Battling the Loss You Live For.

“Sazzy!”
I turned my head, seeing Josh, Sydney and Charley sat at a table, Charley waving me over.
“How was Literature?” Josh asked, smiling at me lopsidedly. I grinned back; I hadn’t seen him for a while.
“It was alright. Where have you been?! I’ve missed your goofiness,” I said, taking a sip from the coke in my hand.
“Ah, you know. I had the flu and all,” he replied, shrugging. I nodded, not saying anything.
“…How are you?” he whispered knowingly, glancing at Charley and Sydney who were immersed in conversation. I shrugged.
“I’ve been better.”
“So I’ve heard. I’m glad you’re… okay now,” he said, smiling at me a little, taking my coke off me, sipping at it.
“No way, you fool! Pier donuts!” Sydney cried a look of horror etched on her face, hitting Charley lightly on the arm.
“Are you absolutely crazy?!” Charley replied, shocked.
“…What are you guys on about?” I asked, confused.
“Charley thinks that jam donuts are better than the ones from the Pier!” Syd cried, like her life depended on it. I giggled, Josh chuckling at their immaturity.
“I have to say, Pier donuts all the way,” I said, nodding confidently. Syd grinned, giving me a high-five. Josh nodded in agreement, Charley scowling at us.
“You lot are fucked. Where’s Katie? She’d agree with me!”
“…She would?” I asked, not really certain.
“She’s a jam fiend,” Josh added, still hogging my coke. I snatched it off him, gulping it down before he had the chance.

When I got home, I dumped all my stuff on my bed and brushed the knots out of my hair before trudging down the stairs. Katie had just left – her French class started at 12:30pm, and I just had Literature at 10:00am, having just arrived back home.
I was home alone. This seemed to happen quite a lot these days…
I found a bottle of vodka in the cupboard, pulling it out and grabbing a half-full bottle of lemonade from the fridge, filling the lemonade up with the vodka, finishing it.
I didn’t bother getting a glass, knowing that Katie wasn’t going to be back until around 4, Charley and Sydney at about 8-ish; I was free to get drunk.

“H-hello?” I mumbled into my phone, not bothering to check the caller ID. I wish I did.
“Sazzy…?”
“Frank?!” I cried, hiccupping a little after.
“A-are you alright…? You sound… a little strange,” he said, the confusion and worry clear in his voice.
I was drunk, but not as much as my birthday.
“I’m fine. How are you, baby?” I cooed sweetly, a grin on my face. He didn’t answer for a while.
Then suddenly;
“Are you drunk?!”
“Um-”
“Sazzy… what the hell is going on?” he sounded a little angry, actually. It was intimidating.
“I- I just…”
“Listen. You’re not like this. So just stop it, okay? You… you’re falling apart. Please, we only have a year left, and everything else will be okay then, alright?” he was softer, sympathetic, and it was crushing. It was like he was fed up, fed up of us.
“How would you feel if you lost everything?”
I don’t know where it came from. It just spilled out of my mouth, and I wished I was somewhat in my senses, cursing the drink.
“W-what? What do you mean?” he was… upset?
“How would you feel if you had nothing?”
“I… what- what is this… coming from?” he asked, down to a whisper now.
“I have nothing. I’ve lost my mother, never had a proper father, I’ve lost my sisters… Zahra’s not talking to me. Shine and Ani have their own shit going on… and I feel like I’m loosing you.”
Tears slid down my cheeks heavily, a lump irritating my throat.
“Sazzy… please… everything will get better. I promise,” he said, obviously crushed.
“Yeah, they will. But only because they can’t get worse!” I cried, letting out a sob, tears dripping thick and fast down my face.
“I love you. Isn’t that enough?” he asked, his voice thick, heavy. He was crying, too.
“Of course it is… but not when your t-there.”
“What? W-what are you saying?”
“I want you back… now.”