Battling the Loss You Live For.

Frank’s Point of View
She didn’t seem to notice me. So I walked quietly over to the bed she lay on. She was so still. Sleeping, maybe? The cigarette nestled in her fingers was burning down, nearly going to burn her fingers. I took it from her carefully, not caring when the hot tip burnt my fingers. She looked so peaceful. I carefully lay on my side next to her, watching over her. She was definitely asleep. I touched her hair, smoothing strands from her forehead. She started to stir, and I froze. She’d probably bite my fingers off or something - she’s really feisty when she wants to be. Her eyes fluttered open, and she sniffed, blinking.
“…Frank?” she said, turning her head slightly to look at me. I smiled weakly.
“Yeah, babe?”
“Sorry,” she whispered, her eyes slightly teary and apologetic.
It broke me.
I lay down properly next to her, scooping her into my arms so she lay on me.
“It’s my fault. I’m sorry,” I mumbled, my eyes getting all watery. What a time to be a pansy. She kissed me on my collarbone, her hands placed on either side of my neck.
“It’s not. I didn’t have to be such a whore about it. I love you, Frankie,” she stated, nestling her head in the crook of my neck. I pulled her closer to me, wrapping my arms tighter around me. I was so comfortable.
“I love you too, Sazzy. What time is it?”” I asked. I only just realised how ridiculously tired I was.
“Three-thirty… do you want to sleep?” she asked, lifting her head from its position, looking at my face.
“Mmm.”
“Okay. Sleep then. But you have to tell me everything that’s going on, because I’m fucking confused about everything,” she said, and kissed me quickly before she lay back down. I tried mumbling something, but found myself drifting off into the most peaceful sleep I’ve had in months.

I was shaken awake, softly.
“No…” I started, but got cut off with someone’s lips against mine.
Sazzy…
I thought, remembering everything that had happened.
Fucking hell, eventful last couple of days!
I didn’t care; I finally had the one person I’m living for with me. I kissed her back, and she pulled away after a while.
“Frank…” she mumbled, stroking my hair. I moaned, abandoning the task of opening my eyes. I heard her giggle, but she carried on playing with my hair. After a while, I opened my eyes, finding everything dark. The lights were switched off, and the curtains drawn.
“It’s five. I was going to ask if you wanted to eat,” she said, removing her hands from my hair and wrapping her arms around me, resting her head against her chest.
“Yeah, alright,” I said, kissing the top of her head. She climbed off of me, straightening her top. She was still dressed in the same attire – sweats and a plain white tee. I loved it, even though it was so simple. Just the way she looked – in barely any make-up, her hair all wild and knotty.
I’d realised it was her natural. She usually got a soft perm every other month, so her hair would be in loose curls. She disliked her natural, dead straight hair. Another thing I’d noticed is that she didn’t touch up her blue streaks. She was usually quite touchy with her hair, and made sure it was always presentable, to her standards. She did a NVQ in hairdressing, for gods’ sakes. I was pretty much in awe when I realised.
“Err… Frank? Are you alright, babe…?” she said, a confused yet amused look on her face.
“Huh? Yeah. Why?” I asked, matching her previous expression. She just looked hugely amused now.
“You were just looking at me. I think you blanked out. Are you feeling alright?” she said, smiling. I nodded.
“Yeah… I was just thinking… let’s go,” I replied, standing up and taking her fragile-looking hand, leading her downstairs.

Everyone downstairs acted weird. They wore huge grins, but acting like nothing out of the ordinary had happened – like I’d lived here with them all this time. That Sazzy wasn’t broken. That I wasn’t broken. It was weird, but easy to endure. Sazzy rolled her eyes, seeing everyone’s stretched smiles, as we sat down at the table and ate the lasagne that Katie and Sydney had cooked. I was just glad Charley hadn’t been near my food.
Charley and me started clearing away the plates after everyone had finished, and Katie’s eyes glimmered.
“So… have you two… talked about stuff?” Sazzy groaned at Katie’s forwardness, and I chuckled.
“We made it through the whole of dinner without someone bringing up their relationship shit, Katie, you dumbass,” Sydney said, rolling her eyes, despite the small smile gracing her lips. Katie smirked.
“Fuck it. It was going to come up anyways,” she said, flipping her long brown hair behind her shoulder. I placed the last plate in the sink, making a clatter. Charley was leant against the back door, pulling out a pack of Marlboro Reds swiftly from his pocket. Sazzy’s arms were crossed against her chest, her bottom lip jutting out slightly in a pout, her eyes distant.
What is she thinking…?
Charley offered me a cigarette, and I took it, lighting it against his. He did the same for Sazzy. Katie left the kitchen, her nose wrinkled slightly, most likely in disgust. She was the one who kinda minded the cigarettes, but said nothing because practically all of us smoked. Sydney rolled her eyes, walking over to the fridge and pulling out a can of Sprite, sitting back at the empty table, the ashtray used as a centre-piece. How fucked up is that?
I let my eyes wander over to Sazzy. She was different from when I last saw her – full of what seemed like secrets, more locked up than she was. I found it frustrating. We always told each other everything, and now everything seemed different.
I hated all of this.
Having said that, I hated myself. I knew I had forced her into this, not giving her a choice. She wanted to stay in New Jersey with me, but I told her she had her life here… which was true.
I’m going in circles again.
God, what she does to me…