Long Rides

I hadn’t been talking to Caleb since our fight 3 days ago. Alex and I had been good though. I couldn’t avoid him. I wouldn’t dare to hurt his feelings, although he always looks into me with sympathy in his eyes.

Stopped talking with Caleb is a pain – it felt like something’s missing. Like a part of my life was gone. An important one.

I was afraid to start a conversation with him. Every time we look at each other, either he looks away right away or glares at me before looking away. It’s like he’s going to kill me… well not exactly kill, but something near that word. Maybe something like shoving down a spork down my throat…?

But at least I know the reason why we’re not talking… right?

* * *

I was having weird nightmares these days. It was like someone prank called me – my sidekick rang and I didn’t know the number, and when I answered it, weird voices were in the other line and then it hung up. Strangely, I always awake in sweat and breathless even though it’s -4 degrees. Not exactly -4 degrees, I’m just over exaggerating.

But the same dream showed up every time I went to sleep and the same thing happened when I was awake. Every time since the fight.

I don’t know why I had a really, really bad feeling about the dream.

Alex and I went out for lunch in Burger King today. He offered me, and I couldn’t refuse, so I accepted.

I stared as Alex opened the wrapper of his burger and took the first chunk. I wasn’t really hungry, so I only ordered an iced lemon tea. But me being polite accepted his offer although I wasn’t hungry.

“Are you sure you’re not hungry?” he asked for the fifth time.

I shook my head and smiled a little. The expression was worn off a second later and I stared blankly into nothing as I stirred my drink while nothing was needed to be stirred.

Alex then placed his burger on the table.

“You’re like a zombie, you know?” he said, snapping me out of my mind. “It’s like you’ve lost your life but you’re still alive. You’re doing everything without expression. It worries us a lot.”

“Us?”

“Err, yeah.” He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. “The others told me to talk to you about this, that’s why I offered you to go out to lunch with me.”

I chewed my lip as I looked down to the table. I didn’t realize a tear went down across my cheek until he leaned across the table to wipe it with his thumb.

“Stop being so nice to me,” I choked out.

“I can’t. I must.”

“Stop, Alex. I’ve hurt you so much… I don’t deserve this from you.”

“Hey,” he whispered, lifting up my chin with his thumb. “I don’t care. I don’t care if you got me fucked up. I don’t care if you don’t care with anything. Nothing matters, as long as I have you right in my mind.” He paused. “And heart.”

“Alex, I don’t deserve this. You need someone much better than me.”

“You’re exactly what I needed. What I wanted.”

I shook my head. “No the hell you don’t.”

“Explain to me why.”

“I didn’t realize I had been playing with you and Caleb, which explains that I’m a whore. I’m a selfish, ugly slut. And before this, I was completely trying to ignore you—“

“I’ve told you I don’t care.”

“—And you don’t know anything about my past.”

I had been looking down to my lap all the time, so I looked up to see his eyes.

“You don’t know how horrible I was,” I whispered, tears threatening to fall.

He didn’t say anything. He then stood up after staring at me for a long time. I thought he was going to leave me, but I was wrong.

“Let’s go,” he said.

“Your burger?”

“I’m not hungry anymore.”

With that, I stood up and we left the restaurant. He had his arm around my shoulders comfortingly.

I thought he was angry, but his eyes were so warm when they were looking into mine.

His voice was so soft when it was speaking to me.

He never tried to hurt me; in fact, he was always trying to protect me.

Why I didn’t noticed that he was better than Caleb?