I'm the Kind of Human Wreckage That You Love

I hurried down the corridor and to the back door. There were still some fans waiting there. I plastered a smile on my face and made my way towards them. I signed a couple autographs and took a few pictures.

“The boys should be out shortly” I said as I waved at them and made my way to the hotel, which wasn’t far from the venue. I had two choices: -going back to my room but I could be sure to see one of the girls shortly, or even worse, one of the boys. –or finding somewhere else to go.
I headed to the reception.

“Excuse me, but is there, by any chance a room with a piano or something?” I asked the woman, my fingers lightly taping on the wooden surface. She looked at me for a few seconds, probably realizing who I was.

“Oh sure. I think there’s a piano in the ballroom.” She explained as she got up from her sit to show me where it was. She pointed to dark wooden doors on the other side of the lobby, not far from the bar. I smiled at her before making my way to the ballroom.

I walked to the piano that was settled on a platform, next to the windows. I dropped my bag and sat on the stool. I let my fingers travel across the keyboard before sighing and placing my fingers once again. The first notes soon turned into a piano version of “With or without you” by U2.

The perfect equilibrium had been broken. Billy’s declaration had caught me off guards. I had never seen him as someone I could share more than friendship with, to me, Billy was the best friend, the one everyone wants in their lives and I was lucky to have him. But now, I was afraid that he might want to take his distance. I just wish I could find a way to keep him in my life somehow. I couldn’t imagine not having him. I just couldn’t… I stopped playing and gaze outside of the window.

Maybe I could give it a try?

I mean, dating Billy…

But what if it doesn’t work, I would loose him forever. And I couldn’t take the risk. The next song I started to play turned out to be “Good Riddance”… Funny how my mind seemed to relate everything that happened to me to this song…

My mind started to wander back to my past relationships.
It had only been a few after Brian… Every time I ended it because I couldn’t help but always made a comparison between Brian and my current boyfriend and the result was the same, every time…
So why trying to compare Brian and Billy, because in the end, I wouldn’t be able to do it and I’ll be frustrated and I’ll end up breaking up with Billy…

I sighed and rested my head on the keyboard, making a horrible sound. I got up, grabbed my bag and made my way to the bar. Hoping I could drink my sorrows away.

I sat on one of the stool, leaving my bag at my feet and ordered a beer.

I was trying to focus my attention on the music that was playing. I sighed and took a swig from the bottle. I turned my head in direction of the entrance to see the girls, followed by everyone else. I watched from afar as Billy made his way towards the lift, his hands shoved in his pockets, looking ahead of him. I felt bad for not being able to give it a try, for being a coward. I finished my beer and asked for a shot of Jack Daniels. I kept watching him, wishing I could do something, anything…

The bartender set my drink in front of me. I mumbled a ‘thank you’ before drinking the shot, wincing slightly as the alcohol burned my throat but asked for an other one, never looking away from Billy’s silhouette. He didn’t look at me until he reached the lift. Maybe he didn’t notice my stare, or maybe he didn’t want to look at me…

I was about to look away when someone stood in front of me, blocking my view. I drank my shot, asked for an other one and then looked at the person, who was someone I didn’t want to see at the moment. I looked at the lift once again.

He took a sit on the stool next to mine and asked for a beer. I finally looked away from the lift and back at my shot. I didn’t feel like talking and I really hoped he got the message. I drank my third shot and asked for the next one.

“What’s your plan tonight? Drinking until you passed out on the bar?” he asked, his eyes searching for mine.

“This is none of your business” I muttered as I extended my hand to grab the freshly filled glass. He asked for the bottle and placed it next to him, out of my reach.
I sighed.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, before downing the shot.

“I’m here to keep you company and to carry you back to your room when you won’t be able to stand up.” He said before taking a swig from his beer.

“Listen, I don’t want to be rude or anything, but I’d really much appreciate it if you would leave me alone.” I said, my gaze glued on the glass in my hand, hoping I could refilled it with just my thought. He didn’t move from his stool, he simply took an other swig.

“It was pretty damn cool what you did for those girls tonight” he said, trying to make a conversation, obviously he didn’t get the message… “Asking them to come on stage to sing with you and all…” he added, holding the bottle of JD next to my glass, silently asking me if I wanted a refill.

It was either refusing the shot and he’d take it as his cue to leave me so I’d be staying alone whole night, drinking my sorrows away or having a nice conversation about fans with Brian…

I nodded and pushed my glass towards him, watching him as he poured the alcohol in the glass.