I'm the Kind of Human Wreckage That You Love

I couldn’t stand still while watching Good Charlotte’s performance, so instead of sitting on the amp and listening to them, I was twirling around, doing pirouette and whatnot. The girls were laughing at me from afar, along with their boyfriends. I had a huge smile as I was spinning around, waving at Chris every now and then, causing him to laugh and shook his head at me while kicking the drums. Benji was trying his best not to look at me, and Billy was focused on his guitar and the crowd. He would smile at me a couple times but nothing more. He was acting weirdly…

I pushed this thought to the back of my mind as Brian walked towards me and held out his hand, I raised an eyebrow as he took my hand seeing that I didn’t react and we started dancing around to ‘Boys and Girls’, it wasn’t really dancing, it was more like he was twirling around with me so I wouldn’t feel like a complete retarded. We were two retards.

My head was hurting from spinning around so much. I held my head in both hands and stopped moving for a while, hoping the stage would stand still. But it didn’t and I lost my balance. I was waiting for the collision with the floor but it didn’t came and when I opened my eyes, Brian was holding me and everyone was gathered around me, a worried expression on their faces. Even Benji was stealing worried glances at me from the stage. I waved at him, smiling, just to let him know that I was okay, and I noticed Billy looking at me weirdly, like I had something on my face or anything. I frowned and kept looking at him, hoping he was going to look at me too but didn’t.

“Are you alright?” asked Cha, who was knelled down in front of me.

“I’m fine!” I said as I pushed myself away from Brian’s grip and stood up properly, smiling at everyone. “I just lost my balance that’s all. Thanks for catching me Syn!”

I decided to stop jumping around and simply sat on the amp, waiting for Billy to come off stage. Brian came to sit next to me, and gave me a beer before he started talking about Adeline once again… I was barely listening, too focused on Billy’s behavior. He didn’t looked at me, his eye were glued to his guitar. I crossed my arms over my chest, tapping my foot and nodding every once in a while at whatever Brian was telling me.

**

It was the last song of the night, and Avenged Sevenfold were on stage, rocking out like always.

“Thank you San Francisco! You guys fucking rule!” Matt screamed in the mike as the last notes of Trashed&Scattered hung in the air. Brian threw his picks in the crowd and smirked before walking off stage. I got up and made my way to the dressing room, Billy walking next to me; he hadn’t sit next to me, he had been talking with Benji and Joel the whole time. He looked preoccupied. I frowned, for once that I was happy, my best friend wasn’t… I wrapped my arms around him, making him stop in the process and hugged him tight.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, my voice muffled by his T-shirt.

“Nothing…” he said, but then sighed. “Actually no, there’s something but it’s not important so don’t worry about me okay?” he added, sighing again. He kissed my hair, pulled away and walked in the dressing room.

I looked at him as he grabbed his bag and headed for the showers that were at the end of the corridor. I mimicked his actions, taking my stuff and made my way towards the showers.
I turned the water on as I got undressed and then stepped under the warm water.

I knew Billy, I knew his body language: when he ran a hand through his hair, when he shoved his hands in his pockets, when he rubbed his neck, the look on his face when he’s hungry, thirsty, exhausted… I knew when he needed a hug. I knew everything about him, everything, except for the strange glint in his eyes when he told me that it was nothing. I sighed and grabbed the body wash.
Seeing my best friend like that was bothering me, and it was even more bothering because he never acted this way before. Okay, so I was wrong when I said that nothing could bring me down tonight…
I rinsed myself and turned off the shower. I grabbed the towel and wrapped it around my body. I didn’t feel that happy anymore as I rummaged through my bag in search of some clothes. I got dressed and then headed back to the dressing room.

Billy was already sitting on the couch, waiting for everyone else to be done showering. I dropped my bag and then made my way towards him. I sat on the couch and turned to look at him.

“Listen Billy, if it’s about the incident at the gas station, I’m sorry… I didn’t want to upset you…” I said, looking down at my hands.

“Lyn, I swear, it has nothing to do with what happened. It was just a lame joke.” He said, looking at the wall opposite him. I snuggled closer to him, lifting his arm and putting it around my shoulder as I rested my head against his chest and wrapped my arms around him. I felt him tensed. I unwrapped my arms and pushed myself off him, looking at him.

“Okay… You’ve been acting all weird… What’s wrong? Does it have something to do with me?” I asked, resting a hand on his tight. His eyes quickly drifted to my hand and I retracted it slowly. He sighed, looking at me for a brief second before looking down at his lap, letting out a heavy sight.

“I thought I could keep it for myself but it’s getting harder and harder” he said in a low voice. I swallowed the lump in my throat, I didn’t like the way he was acting.

“I tried so hard but I guess it wasn’t enough…” he trailed off.

“Billy, what’s wrong?” I murmured as I rested my hand on top of his. I waited but he didn’t retract it, he simply sighed and closed his eyes. My mind was running wild, trying to think of things that could explain his behavior.

“They were right…” he mumbled. I frowned.

“Billy, tell me… Did I do something wrong, something that upset you?”

His head snapped in my direction. “It’s not you fault” he said, “You didn’t do anything, it’s my fault… I’m stupid!” he muttered, looking down. “I can’t tell you, you’ll freak out.”

I rested my hands on either side of his face and held it firmly, forcing him to look at me. I was freaking out to no end. The worst things were flashing in my mind, the next worst than the previous one.

“What did you do?” I asked in a whisper, afraid of the answer. The silence in the room was unbearable. It was just the two of us, the others were still showering.

“I made a mistake…”

“Whatever you did, it can’t be that bad…”

He finally looked at me for more than a second, took a deep breath and…

“I fell in love with you.” He whispered. I had expected a lot of things but nothing like that. My hands dropped to my lap. I knew I had to say something, anything… I was lost for words, but I made a weak attempt:
“Billy, I…”

The door opened and Johnny came in, running around wearing only a towel as Zacky, Jimmy and Brian were chasing after him, their hands covered in shaving cream.

I quickly looked away from Billy’s eyes, ran a hand through my hair and got up.

“I need to sleep…” I excused myself as I grabbed my bag and left the room, heading back to the hotel.