I'm the Kind of Human Wreckage That You Love

“Good night!” I screamed in the mike before walking off stage. I wiped the sweat off my forehead and headed back to the dressing room to take a shower and get dressed in clean clothes. I tried my best to be as fast as possible so I wouldn’t miss much from the GC show but when I made my way back there, they had already played three songs. I frowned and huffed as I grabbed a beer and took my usual spot on the amp, not even surprised when I saw Brian already sitting there.

“What did I miss?” I inquired as I sat next to him, pushing him a little because he was taking all the space.

“Just ‘Chronicles’, ‘Little things’ and ‘I just wanna live’…” he replied clinking his beer with mine and then focusing back on the show. I pouted but didn’t say anything. I loved watching Billy play ‘I just wanna live’, he was always jumping and swirling around with his guitar.

“I feel completely left out…” said Syn with a sigh after he took a swig of his beer.

“Why, thank you!” I said, trying to keep the smile off my face.

“No, I don’t mean because of you… Just look!” he said pointing at where his band mates were. I looked at the group and saw what he meant. Jimmy was with Ash, Zacky was with Cha, Johnny was with Jess and Matt was with Val who had just joined the tour. She had been looking at me weirdly for a moment when Brian introduced me, I actually thought she might have recognized me but she didn’t say a thing so I shrugged it off.

He sighed.

“They all look so happy… I’m jealous.” He muttered playfully as he brought his beer to his lips.

“Don’t choke!” I warned him with a smile. He chuckled but then mock-glared at me.

“Will you stop changing the subject!”

I stuck my tongue at him and then glanced at my band mates. They all looked so happy together, I knew exactly what he meant. The girls were spending a lot of time with the guys, leaving me to share my spare time between Brian and Billy, I’m not complaining it’s just that I miss the time when it was just us girls goofing around in the bus. Ash and Jess fighting for the bathroom, Cha breaking the fight by pushing me in the bathroom… It wasn’t like that anymore, it was them (Cha, Jess, Ash and their boyfriends) and us (me, Billy and Brian).

When I was with Billy, I didn’t have to be careful on what I was saying, but when Brian was with us it was different and I couldn’t spend more than two hours with them together because I was bound to have an headache…

“Aren’t you tired of watching them play?” asked Brian after a few seconds of silence. Well, not really silent because of the music…

“Never… And even if I’m thinking about doing something else than watching their show because hearing the same song night after night could get boring, I think about all the persons who are dying to be in my place... And plus, I know that this won’t last forever, I wanna remember every single thing that happened during this tour.” I replied truthfully. My eyes widened a little and I turned my face the other way, pretending to look at something else. I didn’t think before speaking this time, it was getting harder and harder to stay concentrate with Brian around. We were friends, nothing more, but it was hard enough believe me…

“I know what you mean… Sometimes I can’t help but wonder what would happen if it had to stop. I don’t know if I could survive without this” he said as he made a hand gesture towards the stage. “And without them” he added motioning to the crowd.

I nodded as an answer. I didn’t know what to say.

We stayed silence during the rest of Good Charlotte’s show. It was a comfortable silence, not as awkward as it was during the first few days when we were talking. There were so many things I wanted to tell him but I didn’t know where to start, and it wasn’t the moment.

Finally, Billy walked off stage, high-fiving both me and Brian on his way and headed to the dressing room. I had two options. Option one: I could follow Billy to the dressing room and waited behind the door as he was taking his shower like I was doing often so we could talk while he was showering and then we would go and watch the rest of the show; option two: I could stay here and watch Avenged Sevenfold, during their entire performance.
It would look suspicious if I was following Billy to the dressing room…

But it wasn’t the first time…

But people are already wondering about me and Billy’s relationship…

I never care, why should I care now?

But Brian would feel rejected… He already feels alone. And Billy is a big boy, he will join me on the amp once he’s showered.

I held my head in both hands, letting out a frustrated sight as I heard Billy saying that he would be back in a few. I looked up to see Brian looking worriedly at me, his arm around my shoulder.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, my head’s just spinning, nothing to worry…” I reassured him with a smile. He nodded, kissed my forehead and then headed to his band mates. I stayed on the amp, stretching my legs and then crossing them underneath me once again. I waited for Brian to come back, his guitar in hand, he high-fived me, followed by the other members who did the same and they all took their places on stage.

I watched the show and for the first time I really enjoyed it, I wasn’t worrying about Brian or Matt finding out, all the stress was thrown to the back of my mind as I heard Matt’s voice singing ‘Unholy Confessions’. Brian would glance at me every once in a while but I wasn’t expecting him too, I mean he was on the other side of the stage and I perfectly know that once you’re up there, nothing matters except the crowd. At least that’s how it was for me. The world could come crashing down while I was on stage and I couldn’t care less…

A couple songs later and Billy finally came back from the shower, his hair damp and without any eyeliner on. I smiled at him as he took the sit next to me and wrapped his arms around me in a hug. I hugged him back and that’s how we watched the rest of the show.

I was content in that situation. The balance between my friendship with Billy and my friendship with Brian was well established, it was just the perfect equilibrium.

I was just praying that nothing would come and messed it up…