Battling the Loss You Live For.

When I woke up again, it was noon.
Gerard was making toast in the kitchen, and Mikey and Sophii were in the living room, watching TV.
“Has he called?” I asked, rubbing my tired eyes. He shook his head.
“I was gonna ask you the same thing,” he replied, dropping two slices of toast onto the rack.
“He sent me a text,” I said, sliding over my phone. He picked it up, reading it.
“…What do you think?”
“I was gonna ask you the same thing,” I mimicked him. He let out a frustrated moan, putting the rack of toast on the table in front of me.
“Food!” he called, passing me my phone as Mikey, Sophii and Nyona traipsed in.
“Anything?” Nyona asked, as Gee shook his head.
The door rattled, the noise of keys scratching the lock sounding out around the house.
Frank stumbled in, looking worse for wear.
His hair was matted, stuck to his head, his eyes were bloodshot and dark circles graced his eyes. His clothes were damp and dirty, and he smelt like booze. He was drunk.
“Living room,” Gerard whispered, in a harsh and quick tone as he picked up the rack of toast, pushing everyone into the living room. Frank’s hazy and red eyes were locked on mine. He stumbled into the kitchen, falling into the seat opposite me.
“Where were you?”
“Does it matter?”
He looked up at me, grabbing my hand from across the table.
“I love you.”
“Why are you like this?” I spat, snatching my hand away. He just can’t do that! Disappear all night, then come back drunk and messy, telling me he loves me.
“I’m sorry.”
“Stop it. You can’t just do that, Frank! I thought you…” I stopped, realising what I was about to say.
“You thought what?” he asked, his eyes never leaving my face.
“What do you think?!” I bit in a low whisper, angry. I was so angry.
“You didn’t even have a reason for leaving,” I said harshly, crossing my arms.
“You don’t know what I’m trying to do for us, do you? It’s hard for me, you know, so hard,” he said, his voice low and pitying.
“How is it hard, Frank? You have me, your parents, all your friends, your home-fucking-town. What do I have? You. That’s it. No family, nothing. It’s harder for me than you’ll ever know, but I’m not the one running off.”
“I offered you all of that-”
“You can’t offer it to me! No one can! How can someone bring back my family? For all I know, I don’t have one!” I replied, leaning towards him.
“You have your own family. The kids you’re carrying.”
“We have our own family.”
“Yeah, we. So how are you unhappy?” he asked, still calm.
“I’m not. I’m unhappy because you are. And how are you unhappy? You have no reason to be. You had no reason to run off, without anything, nothing for me to-”
“Don’t-”
“Shut up, Frank! Just shut up!”
He was shocked. I’d never ever told him to shut up like that.
“What do you want from me?” he whispered, hanging his head in defeat.
“…You, Frankie. I miss you,” I mumbled, gingerly placing my hand on his. He looked up at them.
“But I’m here.”
“No, you’re not. You’re a shell of what you were,” I mumbled, not believing that I was saying this.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, finally looking into my eyes.
“I know… that I- I’ll try, okay? I promise… I just-”
“I just want to know what’s on your mind, Frankie,” I replied softly.
He looked up at me.
“Remember what I told you the night we got together?”
I racked my brain, sifted through my memories.
“Uh… Oh… yes. Kevin.”
“He’s been good inside. Not getting into fights or anything,” he whispered, tearing his gaze away from mine.
“M-Meaning…?”
“He’s coming out.”

I was scared.
I had never seen Frank so vulnerable and tired. Now he had kind of let his guard down and told everyone, he didn’t have to put up this charade of being fine anymore, he was free to mope about.
“So what are you gonna do?” Nyona asked, sipping on her coffee. We were all in the kitchen now, having coffee while Frank smoked by the window.
“I don’t know,” he said, shrugging. He was lent against the sink.
“I don’t think there’s anything we can do. I’m not gonna run, just because he’s out. I’ve got a life here.”
“When is he out?” Gerard asked, as he ruffled his hair. It was quite long now.
“A month, I think… I’m not that sure. But it’s soon,” he sounded so nervous.
“Fuck,” Mikey mumbled, resting his head on the table, “do you think he’ll do anything?”
“That’s the thing. I don’t know. I can’t afford for him to do anything, I can’t… I’ve fucking got kids coming, you know… and Sazzy…” he looked over at me, his eyes scared and worried, nervous.
“Nothing is gonna happen, man. I think you’re unnecessarily worrying about it for now. I think you should just… not forget it, but put it to the back of your mind. You’ve got other priorities, you know? And if he knows that you’re getting fucked up about him coming out, he’s gonna use that against you,” Gerard said, nodding to himself. Everyone was quiet after that.
“I think Gerard’s right,” Sophii agreed, lifting her head up from the table, “you’ve got other stuff you need to worry about. He’s not worth it.”
“Doesn’t he get some sort of restraining order, anyway?” Nyona asked. You could tell she was really thinking everything through.
“I’ve got no idea. This is Jersey, ‘Nigh. No one listens to the fuckin’ law, anyway,” Frank said, sighing a little.
“It’ll be okay, Frankie,” I whispered, and he looked at me, with those beautiful eyes of his. It was like he was mine again, there was a reason for it all and everything was sort of alright now.

“What are you thinking?” I asked him, as he looked vacantly down at one of his college books.
“I just… need to know what to do. This is killing me,” he answered in a whisper, shaking his head softly. He closed his book, tossing it onto the coffee table, and buried his head in his hands.
“It’s all I can think about.”
I leant over, wrapping him in a hug as he sighed, his hand resting on my hair.
“I just don’t want you to get hurt in any way possible by that asshole,” he whispered, stroking my hair.
“I won’t. Stop worrying, babe, it’ll be alright,” I whispered, kissing his neck.
“But I can’t stop thinking about it. He’s gonna do something, I know him. But I can’t let him, and I just need to find out how. When he finds out about the kids…” he shook his head, “no. No fucking way.”
I looked up from his chest, to see him deep in thought again. He caught my eye, leaning down and placing his lips against mine softly but forcefully.
“I’m here,” I whispered, stroking his cheek with a thumb. He smiled.
“And I’m yours.”