Battling the Loss You Live For.

“We’ve been through this before,” I mumbled, handing him his mug of coffee.
We were sat on the sofa, a lot less emotional now.
“But all that doesn’t matter… it’s what you feel inside. You miss England, Sazzy. There’s no denying it,” he said, sighing for about the fifth time now.
“There’s nothing there for me now,” I replied, sitting next to him, putting down my iced tea on the coffee table. He reached over, tangling his fingers delicately and deliberately with mine.
“And what’s here for you?”
“You are.”
He sighed, yet again, and opened his mouth.
“Don’t even think it. I’ll slap you again,” I growled, crossing my arms angrily. He closed his mouth, just squeezing my hand. He lent up, placing his mug on the coffee table, and pulled me to him, hugging me to his chest.
…And sighed.

“I just realised that in four months, the babies will be here,” Frank smiled, looking down at me. I smiled back at him, noting how he looked again. I don’t know how or why I’m really noticing it now, but… he just looked so… attractive.
Was it the hang-over, which made his eyes all hazy? The way he looked at me, with that glitter in his eyes, the corners of his mouth twitching into a grin…?
That’s when it hit me.
He’d always looked like this, I just never noticed it.
We never had a time like this, where there wasn’t something going on. Where there was time to think about… well, about our feelings.
I just realised, that this gorgeous man loved me.
“I love you,” I said, my head tilting to the side slightly, our eyes still locked.
He grinned.
“I love you, too,” then frowned, “what’s wrong?”
“…Nothing… at all.”
His eyebrows furrowed, “You look kind of… vacant.”
“I’m just… thinking,” I said, leaning my head back onto his shoulder, my eyes dropping shut. I felt so comfortable now.
“About?”
“You…”
I felt him stiffen slightly in confusion, and it made me smile.
“Um… okay?”
“I just kind of realised… well, not just now, obviously, but… don’t you think, that sometimes, it’s like… like, you’ve forgotten everything that’s happened, and then it kind of comes rushing back to you, and you just… well, I just realised how much I love you, and how much you love me. I mean, I’ve always taken our relationship for granted, and I-”
“I love you, so much.”
“I know.”

“Ugh… Frank? Sazzy?”
I lifted my head from Frank’s chest, my eyes trained to the living room door. Must’ve left the front door unlocked last night…
“Gerard?” I whispered, wary to not wake up Frank. His mouth was open slightly, his left arm draping around me and his right arm hanging off the sofa. He looked so tired.
“And Ray,” Ray whispered back, and I heard them padding towards the living room.
“Why are we whispering…?” Ray asked, confused, as they made their way over. I sat up off Frank, yawning, and ran a hand through my hair.
“Hey,” Gerard said, smiling at me, “have fun last night?”
“Whoa, he’s totally gone!” Ray said, pointing a finger towards Frank, who still lay sleeping on the sofa.
“Dude, don’t wake him,” Gerard whispered, slapping away Ray’s hand.
These two were always together – Mikey did say that they were straight, but I don’t know…
“So what’s up?” Gee asked, sitting in the armchair. I shrugged, as Ray walked off towards the kitchen.
“Nothing, really… Frank’s pretty hung-over so we’re not doing much today… as you can see,” I said, gesturing to a sleeping Frankie.
“Sazzy, can I eat the-”
“Help yourself,” I replied, calling to Ray softly.
“So did you have fun last night?” I asked Gee, who looked a little worse for wear, actually.
“Yeah… it was good. A little different than usual, a lot more chilled out,” he said, nodding, a fond smile on his face.
“How are the kids? Have you thought of a name for the little guy yet?”
“Yeah, actually… Dymian,” I smiled. I really liked the name, it was so… us.
“That is so fucking cute. That’s amazing. It goes so well with Marilyn, too,” Gee said, his eyes twinkling slightly as he smiled. Ray came back through into the living room, a plate of hot, steaming lasagne in one hand and a bottle of water in the other. Gerard was drawn to it.
“Dude… is there any more of that?”
“Uh… yeah, it’s in the fridge,” Ray replied, sitting cross-legged on the floor at my feet.
“So tell me why the mood is practically suicidal in here,” Ray whispered to me as Gerard scuttled off hurriedly into the kitchen.
“I was just all hormonal earlier,” I replied, keeping my tone at a whisper.
“Care to elaborate?” he said, chewing on a forkful of food, “holy shit, you’re a good cook.”
“I was all hormonal about Frank getting really pissed last night and was a total bitch about it and started crying and stuff…” I rushed, mumbling the story, slightly embarrassed. Ray just nodded.
“And well… it got to Frank thinking that I miss England-”
“Which you do-”
“And I- …What? No, no I don’t!” I said, tugging on a bit of his curly and wild afro.
“Ow! And yes, you do! C’mon, you feel so much more comfortable with Nyona and Sophii, because they’re from there, you feel alienated here, and you feel-”
“Alright, alright, jeez,” I mumbled, shaking my head, “I feel comfortable around Nyona and Sophii because they’re female. I’ve spent so much time with guys, I thought I was turning into one,” I grumbled, mindlessly playing with his hair.
“…What are we talking about?” Gerard asked, walking into the room with his huge plate of lasagne, along with some salad and a bottle of beer.
“Sazzy missing England,” Ray said, swallowing. I huffed, rolling my eyes.
“Leave her alone, she’s fine in good ol’ Jersey. She’s one of us, now,” Gerard said, gazing at his plate lovingly, and tasting a forkful.
“Oh yes… definitely one of us. You can cook for us anytime, kiddo,” he said, shovelling more food into his mouth as I laughed.
“Yeah, laugh all you want. You’re not the one that has to put up with his farts and burps,” Ray moaned, and I giggled.
They’re definitely a couple.