Battling the Loss You Live For.

“W-what?” he stammered, shocked and surprised. I’ve never asked him to come home.
“I-I’m sorry. Don’t come back… I didn’t… mean it,” I said, covering up my bumpy tracks.
Reality had kind of hit me. I lived a year without him. I could carry on until the end of college, at least. …Right?
“You know that I’ll… come. I will. Just say it and I’ll be on the next plane. I promise you,” he whispered. It felt like he was here, when he said that. Right next to me, like he always was.
“No, Frank. You’re right… I don’t know what I was thinking… I… Just ignore that, okay?” I pleaded, my eyes squeezing shut. I could see him nod, unwillingly.
“For you.”
I lit up a cigarette, curling up on a corner of the sofa.
“I love you.”
“And I love you, too. Hey, I better go, babe. It’s like… 9:00pm… Shit! The guys will be here in a minute,” he said, and I could imagine him wiping his cheeks, ridding himself of his tears.
“Alright… I’ll talk to you later?” I said, wiping under my eyes, and checking the time. 3:00pm.
“Yeah… take care, babe. I miss you.”
“I miss you, too, more than anything.”

“Sazzy? Are you here…?” I heard Katie call from downstairs an hour and a half later. I poked my head out of my bedroom door, calling back to her.
“Yeah, up here.”
It didn’t sound like she was alone… probably Josh.
“Hey, Massacre!” my guess was right.
“Josher!” I called back, grinning. I swear you could feel that kid grin from the other side of the country. It was so nice, because it made you smile. I retreated back to my room, reading over a Literature essay that I’d done yesterday.
“Sazzy!” Katie cried from downstairs, sounding pretty angry.
“Uh… yeah?” I replied a little confused. Why was she pissed?
“Come. Here!”
I walked out of my room, shutting it behind me before I trailed down the steps, thinking of what I could have possibly done to piss off Katie.
“Err… yeah?” I said, walking into the kitchen. Katie was lent across the counter, her arms crossed and her expression sour. Her golden eyes were darkened, showing anger, and her long, brown hair was flipped over one shoulder, out of her way.
Josh was sat on the table, his legs crossed underneath him and a can of diet coke in his hand, and he kind of looked put out, upset, possibly.
“Where’s the vodka?”
Fuck, I thought, trying to figure out how she knew.
“The bottle was in the bin,” Josh explained, his face almost expressionless. I didn’t reply.
“What the fuck, Sazzy? You’re drunk, all the time!” Katie cried, her eyes narrowed at me, fierce.
“No I am not! I’m not drunk right now!” I shot back lamely, my hands on my hips.
“Surprisingly,” Katie muttered darkly.
“Look. When we moved in here, we promised Frank that we’d take care of you, that we’d make sure you didn’t do anything stupid. I am not, and do not want to break that promise, Sazzy. Neither of us does,” Katie explained, the harsh edge still present in her tone.
“I’m not doing anything stupid. I was just having a drink, is all. Just… leave me alone,” I mumbled, before swiftly walking out of the kitchen, back up to my bedroom.

“Hey, Massacre. It’s me. Let me in?”
I scowled at the door, getting up from my bed and unlocking it, letting Josh in.
“What? Come to psycho-analyse me?” I grumbled, narrowing my eyes at him.
“No, of course not… I just… wanted to see if you were okay,” he said, walking in and shutting the door behind him, sitting cross-legged on my bed next to me. I was lying down, smoking a cigarette, the ashtray balanced on my stomach.
“I’m fine.”
“Yeah, course you are,” he said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.
“…We all really worried about you. Even Frank,” he whispered, breaking the short silence that had held us.
“Don’t gimme that shit, Joshua.”
“It’s true. Can’t you see? You don’t eat properly, so the alcohol goes straight to your head. And the alcohol… it’s just too much. It’s shattering, it’s like watching you die slowly,” he explained, pulling my chin towards him, so our eyes met. I turned back, watching the ceiling, hearing him sigh.
“Please, just lay off it… just for a while?”
I thought about it. I suppose I had been drinking a lot recently, I hardly noticed it.
“Yeah… alright.”