Battling the Loss You Live For.

Monday, 28th August, 2000.
We took our time picking the flat. There were six to choose from in total; two three-bedroom flats, one two-bedroom bungalow, one three-bedroom bungalow and two two-bedroom flats. Sazzy thought that the three-bedroom ones were more practical, she’d said that I’d need the room for my College stuff, and that I could turn it into a study. I said that it wouldn’t happen – I’d try, but it’ll just end up being a crap room, but she insisted, so that ruled out two.
Sazzy was ten weeks pregnant now, and she’s beginning to show, too, with her delight - it kind of made it real for her, and me, too. It was so… weird, but amazing at the same time. It was like… she was carrying our baby. It made me speechless. And what more, we have the very first ultrasound today. I was so excited.
“Frank, hurry the fuck up! We’re going to be late!” Sazzy yelled from downstairs, frustrated. I sighed. The hormones had really kicked in recently, and she would get upset, pissed off, excited or happy in the blink of an eye. It was kind of freaky, but I was kind of expecting it, really.

“Right, Sazzy… you’re about ten weeks now. How are you feeling?” Dr. Hills asked as she put on blue rubber gloves. Sazzy lay on one of those weird bed-chair things, and I sat on a plastic chair next to her, her hand interlocked loosely with mine.
“I’m okay. I get quite tired easily, and just eat a lot… and I get hormonal and stuff…” she answered, trailing off. The doctor laughed quietly, in a friendly way.
“I would imagine so. Do you still feel nausea, morning sickness?”
“Yeah, though, it’s not just in the mornings,” Sazzy explained, and the doctor frowned a little.
“Well, that’s not common, but it’s not unusual. A few women do experience that, but after three months the nausea will most likely wear off.”
She picked up a white tube off a table in the corner, flicking open the blue lid.
“Now, could you lift up your t-shirt, and tuck your jeans under your bump… that’s right,” Dr. Hills said, as Sazzy did as she was instructed. She handed her some blue paper towels, asking her to tuck them in so her pants wouldn’t get the gel over them. I helped her, sitting back down as the doctor squeezed a small blob of the clear liquid onto her stomach, Sazzy jumping slightly.
“That’s cold!” she said, shocked, as the doctor chuckled, picking up a weird, ball-like thing, which kind of looked like one of those chunky women cordless shavers. She placed it against her stomach, rolling it around her abdomen, spreading the gel. Our eyes averted to the screen in front of us, the black occasionally being broken by a few lines of grey and white streaking across, until it stopped, and the doctor squinted, leaning towards the screen. She rolled the shaver-thing further down a little, then to the side, squinting harder. Sazzy squeezed my hand, and I squeezed back, adrenaline rushing through my blood.
“Oh…” Dr. Hills mumbled her forehead creasing.
“Is everything alright?” Sazzy asked with an edge of desperation in her tone.
“Everything is fine… more than fine, actually. I did think you were slightly bigger than expected…” the doctor mumbled, mostly to herself.
“Do… twins run in your family, Sazzy? Frank?” she said, a small smile etched on her face. I felt my eyes grow wide, and felt Sazzy’s grip slacken, her face draining of colour.
“My Dad… he’s a twin.”
Sazzy’s head snapped to me, her mouth slightly open.
“W-What…? He is?” she asked quietly, her eyes narrowed in confusion.
“Yeah, Uncle Joe…” I mumbled, shocked.
“Sazzy?” Dr. Hills said, Sazzy looking over at her. “Do you have any twins in your family?”
“I don’t know… I’m adopted,” she said, a look of disbelief plastered over her face.
“Well, that’s alright,” the doctor smiled, her head turning back to the monitor.
“So… we’re having… twins?” I asked, feeling Sazzy grip my hand tighter.
“I’m just double checking…” she said, rolling the equipment over Sazzy’s stomach again. She stopped after a while, looking back at us then the screen, before flicking a switch at a unit near the monitor, which was attached to the equipment in her hand. A loud, thumping heartbeat sound filled the dark room, Sazzy’s eyes softening as my heart raced, lodging itself in my throat.
“This is your children’s heartbeat,” the doctor stated softly, smiling at us both.
I was amazed. The soft double-thumping confirmed everything, and it felt like… like nothing mattered anymore. It was just me, Sazzy, and our babies… babies. I couldn’t believe… we were having twins, that we wouldn’t have just one, but two. I listened harder, trying to pick up the second heartbeat, but then realised that the soft after-pound was the second heartbeat. It sounded like… it was indescribable.
“Can you see… here?” the doctor asked, pointing to a small, curvy shape on the monitor. I nodded, a small smile creeping up onto my lips.
“Yeah…” I murmured, as Sazzy squinted at the screen.
“Where?” she asked, leaning forward to see it. Dr. Hills pointed to it again, outlining the shape with her finger.
“Oh!” Sazzy said, realising, “That… that’s our baby?”
“Yes. And can you see this?” Dr. Hills said, pointing next to the shape, to a similar one.
“That’s our twins!” I said, grinning widely. Sazzy leant forward, gasping slightly, and I squeezed her hand, kissing it.
“I’ll leave you two alone for a minute,” the doctor said softly, and she walked out, closing the door quietly behind her.
“Sazzy…” I whispered, squeezing her hand again. She turned to me; her lips stretched wide, her eyes sparkling.
“Two babies! Our babies!” she said, excitement lacing her tone. I laughed, joyful, and lent over to her, placing my lips against hers.
“I guess we’d have to get the three-bedroom flat, then,” I whispered against her mouth, feeling her smile.
“Prick.”
I grinned, licking her lips as she opened them obediently, letting me in. She pulled away, her free hand stroking my face.
“I freaking love you,” she said, her smile still wide.
“And I love you, too,” I replied, smoothing back her hair. “Thank you.”
“For what?” she asked, her brow creased in question.
“For… this, carrying my children… that’s the most… I mean, you could’ve aborted them, but you didn’t… and I… well, I love you, and I’m so happy, and I just-”
“Frank, you goon, I love you. I would never, ever, even think about aborting our children, I love you so much… I would… just no. Don’t even talk about it, it’s not even funny. Even if we have twenty kids and you knock me up again with quadruplets, I wouldn’t abort them.”
“Alright, but I don’t want to be a hillbilly,” I said, laughing.
“Well, don’t knock me up twenty times.”
She is so amazing.