Battling the Loss You Live For.

“…What were you thinking?” I asked, breaking the long silence. We were still sitting out in the garden, lying on our backs under the shade of the only tree.
“When?” she said, her eyes still closed with that happy, blissful look on her face.
“When you saw it was positive,” I said, turning my head to face her properly, pulling off my shades. She hesitated, opening her eyes, and turning to face me.
“It’s going to sound really stupid…” she said nervously, picking at the grass between us. I took her hand, twisting my fingers around hers.
“It won’t.”
“Well… I just thought… that we – they - won’t know what they’re going to be,” she said, her free hand touching her stomach unconsciously.
“What do you mean? Like whether it’s a boy or girl?” I asked my eyebrows furrowed slightly in confusion.
“No… like… where they’re from. It’s going to be quarter Italian, quarter American. But what’s the other half? The half that should be from me…” she whispered, her eyes drooping, avoiding eye-contact.
“Sazzy… that doesn’t matter,” I said, titling her chin up with a finger, “all that matters is that it’s happy, and healthy.”
“I know… it’s just that… it’s going to want to know, and I don’t have the answers,” she said, sighing slightly, her eyes looking pained and upset. I leaned forward, placing my lips against hers softly, stroking her hair.
“We’ll tell them all we know. It’ll be fine,” I whispered to her, our noses brushing together lightly. She nodded slightly, a small smile gracing her lips.
“I love you,” she mumbled, pecking my lips once.
“I love you too.” I tucked a loose strand of her hair away, my fingers tracing her jaw-line.
“Sazzy… I want you to know that… I’ll do anything for you. Anything and everything,” I placed a hand on her stomach, my eyes locked on hers. “I’ll do anything. If you want me to drop out of Rutgers, to help-”
“What?!” she whispered, an edge to her voice.
“Frank, don’t you dare drop out, I can-”
“Babe, I will. I’d do anything; all you have to do is say it.”
She looked at me, bewildered. Her mouth opened slightly, about to say something, before she closed it, hesitating.
“…You’d do… anything? Frank… I-” she stopped herself, studying me.
“You’d do anything for me?”
“Yes.”
She slammed her lips against mine, her arm winding around my neck, her hand on my cheek. I licked at her lips hungrily, rolling her softly onto her back, wary of her stomach. She opened her mouth obediently, her tongue finding my own quickly as they pushed against each other, our breathing ragged. My hands raced up to her hair, the other wound loosely around her waist. Her fingers scrunched at the tips of my hair, at the base of my neck, making me moan out loud against her lips.
“Frank, Sazzy!”
I ignored the call, deepening the kiss more.
“Where are you two?”
Sazzy pushed against my chest lightly, her hand pushing at my shoulder. She broke away, our breathing hitched and heavy. I rolled onto my side, bringing her with me and holding her to me tight.
“There you are!” Mom said, sitting down cross-legged by our heads.
“I’ve been calling for ages! Couldn’t you hear me?” she asked, playing mindlessly with my hair.
“No…” I lied, running my fingers through Sazzy’s hair, to rid it of bits of grass.
“Well, come on. Dinner’s ready, and your father is dribbling over it,” Mom said, rolling her eyes, smiling.
“How are you feeling, Sazzy?”
“I’m alright. I can smell stuff from a mile off, though… is that normal?” she said, her eyebrows knitted together. Mom nodded, picking out a strand of grass from Sazzy’s hair.
“Yeah… I remember when I was pregnant with Frank, I could smell everything. You tend to pick out the smells that are most appealing to you. I picked out Cheetos, for instance. I pigged out on them all the time,” she explained, messing with the grass. “Anyways… what do you smell?”
“…Bakeries… cake. I think someone’s baking in the house opposite, though,” she said, rolling onto her back and pointing towards the house.
“Hmm. Well, anyways, come on, dinner’s ready. That is if your father hasn’t eaten it all.”

“Mom, I was wondering… what’s going to happen, with… the flights and stuff?” I asked, pushing the pasta around on my plate. She looked up at me, a quizzical look on her face.
“What about it?”
“You know… the pregnancy,” I said, shrugging slightly.
“Oh, yeah… you have a point. I think it’ll be fine, just as long as everything goes smoothly and you’re careful,” Mom said, smiling and nodding.
“See a doctor, maybe?” I suggested, looking over at Sazzy. She nodded, finishing her pasta.
“Yeah, I’ll make an appointment tomorrow,” she said, picking up her plate and taking it to the sink.

“You’re pregnant?!” Sazzy’s doctor asked, shocked as hell. She looked really nervous.
“Yeah… but don’t freak out. And don’t tell my Mum, I-”
“Yes, yes, of course. You’re not talking anymore, I hear?” Dr. Allan asked. He knew Sazzy’s… ‘Family’ for years now, and was the doctor of the whole family. He was good, and really funny. He’d do whatever you asked him too, as well. Sazzy told me that Zahra, her sister had just asked for a sick note so she could get a medical absence off from work, not even giving a reason. He just looked at her, shrugged, and wrote one out for her.
“Okay… so let me get this straight. You’re not talking to your Mother, you’re going to move away to New Jersey, USA in about two weeks, and you’re pregnant?” Dr. Allan asked, rubbing his forehead.
“…Yeah. Exactly,” Sazzy said, a small smile creeping up on her face. He sighed, his eyes closing.
“Are you sure you want to do this? I know it’s not my place to say, but-”
“No, it’s fine. I know what I’m doing. I love Frank, and I-”
“No, no. I understand you love Frank. God, that’s not what I’m worried about at all. It’s your Mother I’m worried about,” Allan said, looking over at her sternly, but not in a harsh way, more like a worried way.
“…I know. I know,” Sazzy said, looking deep into his eyes. He held her gaze, confused.
“You know… what?”
“I’m not hers. I’m adopted,” Sazzy said, her eyes not giving away any sorrow.
“Oh… I’m sorry.”
“It’s alright. I knew you must know,” Sazzy said, sighing and breaking their stare.
“Yes… of course. I always encouraged your Mother to tell you, but she… she clung to you, when she shouldn’t. It was unhealthy, clinging to a daughter she never had. You were never hers, and never will be. Her daughter was dead… she always had the hope that you were not switched, that you were really hers… despite the blood tests I had run,” he sighed, shaking his head, “it’s pitiful.”
“Anyways,” Allan said, breaking the short silence he had created.
“I’m happy for you, that you’re doing this. You look much happier,” he said, smiling at us.
“Yeah, I am. Everything is going smoothly, for once,” Sazzy said, grinning.
“Right… flying in your situation… It should be fine. Though, I will need to run a few tests just to see how far along you are, and you may need some immunisations for when you leave. I believe you suffer from severe migraines at times?” he asked, checking Sazzy’s records.
“Yes. But I don’t know what to do about that, should I still take the tablets I have, even though I’m pregnant?” she asked, her brow creased. Dr. Allan nodded.
“Yes, they are harmless to you. I’ll give you a supply of five boxes, so you can take them with you. Your records state that you’re covered for the immunisations… you went before a few years ago… right, all that leaves us are the tests.”

The tests only lasted about half an hour. I wasn’t going to go into the nurse’s office, it freaked me out. So I sat outside it on one of those uncomfortable, scratchy-type plastic chairs.
Sazzy came out, looking slightly flustered with a grin plastered on her face. I stood up, taking her hand.
“What?” I asked, a smile tugging at the corners of my lips. She looked adorable.
“I’m almost three weeks along. When we leave for Jersey, I’ll be just over a month,” she said, clearly excited. I grinned, kissing her quickly on the lips. Her smile grew wider, her other hand lacing with mine, so both our hands were interlocked.
“This is so cool,” I said, my smile never faltering.
“I know! It’s kind of scary, though… but I know we can do this, because I’m with you.”