Battling the Loss You Live For.

She just burst into tears.
I didn’t know what else to do but wrap my arms around her, and hug her to me tightly. She sobbed into me, as I just thought.
What was going to happen now?
Go back to England? We can’t, Sazzy can’t fly anymore. But the more I thought about it, the sooner I realised that we couldn’t do anything. We never talked to her, because she didn’t want to know. Being dead doesn’t exactly change Shy’s opinion on everything we’ve done, and it shouldn’t change ours.
I’m not saying that we shouldn’t be sorry, that either of us don’t care that she died… it’s just, if she wasted the last years of her life hating us, what could we do? Was there anything we could do?
I just forgot about it for now, hugging her closer.

“How are you feeling?” Gerard asked, as I walked into the kitchen almost fifteen minutes later.
“I don’t know. I just… don’t know,” I mumbled, sitting at the table and resting my head in my hands.
“How is Sazzy feeling?” Sophii asked, as I felt her hand on my arm yet again.
“Ugh… Oh, God. Terrible…” I said, scratching the back of my neck, “she’s in the bathroom.”
“What you gonna do? Fly back there?” Gee asked, lighting up a cigarette and opening the window, exhaling the smoke out. He passed it to me after.
“No… we can’t. We’ve got money issues and she can’t fly anyway, she’s almost six months pregnant.”
“I thought that you could fly when you’re under 32 weeks pregnant? How many weeks is she?” Sophii asked, and I looked over at the calendar.
“22 weeks today. But it’s different when you’re carrying twins, it’s not worth all the risks… and we wouldn’t be able to get there in ten weeks time anyway.”
“What does she think?” Gee asked, taking his cigarette off me as I exhaled out the window. I shrugged.
“She knows all this… but there isn’t anything we can do. They hated each other… I don’t think she even wants to go to the funeral or anything. It doesn’t feel right.”
“Hate each other? But… why?” Sophii asked, confused and slightly shocked. I shook my head, not wanting to get into the whole thing.
“Long story, she’ll tell you some other time maybe,” I said, dragging on Gee’s cigarette. I heard the click of the bathroom door lock, and Sazzy stepped out, walking down the hallway towards us in the kitchen. She sat next to me and I wrapped an arm around her, bringing her to me.
“How are you?” I asked, giving Gerard the cigarette. Obviously, I was very wary about her inhaling second hand smoke. It wasn’t fair that she was forced to quit so suddenly, either.
She shrugged, resting her head on my shoulder, and I rested my chin on her head, her hair tickling my nose.
“I just… kind of miss everyone from back there, now, you know? I kind of miss those days… High School and walking home with you, getting coffees at lunch, all of that… being oblivious,” she said bitterness in her tone towards the end. I kissed her head, trying to make her forget.
I didn’t like any of this… naturally.
But I just didn’t know what to do anymore! I felt so… drained from all of this; all of her Mum’s meddling and mind games, her hypocrisy and just everything she did and how wrong it all was. I felt emotionally exhausted.
I didn’t think that I had the right words to say anymore, to anything.
It was all just getting too much.