Illinois Jones And The Holy Plumber's Helper! (Indiana Jones Parody)
Illinois Jones And The Holy Plumber's Helper!
Vocabulary Ch. 9 Short Story:
Illinois Jones and the Holy Plumber’s Helper
Once upon a time, there was a very talented and famous archaeologist named Illinois Jones. Illinois (or “Illy” as his friends sometimes called him) had tried to ask his parents about his name, but every time they would respond with something like, “Why Illy, the plot of this story requires your name to be similar to the name of a character from a series of movies about archaeology from the 1980s.” Illinois had never really understood what they had meant when they said that.
Well, Illinois may have been talented, and he may have been famous, but Illy was also bored, mainly because there just didn’t seem to be any interesting artifacts to go after. All Illinois could find was the occasional kitchen midden or ancient fossil. Illy longed for something with a theme of adventure about it, and day by day he grew more desperate to get it.
Suddenly, the phone rang. Hoping for a miracle, Illy snatched it up and found himself talking to his father.
“Hello? Junior? Boy, do I have some news for you! I’ve heard of an artifact known as the Holy Plumber’s Helper. It’s hidden in the mountain that Moses got the Ten Commandments--you know, during the Exodus, after which the Israelites broke their covenant with God, and--"
“But which mountain?” Illy asked, deliberately cutting off his history-loving father.
“Mount Sinai, you dunce! Haven’t you ever been to a synagogue?!!”
“Uh, no I haven’t, Dad. I believe in Christianity, not Judaism. And besides, I’ve heard of the Holy Plumber’s Helper, and it’s no more than a hoax.”
“Sure, many people think it’s a hoax, but no one ever proved it. Besides, I know you’re desperate for adventure.”
Illy sighed. “Well, I can see there’s no arguing with you, Dad. I’ll leave tomorrow, and bring my friend--remember Mucus Brody?-- to translate. Wish me luck!”
And with that, Illy’s quest for the Holy Plumber’s Helper began.
The very next day, Illy and Mucus set off for Saudi Arabia, Mount Sinai’s location. All the while, Mucus lectured Illinois about the legends he’d heard of the Holy Plumber’s Helper. Mucus started with Jesus’ death and Resurrection, and then told of The Last Supper, which was when the sink got clogged up so the Messiah himself used the plumber’s helper to unclog the sink so one unlucky disciple could do the dishes. He told of the period after Jesus’ crucifixion, when the disciples argued over who got to keep the plumber’s helper and God had appointed a rabbi to take the plumber’s helper and hide it in a secluded cavern in Mount Sinai, to keep the apostles from fighting.
When Mucus was done with that story, he said the parable of The Good Samaritan. Illy could deduce from Mucus’ chatter that he loved history even more than Illinois’ father. Mucus’ history lecture had been mildly interesting, since Illy couldn’t recall the story of the Holy Plumber’s Helper being so elaborate, but it became boring once Mucus got to things Illy already knew about, such as how important Judaism and Christianity were to the development of monotheism, and how the Romans took charge of the Jews and made them scatter their settlements, and that this was called the Diaspora.
After what seemed like years, the plane landed. Illy and Mucus hired some workers and began to look for secret caverns. All day they slaved, hiking all over Mount Sinai, until Mucus saw a waterfall. “Illy! Over here! Come see this!” he yelled to Illy. When Illy ran over there, he was dumbfounded. “Mucus, of course!” he said excitedly. It’s behind the waterfall! How could I be so stupid?!” Mucus was surprised, for he was just going to point out the waterfall’s beauty and move on, but Illy seemed fixed in his decision to hurl himself straight into the waterfall, so Mucus followed suit.
Mucus stumbled into the cavern, soaking wet, and asked Illy, also drenched, how he knew where the cavern was. “Oh, I’ve found a lot of secret caves in my time,” Illy replied. “If you’re looking for a secret cave and you see a waterfall, you can bet it’s behind that waterfall. Every single”- Illy stopped at this point, for this was when he noticed the beauty of the small cave around him.
There were beautiful murals all over the walls, depicting The Last Supper, the Resurrection, and other important Biblical events. There were silk rugs, and treasures of all shapes and sizes, but what caught Illy’s eye was a golden pedestal in the middle of the cave. And on this pedestal was the very thing Illy’s eyes yearned to see – you guessed it, the Holy Plumber’s Helper.
The handle was made of gold, and the end was made of rubber so shiny it hurt Illy’s eyes to look. And on the handle, this was engraved:
Do Unto Others As You Would Like Them To Do Unto You
Suddenly, a man leapt out, wielding a sword and dressed in a denim uniform that had “Bill Smith, Plumber” written on his shirt pocket. “Aye! On your guard! What brings you here to seek the Holy Plumber’s Helper?! For I will never let you take it – unless you are a plumber yourself and wish to prove yourself more worthy to have it than I am! I can see by the way you’re dressed you are not a plumber, so I suggest you leave now!”
Illy, who had been in the fetal position sucking his thumb for the whole time Bill Smith had been shouting, just notice that he was holding not a sword, but a plumber’s helper! Laughing at himself, Illy stood up and said, “Look, I’d love to prove my skills as a plumber, but I have to get back home, so…” Illy felt in his pockets for something to bribe with. All he had was a dime. “So…” Illy held up his dime, expecting to be laughed at.
“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHINY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” the plumber yelled. “Can I have it? Please? I’ll be your friend!”
Illy smiled and said, “Sure, just let me have the Holy Plumber’s Helper and I’ll leave right away, I promise.” The plumber looked confused. “Do I still get the shiny?”
“Of course, of course. Now, see you later!” Illy turned to Mucus. “Hey, can you use the word 'characterization' in a sentence?”
“Sure. Uh, t he plumber’s excitement over a dime played an important role in his characterization as a fool. Why?”
“Nothing. I just felt a sudden urge to hear the word 'characterization' in a sentence. Come along, Mucus.”
With that, Illy grabbed the plumber’s helper, said goodbye to the plumber, and headed over to the plane with Mucus.
The End
Illinois Jones and the Holy Plumber’s Helper
Once upon a time, there was a very talented and famous archaeologist named Illinois Jones. Illinois (or “Illy” as his friends sometimes called him) had tried to ask his parents about his name, but every time they would respond with something like, “Why Illy, the plot of this story requires your name to be similar to the name of a character from a series of movies about archaeology from the 1980s.” Illinois had never really understood what they had meant when they said that.
Well, Illinois may have been talented, and he may have been famous, but Illy was also bored, mainly because there just didn’t seem to be any interesting artifacts to go after. All Illinois could find was the occasional kitchen midden or ancient fossil. Illy longed for something with a theme of adventure about it, and day by day he grew more desperate to get it.
Suddenly, the phone rang. Hoping for a miracle, Illy snatched it up and found himself talking to his father.
“Hello? Junior? Boy, do I have some news for you! I’ve heard of an artifact known as the Holy Plumber’s Helper. It’s hidden in the mountain that Moses got the Ten Commandments--you know, during the Exodus, after which the Israelites broke their covenant with God, and--"
“But which mountain?” Illy asked, deliberately cutting off his history-loving father.
“Mount Sinai, you dunce! Haven’t you ever been to a synagogue?!!”
“Uh, no I haven’t, Dad. I believe in Christianity, not Judaism. And besides, I’ve heard of the Holy Plumber’s Helper, and it’s no more than a hoax.”
“Sure, many people think it’s a hoax, but no one ever proved it. Besides, I know you’re desperate for adventure.”
Illy sighed. “Well, I can see there’s no arguing with you, Dad. I’ll leave tomorrow, and bring my friend--remember Mucus Brody?-- to translate. Wish me luck!”
And with that, Illy’s quest for the Holy Plumber’s Helper began.
The very next day, Illy and Mucus set off for Saudi Arabia, Mount Sinai’s location. All the while, Mucus lectured Illinois about the legends he’d heard of the Holy Plumber’s Helper. Mucus started with Jesus’ death and Resurrection, and then told of The Last Supper, which was when the sink got clogged up so the Messiah himself used the plumber’s helper to unclog the sink so one unlucky disciple could do the dishes. He told of the period after Jesus’ crucifixion, when the disciples argued over who got to keep the plumber’s helper and God had appointed a rabbi to take the plumber’s helper and hide it in a secluded cavern in Mount Sinai, to keep the apostles from fighting.
When Mucus was done with that story, he said the parable of The Good Samaritan. Illy could deduce from Mucus’ chatter that he loved history even more than Illinois’ father. Mucus’ history lecture had been mildly interesting, since Illy couldn’t recall the story of the Holy Plumber’s Helper being so elaborate, but it became boring once Mucus got to things Illy already knew about, such as how important Judaism and Christianity were to the development of monotheism, and how the Romans took charge of the Jews and made them scatter their settlements, and that this was called the Diaspora.
After what seemed like years, the plane landed. Illy and Mucus hired some workers and began to look for secret caverns. All day they slaved, hiking all over Mount Sinai, until Mucus saw a waterfall. “Illy! Over here! Come see this!” he yelled to Illy. When Illy ran over there, he was dumbfounded. “Mucus, of course!” he said excitedly. It’s behind the waterfall! How could I be so stupid?!” Mucus was surprised, for he was just going to point out the waterfall’s beauty and move on, but Illy seemed fixed in his decision to hurl himself straight into the waterfall, so Mucus followed suit.
Mucus stumbled into the cavern, soaking wet, and asked Illy, also drenched, how he knew where the cavern was. “Oh, I’ve found a lot of secret caves in my time,” Illy replied. “If you’re looking for a secret cave and you see a waterfall, you can bet it’s behind that waterfall. Every single”- Illy stopped at this point, for this was when he noticed the beauty of the small cave around him.
There were beautiful murals all over the walls, depicting The Last Supper, the Resurrection, and other important Biblical events. There were silk rugs, and treasures of all shapes and sizes, but what caught Illy’s eye was a golden pedestal in the middle of the cave. And on this pedestal was the very thing Illy’s eyes yearned to see – you guessed it, the Holy Plumber’s Helper.
The handle was made of gold, and the end was made of rubber so shiny it hurt Illy’s eyes to look. And on the handle, this was engraved:
Do Unto Others As You Would Like Them To Do Unto You
Suddenly, a man leapt out, wielding a sword and dressed in a denim uniform that had “Bill Smith, Plumber” written on his shirt pocket. “Aye! On your guard! What brings you here to seek the Holy Plumber’s Helper?! For I will never let you take it – unless you are a plumber yourself and wish to prove yourself more worthy to have it than I am! I can see by the way you’re dressed you are not a plumber, so I suggest you leave now!”
Illy, who had been in the fetal position sucking his thumb for the whole time Bill Smith had been shouting, just notice that he was holding not a sword, but a plumber’s helper! Laughing at himself, Illy stood up and said, “Look, I’d love to prove my skills as a plumber, but I have to get back home, so…” Illy felt in his pockets for something to bribe with. All he had was a dime. “So…” Illy held up his dime, expecting to be laughed at.
“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHINY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” the plumber yelled. “Can I have it? Please? I’ll be your friend!”
Illy smiled and said, “Sure, just let me have the Holy Plumber’s Helper and I’ll leave right away, I promise.” The plumber looked confused. “Do I still get the shiny?”
“Of course, of course. Now, see you later!” Illy turned to Mucus. “Hey, can you use the word 'characterization' in a sentence?”
“Sure. Uh, t he plumber’s excitement over a dime played an important role in his characterization as a fool. Why?”
“Nothing. I just felt a sudden urge to hear the word 'characterization' in a sentence. Come along, Mucus.”
With that, Illy grabbed the plumber’s helper, said goodbye to the plumber, and headed over to the plane with Mucus.
The End