Battling the Loss You Live For.

Frank’s Point of View
She was pretty nervous.
It was actually kind of cute, in a way. She was never really nervous when she met new people, but I guess her hormones have been raging and getting out of control in the last couple of weeks.
She held my hand tight as I rang the door bell on Thanksgiving Day, the waft of roasted vegetables, chocolate and pastries from the open window making me feel hungry.
“Sizzle, Frank-oh!” Gee cried, throwing his arms around me in a huge hug, and I laughed, hugging him back. You could tell he was in a very festive mood.
He wrapped Sazzy up in a hug, leading us in the warm house quickly.
“Everyone else is here, in the living room,” Gerard explained, pointing us into the dimly lit living room.
It was cosy, decorated in reds and blacks, candles lit around the room and the fire alight giving it a gothic-y feel. But I’d been over here plenty of times, now.
“Frankie!” Mikey cried, bounding up to me and tackling me into a hug.
“Happy Thanksgiving!” he exclaimed, letting go of me then attacking Sazzy into a hug. I hugged everyone else, and thought twice this time about the wine they offered.
It’s not that Sazzy doesn’t mind it, but I’ve been thinking about it, and it doesn’t seem fair. But it’s not just all of that, it’s just… I can’t put it in words, but it’s not right. I’m going to be a Dad. I should be a lot more responsible.
And that’s when it hit me.
I was going to be a Dad. A Dad, at nineteen.
I can’t do that!
I sat down on the couch, leaning back and looking over at Sazzy. She was laughing at something Ray was saying, Gerard standing next to him with a confused look on his face.
She was a mother already. She was caring, kind, considerate… selfless. She’d given up her British life to lead an American one. She got pregnant after the first time she’d broke her abstinence, and didn’t abort the babies. She had the guts to tell her ‘mother’ everything she thought of her. She trusted me so much, she let me take her away to a place she’d only been to once.
She trusted me…
“Sup, Frank? Why do you look like you need a shit?” Nyona asked, slumping on the couch next to me. I turned to her, not knowing what to say.
“I… I- Um…”
She sat back, looking at me with a raised eyebrow.
“You look like you’re in serious pain.”
“I’m gonna be a Dad…” I mumbled, putting my head in my hands.
“Oh, I’ve read about this! You’re having that ‘epiphany’,” she said, quietly, so no-one overheard.
“Uh… What?”
“You know… that thing that guys have just when they realise when they’re gonna have kids,” she explained, nodding to herself. I sat back, my eyebrows furrowed.
“How have you heard about this?”
“I dunno… I just know? Shut up!” she said, crossing her arms childishly.
“Just… look, get over it,” she said, a slight smile to her face. I gave her a look.
“You’ll be a great Dad, okay? You’re really good with Sazzy, you go together, and that’s all you really need. So… don’t worry about it, okay?”
I didn’t know what to say. I guess… I was worried because I had no idea what to do. I didn’t want to raise these kids haphazardly; I wanted to do stuff properly. How was I going to do that with College, and the band, and everything else? I had to make room for them. I want them to have a consistent father, not a Dad who’s there some of the time, and someone they can’t rely on to take them to the park or to the beach or shopping or anywhere else for that matter.
They were Sazzy’s kids, my kids, and they deserved the best.
“Why do you look like that now?” Nyona asked, sighing.
“I think… I’m gonna drop out of college and the band,” I mumbled, running a hand through my hair. I had to do this. Sazzy had given me everything, and now it was my turn.
“You what?!” she whispered harshly, her eyes narrowed.
“What? I have to!” I replied, glancing over at everyone else, still talking about something.
“You fucking idiot. Do you think Sazzy will let you? If you do, she’ll be heartbroken, I mean it. She really wants you to carry on doing what you want to do, Frank. She doesn’t want you to drop everything for her. She doesn’t need you to. She has us, and your parents for when you’re not around.”
“But I want-”
“Listen. You’re at College on a scholarship, and you go three times a week. You do band practise every day in the evening. You do the math. What’s really taking up your time, Frankie?”
She had a point. I could just cut back the band practise instead of stopping it all together.
“You’re right,” I said, nodding, “but it’s not just that. I need a job, too. Having a baby is expensive, forget having two,” I mumbled, shaking my head. Our funds were running low.
“Oh, for fucks sakes,” Nyona muttered, slumping back into the couch, “you two… are just… I don’t even know.”
“Yeah… I know. It’s just fucked up, everything is,” I replied, leaning back next to her.
“Hey, Frank, Nonie, let’s go,” Ray called, looking over at us.
“…Where?” I asked, confused.
“To eat…? Dumbass,” Mikey said, making Sophii bring her hand around his head.