone.
I purposely saved Tom’s message for last. It read ’Nikki please I know you’re upset but please, please let me talk to you.’
I let out a long sigh and plopped onto the couch. I called Christine first, to let her know I was ok. I was debating on whether or not to let Tom talk to me. My heart, of course, was telling me to just listen to him but my mind wasn’t thinking it was a good idea.
“Christine, its Nikki, I don’t know what you’re doing, but you told me to call you and now you’re not answering your phone.” I laughed lightly then said “Well call me when you get this. I kinda do want to talk. I’m just really confused and hurt right now and I’m not really sure what to do. So yeah, call me. Love ya. Bye.”
I hung up the phone then stared at it for a few moments. I scrolled through my contacts and ironically I landed on Tom’s name. I was just about to hit send after summing up the courage and taking many deep breaths when there was a knock on the door.
“What are you doing here?” I questioned to Tom who was standing in my doorway, head down. “I told you I wanted to be alone Tom. I need time to think about… everything.”
“I know.” He started then took a deep breath. “I just came by to let you know we’re leaving for the tour early tomorrow morning.”
“What?! No, but that’s so soon.”
“I thought you didn’t want me around?”
“I never said that. I said I wanted to be alone for a little while.”
“Well, you’ve got your wish.” He said, sounding somewhat sad.
“How long are you going to be gone?”
“A few months from what Jost said.” He shrugged.
“Oh…” I searched for the right words to say. “Well good luck with it. I’m sure your fans will love you and you’ll all do great.”
“Thanks. But the thing is… before all this happened I wanted to ask you something.” I waited until he continued. “I wanted to know if you would come with us, seeing as you haven’t been to the states in years and I think you’d really enjoy seeing what tour life is like.”
“That’s a bit much to be asking of me right now Tom.”
“I know, but we could make things up and ---“
“You’re not making this any easier on me. I can’t just pretend it nothing happened.”
“If you would just let me explain, I was drunk and she came onto me and”
“Tom stop.” I put my hand up. “I really don’t want to hear it, at least not now.”
“But why won’t you listen to me?” his voice was pleading now.
“Think about how you would feel if I was the one off slutting it up with some guy. I don’t think you would want to hear about it, would you?”
“I would at least let you explain.”
I laughed sarcastically. “That’s bullshit and you know it. You’d be pissed off and wouldn’t want to see me again.”
He stood there for a moment. He knew I was right. “After a day or so, maybe, but then I’d hear your side.”
“I don’t think so Tom.” I shook my head. “Have fun on your tour and good luck. I’m sorry but I can’t go with you.” Tears started to fill my eyes. Why was this so hard?
“Bye Nikki. I’ll call you.”
Please do. I don’t think I can bear not hearing your voice while you’re gone. I may be pissed off but I love you too much for you not to say anything. If only I could’ve actually said that. But no, instead I was a complete bitch and said “Don’t.”
“I will. Count on it. I can’t lose you Nikki and I’m going to do everything I can to prove I didn’t cheat on you.” With that he walked away and another time that day I went inside and cried.
When I got out of the shower and was finished getting dressed I went back downstairs and looked at my phone. I had three new text messages. Two from Christine and one from Tom.
’I heard what happened hun, call me when you get this’. Was the first from Christine.
And the second read ’Hun, come on. Call me. I know you want to talk. You hate bottling things up.’
The hell I did. At least when it came to boyfriends and stuff that really tore me up. I only kept my emotions to myself because I hated crying in front of people, even my best friend. I preferred to cry when I was by myself. Sometimes people trying to comfort me made it worse, that’s why it was easier to be alone.
I purposely saved Tom’s message for last. It read ’Nikki please I know you’re upset but please, please let me talk to you.’
I let out a long sigh and plopped onto the couch. I called Christine first, to let her know I was ok. I was debating on whether or not to let Tom talk to me. My heart, of course, was telling me to just listen to him but my mind wasn’t thinking it was a good idea.
“Christine, its Nikki, I don’t know what you’re doing, but you told me to call you and now you’re not answering your phone.” I laughed lightly then said “Well call me when you get this. I kinda do want to talk. I’m just really confused and hurt right now and I’m not really sure what to do. So yeah, call me. Love ya. Bye.”
I hung up the phone then stared at it for a few moments. I scrolled through my contacts and ironically I landed on Tom’s name. I was just about to hit send after summing up the courage and taking many deep breaths when there was a knock on the door.
“What are you doing here?” I questioned to Tom who was standing in my doorway, head down. “I told you I wanted to be alone Tom. I need time to think about… everything.”
“I know.” He started then took a deep breath. “I just came by to let you know we’re leaving for the tour early tomorrow morning.”
“What?! No, but that’s so soon.”
“I thought you didn’t want me around?”
“I never said that. I said I wanted to be alone for a little while.”
“Well, you’ve got your wish.” He said, sounding somewhat sad.
“How long are you going to be gone?”
“A few months from what Jost said.” He shrugged.
“Oh…” I searched for the right words to say. “Well good luck with it. I’m sure your fans will love you and you’ll all do great.”
“Thanks. But the thing is… before all this happened I wanted to ask you something.” I waited until he continued. “I wanted to know if you would come with us, seeing as you haven’t been to the states in years and I think you’d really enjoy seeing what tour life is like.”
“That’s a bit much to be asking of me right now Tom.”
“I know, but we could make things up and ---“
“You’re not making this any easier on me. I can’t just pretend it nothing happened.”
“If you would just let me explain, I was drunk and she came onto me and”
“Tom stop.” I put my hand up. “I really don’t want to hear it, at least not now.”
“But why won’t you listen to me?” his voice was pleading now.
“Think about how you would feel if I was the one off slutting it up with some guy. I don’t think you would want to hear about it, would you?”
“I would at least let you explain.”
I laughed sarcastically. “That’s bullshit and you know it. You’d be pissed off and wouldn’t want to see me again.”
He stood there for a moment. He knew I was right. “After a day or so, maybe, but then I’d hear your side.”
“I don’t think so Tom.” I shook my head. “Have fun on your tour and good luck. I’m sorry but I can’t go with you.” Tears started to fill my eyes. Why was this so hard?
“Bye Nikki. I’ll call you.”
Please do. I don’t think I can bear not hearing your voice while you’re gone. I may be pissed off but I love you too much for you not to say anything. If only I could’ve actually said that. But no, instead I was a complete bitch and said “Don’t.”
“I will. Count on it. I can’t lose you Nikki and I’m going to do everything I can to prove I didn’t cheat on you.” With that he walked away and another time that day I went inside and cried.