Battling the Loss You Live For.

Frank’s Point of View
I’ll admit; things were a lot easier for me now. I didn’t have to go through such emotional stress and fake everything anymore.
Sazzy really got it. She knew what I was on about, and I was forever grateful for that. She knew that I needed space, time to think, and time to decide on stuff. She told me that she’d go along with whatever that I had decided what was best. Just knowing that she still trusted me enough with her and the kids lives meant everything to me.
Mom and Dad got back from LA today, so I’ll probably ask them on what they thought and everything that’s happened recently. I just needed some guidance right now.

“Frankie, is that you?” I heard Sazzy call as I opened the door to the house, kicking off my vans.
“Yeah, babe,” I said, walking through into the living room to see her, Mom and Dad sat in there. Whoa, I was meant to pick them up in an hour, what the fuck?
“Mom, Dad!” I said, shocked as they stood up to hug it out, with huge smiles.
“I missed you!” Mom said, squeezing me half to death. Dad peeled her off me, and gave me a hug instead.
“How was LA? And Uncle Joe?” I asked, as Dad stepped away from me.
“He’s good. How are you?” Dad asked, with a knowing tone, as we all sat back down.
“Uh… fine. I’m fine…” I said, wary, “when did you get here?”
“About twenty minutes ago, love. We caught an earlier flight,” Mom said, giving me a small smile.
“Why?” I asked, confused.
“I heard about Kevin,” she mumbled, almost inaudible.
“…Oh,” I said, unsure. All that went through my head was fuck. Somehow, I kind of wished that she’d not find out, and carry on. If she could forget, then I could too, and then possibly, when he got out, he would just not bother us. And then everything would be fine.
But nothing turns out the way you want it to, and I guess I should be the expert at that stuff, at being disappointed.
“Frankie…” Sazzy mumbled; tugging on my hand when she noticed I’d kind of dazed off into my own thoughts.
“I… um-”
“It’s alright, Frank. We’ll sort something out, alright?” Dad said, nodding confidently. I didn’t know what to say, so I just nodded.
“I bet you fags missed me!”
“Uh… I think its Gerard, I’ll just…” Sazzy said, trailing off as she stood up, walking out of the living room and closing the door behind her.
“Frankie, we want to know what you’re thinking,” Mom said, in a sympathetic tone. I hung my head, frustrated.
“Everyone wants to fucking know what I’m thinking. I’m not thinking anything,” I grumbled in a low tone, slightly shocked about the venom lacing my tone. I was sick of people asking me the same thing over and over again. What the fuck do they think I’m thinking?!
“Frank… it’s just that… we don’t know what you’re feeling, and we just want to help-”
“Well, you can’t. No one can, so just… let me figure it out by myself. I can’t do anything if no one will let me think!” I said, in a low whisper. Mom looked taken aback, but Dad had a small smile on his face.
“I’m so proud of you, Frankie,” he said, his smile growing. Mom turned to him, a confused and shocked look on her face.
“Cheech, what the fuck are you on abou-”
“He wants to figure it out himself. Didn’t you hear? He wants to find out by himself what the right thing to do is, and he wants what’s best for Sazzy, Marilyn and Dymian. He’s got his head screwed on, and if he wants help, he knows where we are,” he explained, his eyes locked on me. I gave him a weak smile, and he broke out into a grin.
“That’s my boy. Let’s go, Linda.”
“But… no, Cheech, don’t do-”
Dad pulled her up off her chair, and she grunted, slapping his hand away.
“We’re not going! We have nothing sorted out, and-”
“Oh, woman, shut up,” Dad groaned, placing a hand to his head. Mom crossed her arms, scowling.
“I’m thinking about our grandchildren. We cannot let that asshole-”
“Alright, alright… Jesus, woman,” Dad groaned, sitting back down, “what else is there to say? He wants time to think anyways.”
“We have to get him a restraining order, or something-”
“This is Jersey,” me and Dad said simultaneously, and Mom sighed.
“Well, what else are we gonna do?” she said, frustrated.
“What do you think I’ve been thinking about for all this time? There’s nothing we can do. I’m not running,” I stated, standing my ground.
“Okay… well, what I’m gonna do is, make a couple of calls to my lawyer. We can’t have him back into our lives. We just can’t. I’ll sort out something… there has to be something we can do…” Mom mumbled to herself, nodding at her suggestions.

“So what happened?” Gerard asked, slightly confused as we sat in the living room, eating the veggie pizza he brought with him.
“Well, my Mom’s gonna try and do something. But I’ve gone through this a million times in my head, there’s nothing to be done. If he’s out, he’s out. That’s it, end of,” I said, shrugging. Sazzy poked me in the side, trying to get me to cheer up.
“When’s Mikey getting here?” she asked, in a slight grumble. She was really good friends with Mikes now, I’ve noticed.
“Uh… he should be here soon,” Gee said, flicking the channel on the television to ‘Diff’rent Strokes’.
“I fucking love this show!” I cried, sitting up in properly.
“You’re happier!” Sazzy grinned, whispering it in my ear. I smiled back at her, pecking her on the lips.
“Pencey Prep was meant to be called ‘Whatch You Talkin’ ‘bout, Willis’,” I mentioned, making Gee look at me with a funny look.
“Really? Bit of a mouthful,” he stated, raising an eyebrow.
“I know; that’s what I said. So Hambone was like ‘think of a name by tomorrow or we’re gonna be called that’. So I stole Pencey Prep from The Catcher In The Rye,” I said, shrugging as I bit into my slice of pizza.
“The awesomeness is here!” Mikey called from the front door, as we heard it slam.
“Mikey’s a gay boy,” Sazzy called, as if she was talking in general, with a smile on her face.
“Sazzy is a homophobe!” Mikey cried back, slumping on the sofa next to her, and grabbing a slice of pizza.
“Dude, you just admitted you’re gay,” Gerard said, giggling a little, as Mikey’s eyes widened.
“I’m not fucking gay!”