Battling the Loss You Live For.

“So do you wanna find out the genders?” Sazzy asked from the passenger seat, sipping from her bottle of water. I honestly didn’t know.
“I… don’t know. Do you?”
“Neither do I. Well… I dunno, y’know, because for names… it’s twins, so we don’t know whether to have two girls names or two boys, or one girls name or one boys name…” she babbled, her movements animated. I couldn’t help but laugh.
“What?” she asked a small smile on her face.
“You look so funny when you wave your hands all like that,” I explained, keeping my eyes on the road. She scowled playfully, squeezing my hand which rested on the gear-stick.
“So finding out or not?” I asked, as she shuffled.
“You decide. I don’t know!” she mumbled, pushing her long, dark hair out of her face. It was really long now, actually, it would get to her soon waist if she let it grow.
“Well, me neither! Well… I kinda want to know, now,” I said, shaking my head slightly, a small smile on my face. She laughed.
“Okay, so we’re going to find out. Okay. This is so weird,” she said, her voice higher than usual and full of excitement. I laughed at her again, receiving a slap on the arm.

“What happened at the clinic?” Mom asked, excited and jumpy as she let herself into the house, Dad following. Sazzy grinned, a hand placed protectively on her bump as we watched Friends.
“They’re both good and healthy,” I said, my mouth twitching as they both sat with us, Dad turning the volume down as the commercials came on.
“…And? Did you find out the genders?” he asked, rubbing Sazzy’s stomach. She nodded, the grin still stretched across her face.
“A boy and a girl!” she said her voice high and excited.
“Oh, that’s so great, one of each!” Mom cried, as they both crushed us into hugs.
“Have you thought of names yet?” Dad asked, as we all settled, watching Friends again.
“Yeah, actually… Sazzy thought of Marilyn, because of… well, she was meant to be called Marilyn… her real parents-”
“Okay, Frank,” Mom said, sighing. Sazzy shuffled, her face contorted into a slight frown.
“Are you alright, hon?” Mom asked, a hand lying casually on her forearm.
“Oh my God…” she mumbled, and I squeezed at her hand.
“What’s up? Are they moving?” I asked, seeing her hand feel at her swollen stomach. She pulled my hand under hers, grabbing Dad’s then Mom’s, too, four hands resting there.
“I don’t feel any-”
Dad stopped as soon as we felt the weird, unfamiliar vibration sensation of the babies kicking and squirming around.
“They’re kicking!” Mom cried, thrilled.
“Yeah, fucking hard,” Sazzy said, a giggle hidden in her tone. She squeezed my hand, asking for my attention, and smiled, our eyes locked on each other. I couldn’t help but smile.

“Baby, are you ready?” I called from the bathroom, smoothing my hand over my cheek. I’d just shaved.
“Yeah…” she said, making her way over, stopping in the doorway.
“Where are we going?”
“Wherever you want,” I replied, putting my razor back in the cabinet.
“Really? You have no tricks up your sleeve?” she asked, sceptical. I chuckled.
“Yeah, I got nothing,” I said, shrugging, a smile on her face.
“And we can go wherever I want?”
“Wherever.”
“You won’t like it,” she said, in a warning tone. I raised an eyebrow.
“IHOP?” I asked a mock look of agony on my face. She nodded, a grin etched onto her lips.
“Man! I should’ve planned something,” I moaned, as she grinned even more. I didn’t like IHOP much.
“C’mon, Frankie, you know you love the pancakes!”
“I’ve had better,” I mumbled, taking her hand and leading her out the bathroom.
“Your Mum’s ones don’t count.”
“You suck,” I replied, a grin stretching over my lips.
“You already knew that,” she said, laughing. I rolled my eyes, my smile still huge as we collected our stuff, leaving the house.
“But only because it’s your birthday.”

“You know… with the babies coming and stuff, I’ve been thinking…” I mumbled, my cheek resting on her head, her hair tickling my nose.
I’d taken her back to Hudson River, where I’d taken her just over two years ago to watch the sunrise. We were sat in the backseat, watching the sunset this time.
I did have something planned.
“You know, about us, and other stuff… and how they’re going to be brought up,” I continued. She sat up slightly, properly, her brow furrowed into confusion.
“…Yeah,” she said, her head resting on my shoulder this time, so she was looking up at me.
“And when I’m… You know, thinking about the future and stuff… I can never see you… well, not there. You’re always there.”
A small smile spread over her lips, her eyes warm and soft. She leant up slightly, pressing her lips against mine slowly, her hand on my cheek. I couldn’t help smiling.
“So while I was thinking about that stuff, it got me thinking even more about the future… and I just, I wanna give you this,” I pulled out a small, navy blue box from my pocket, opening it and taking out what was inside.
Her eyes widened.
“Frank…” she whispered, her hand now resting on my neck. I looked at her, and she was just… shocked.
“It’s a promise ring. Whenever I think back on the past, and when you were in England… I just never, ever want stuff like that to happen again.”
“Promise ring? As in… you’ll… I-”
“Promising that… I will marry you, if you let me.”
Her mouth turned into a grin, her eyes gleaming, sparkling. I leant down, placing my lips against hers.
“Would you let me?”
And she held out her left hand.