Battling the Loss You Live For.

Sazzy’s Point of View
Whenever I talk to someone about problems I have with the pregnancy, they always sympathise. Not in the way that’s like ‘Oh, I feel so sorry for you. It must be terrible being in your situation’, but more like the ‘Oh, I feel for you. I can imagine what it must feel like’.
That just confuses and annoys me.
Oh, Mikey, so you’ve had a baby? You’ve gone through pregnancy? You know what it feels like when a baby kicks you so hard on the inside, it affects your bladder and you have to pee every six seconds?
You know what it feel like, Frank, to have a chick squirt blue cold shit on your bloated stomach, and roll a fucking freezing metal thing around you, pushing the kids your carrying so hard into your bladder, making you almost piss your fucking pants?
No? I didn’t think so.

That’s what I love aboutDonna Mum. She knows exactly what it feels like, exactly what to say, and exactly what to do for me. She’s been down the same road three times, and knows her shit. Obviously, things are slightly different, because I’m carrying twins, but that just pretty much means you have to take extra precaution and care.
I couldn’t believe that for all these months that I’ve lived here, almost eight months, that my brothers were pretty much right under my nose. Under my roof!
But, I kinda just forgot about everything, and just accepted it, and moved along.
Because of this whole pregnancy thing, it’s giving me a whole new perspective on everything I do, and on my life.
I care too much and worry too much about stuff that’s happened in the past, and I should just get over it. Yeah, I won’t forget it, and I don’t ever want to, but I should stop dwelling on it so much. Just kinda… focus on the present, and the future more.
I never live life to the fullest, anymore, and I take tomorrow for granted.
I can’t do that anymore.
What brought all this on?
My adoptive mother did.
She’s not around anymore, and she took tomorrow for granted.
I don’t ever, ever want to end up like she did. Dead, just like that, within the blink of an eye.

“Sazzy?” I heard Mum call, as I washed my hands in the bathroom sink.
“I’ll be out in a second!”
“I brought take-out, are you hungry, love?”
“Starving,” I replied, as I unlocked the door, stepping out. I made my way down the hallway, into the living room where I heard the rustling of plastic bags and cartons.
“Hey,” I said, as Mum turned, hugging me tightly.
“How’re my grandchildren?” she asked, patting my stomach.
“They’re great. But starving,” I said, looking down at the coffee table.
“Chinese?”
“No, I got Italian from that cute little restaurant around the corner from home. You like the cannelloni, right?" she said, picking up a medium sized silver foil-like tub, those types that they used to keep the food warm.
“Hell yeah, man… it smells so good,” I said, sitting down on the sofa. She grinned sitting next to me.
“Where’s Frank?”
“He’s out at Eyeball; he’ll be back in an hour or so. What about Gee and Mikey?”
“On their way, Mikey was at work and Gerard was out at Matt’s. You know… I don’t like that kid very much. He’s okay… but there’s something about him, that’s just…”
“Not right?” I said, grabbing a fork off the table.
“Yeah… not right, like he’s hiding something…” she explained, nodding to herself as she peeled the lid off a tub of tomato pasta.

“Hey, hey! I smell food!” Gerard cried, as Mikey giggled.
“Fat shit.”
There was a thud.
“Ow, you bitch!”
“Italian food,” Mum called, she cleaned away the used tubs that we’d eaten out of. Gee and Mikey trudged in, hugging us both briefly, before tucking in.
“Frank’s outside, he’s just on the phone and having a smoke,” Gerard said, sitting on the floor, right in front of me. I nodded, ruffling his hair.
“Didn’t Matt come with?” I asked, resting my hands in his hair.
“Nah, he went over to Nyona’s. I think they’re coming over, later. Oh, Ma, Dad rang me earlier,” he said, looking over at her. Her brow creased.
“What did he say?”
I’d yet to meet my father. They said that he was out in Scotland visiting family, and that he was due back some time next month. He had an open plane ticket.
“He’ll be back in exactly two weeks. He tried ringing you, but it wouldn’t go through. That’s it, really…” Gee said, shrugging.
I heard the door click, and the sound of it shutting closed. Frank walked through the door, hugging Mum briefly before he slumped next to me, pecking me on the temple.
“How’re Marilyn and Dymian?” he asked, placing a hand on my belly.
“Fine… who was on the phone?” I said, nestling into his side. Mikey, Gee and Mum were talking, not paying much attention to us.
“Shaun. Talking about band stuff, really…” he explained, as I passed him a container of food.

It was late.
I woke up, startled, while Frank’s breathing was even, meaning he was asleep. His mouth was open slightly, and I moved his arm off me carefully, trying not to wake him.
…What woke me up?
I moved the duvet off me, climbing out of the bed with some difficulty, and walking out of the room, into the bathroom.
It was then that I heard it.
There was a light tapping against the front door, quiet, but almost in a frantic manner.
“Who the hell…?” I mumbled to myself, walking out of the bathroom and down the hallway, glancing at the clock placed on the wall. 4:28AM.
I opened the front door, squinting slightly at the dark.
“…Didn’t think you’d be pregnant at 19.”