A Simple Solution

It is a sad sight when one witnesses marriages or relationships end because of adulterous practices. Statistics show that 25% of men have cheated on their partner, and only 35% of couples survive through an affair. It is a shame that unions with such potential are crushed because of disloyalty, and it is a very depressing sight to see a woman affected by this, especially those who are emotionally sensitive. Of course no one ever wants to be the victim of this problem, which is why a solution has finally been reached.

The sad part about it all is that men who happen to cheat once can or will cheat again, thus hurting more women in the process. To stop this growing epidemic, several solutions and practices will be available at women’s disposal. For every type of immoral partner, there will be a specific facility and punishment.

For a first time or a level one cheater, the following practice shall be performed on them. While the adulterer is bound up in a straitjacket and tied to a chair, a mixture of clam chowder and cat vomit shall be flung at their faces by their former partner. Then, their eyelids shall be taped open with extra strength duct tape, and then dipped into a bucket of lemon juice for as long as the partner desires. A strong man who can deal with the painful screams that will follow will hold the man’s head down, so there is no hope of escaping.

Hopefully, this shall be enough to deter them from committing any more illicit acts. Of course, there are those men who are daring and take it a step further. For level two offenders who either have had more than ten additional flings without knowledge or consent from their partner, or for men who have had a long term relationship with two people at the same time, this following practice shall be used. They will be taken to a facility - with their former partner, of course - and Vaseline will be rubbed over ever last nook and cranny on their skin. Their clothes shall be stripped off and they shall be tied up in the style of the strappado torture. An expert swordsman will give him 100 slashes all over their body. The placement of the cuts will be decided by the partner, and they will be deep enough to sting, yet not enough to kill. After this timely process has been performed, the women will have the honor of lowering him into a vat of lemon juice and then, rubbing salt all over him when he resurfaces.

These systems should be enough to stop men and their cheating ways. The purposes of these procedures is to scare them into goodness. However, for those offenders who are worse than the level two cheaters, who seemingly cannot stop their urges, who are modern day Casanovas, there will actually be one of two things for their fate. They will be taken to a facility where they could either choose receive a self imposed castration, or choose to have a cannonball shot at their groin. For the cannonball option, they will be chained to the wall with extra strength reinforced shackles, so movement is absolutely prohibited. As for the cannonball, the size will be just big enough and the velocity just fast enough to cause sufficient and excruciating pain to the man, but not large or quick enough to kill him. This scenario is effective at stopping those constantly intent on cheating, because then, after this has been done, they could live with damaged parts, or no parts. Either way, something is wrong. Hospitals all over the world will be notified as to not give this man surgery.

For those level three men who are so terrible that this practice is not enough to teach them a lesson, or for those men who do not have a soul, this final, significant custom - which should probably only be used every 50 years - can be used. They shall be taken to a facility to be stripped down and impaled on a giant stick in the right place where it hurts so very bad, yet does not kill them. They will be left there for three days, and all the women that the man has cheated on will be there to watch the final task. The most recent victim of this man will have the honor and the opportunity to rip his heart out in whatever way she desires. Seeing as this man has metaphorically ripped the hearts out of all the said women, his shall be removed also. It is only a pity he has one heart.

While any of the above practices are taking place, video cameras will be recording and capturing all the action, and men all over the world will be forced to watch at least one torture process live, as the video footage will be streamed through all types of electronic media and interfering signals so that it will be everywhere. Hopefully this will be enough to scare men into fidelity with their partner, and if all else fails, their head will be sliced off with a samurai sword.