Battling the Loss You Live For.

I’d be lying if I said I was calm.
The first thing I did was lead Sazzy to the hallway, and helped her put on her shoes and coat, while I shouted to the guys what happened. They were ready in three minutes, Mikey grabbing the bag that Sazzy had made just two days ago, full of stuff that she would need in the hospital. I shoved on my jacket, telling Gerard to ring his parents, and for Mikey to ring mine. Sazzy’s contractions hadn’t started properly yet.
I just kept running the same thing in my head.
It’s gonna be okay. It’s gonna be okay. It’s gonna be okay.
I was spazzing out, and big time. I couldn’t show it, though; I didn’t want Sazzy to freak out. She clutched my hand tightly in hers, as I drove to our hospital, which was luckily, down the road, and only a two minute drive.
“Frank, your parents are on their way. They’ll be here in fifteen minutes,” Mikey said, dialling on his phone again.
“I’m just gonna call Ray and Sophii quickly, too.”
“Sazzy, Mom and Dad will be here in ten,” Gerard added, leaning over from the backseat.
“How’re you guys feeling?”
“…Scared,” Sazzy mumbled, as I parked the car right by the entrance of the hospital.
“Mikes, be a man and get a wheelchair,” Gerard said, helping Sazzy out the car as I locked it, rushing over to the other side while Mikey ran off quickly, jabbering on his phone.
“Okay?” Sazzy whispered to me, smiling slightly. Her smile was infectious.
“…If you are.”
“FUCK!”
She doubled over almost; making me practically shit myself as I grabbed hold of her arm, my other arm wrapping around her waist to support her.
“Mikey, hurry the fuck up!” Gerard bellowed, as Mikey same into sight, running with a wheelchair in tow.
“Babe, sit down… are you alright?” I said, having to take a deep breath. She squeezed my hand tightly as I guided her into the seat. She took several deep breaths, as Gerard pushed the wheelchair into the hospital as I walked along side it, Sazzy still gripping my hand and Mikey murmuring in hurried whispers on his cell.
“Nyona, Matt and Sophii are on their way. They’ll be here in fifteen minutes.”
I nodded, as we approached the front desk.
“She-she’s in labour,” I said, as the nurse at the desk nodded, taking note in a book in front of her.
“Okay. You must be… Sazzy Massacre?” she said, a small grin appearing on her lips. I’d rung them on the way over. Sazzy nodded.
“Is your partner present with you?” she asked, looking over at the three of us guys.
“That’s me,” I said, and the nurse nodded, ushering another nurse over.
“She’ll take you into your ward. There, the doctors will run assessments on you.”
The nurse began to lead us to the ward, Gerard still pushing the wheelchair.
“Have you experienced any contractions yet?”
“Yes. I’ve had one,” Sazzy explained, nodding.
“Okay… how long did it last?” the nurse asked, leading us down long, white corridors.
“About thirty seconds. It was about two minutes ago.”
“Right… okay. Well, here is your ward, and this is your bed. If you lie down on there for me…” she said, as I helped Sazzy off the chair and on the bed, lying on top of the covers.
“Your doctor will be right with you.”

The doctor came and went, and my parents, Sazzy’s parents, Nyona, Matt, Ray and Sophii had arrived. We were pretty much just waiting for her cervix to dilate. It sounded like… well, disgusting. She was four centimetres gone already, her contractions getting closer and closer together. The contractions scared the shit out of me – she would clutch at my hand, her other hand resting on her stomach, and breathe through her nose and out her mouth really fast and continuously. It was like… she was having the kids already. The other thing that scared me was the fact that my children were only… six centimetres away in time. I know it doesn’t make sense, but when you think like that, it’s just so real and frightening at the same time.
Was I ready to do this? Look after two children?
The next three hours didn’t exactly tell me the answer that I had hoped for, but…

“You’re ten centimetres dilated. You’re ready to have your children,” the doctor smiled, pulling off her clear skin-tight gloves.
“No I am fucking not,” Sazzy complained, making the female doctor laugh in a slightly nervous manner. Sophii burst out laughing, forcing Nyona to slap her around the head, Mikey giggling when she did so.
“We’re just going to move you into the labour room. Now, only your partner can come in there with you, as there won’t be enough room for the rest of your family and friends,” the doctor explained, nodding at me with a smile. I felt sick.
“Ready?” I whispered to Sazzy, and she looked up at me, her eyes wide and bright. I couldn’t believe that we were doing this. I couldn’t believe that this was happening, that in a few hours…
“I guess. Feeling alright?” she answered, a knowing look in her eyes, a secretive smile gracing her lips. I smiled at her, shaking my head.
“We’re ready,” I told the doctor, and she nodded, wheeling Sazzy’s bed out of the ward, as I followed, Sazzy clutching at my hand and everyone else followed, their voices all blurred as one as we walked to the delivery room.

She was still dressed in one of those gowns, which had IRVINGTON GENERAL HOSPITAL written all over it in different colours. The IV still stuck out of her right hand, and it made me wonder how the hell she was doing this. She hated needles almost as much as Gerard. She had had that spinal block thing so she didn’t feel as much pain.
As much?
There were about three nurses, along with the doctor, and all these trays with green tissues laid out on it, silver equipment lying on top ready to use.
“Okay, Sazzy,” the doctor began, as she pulled on yet another set of skin-tight gloves, this time blue coloured.
“What is going to happen is that on your contractions, you would have to try and push. You will feel what you would need to do, so go on your instincts. Is that alright?” Sazzy nodded, her grip tightening on my hand.
“Shit…”
“Okay, here comes your first contraction.”

Dymian was born in the scariest hour of my life, at exactly 21:03. Marilyn was born in almost the same minute, but at 21:04.
I was in awe. How the hell did she push not one, but two people out of her?
Almost as soon as Marilyn was born, the doctor handed over the small, tiny babies, wrapped in either a pink blanket or a blue one. Sazzy pulled her knees up, resting them both on her legs, my arm wrapped around her shoulders, looking down at them.
Sazzy looked up at me, her eyes bright and wide, and I placed my lips against hers, stroking her damp cheek.
“Thank you, so much.”
I’d never forget this day;
Monday 26th February, 2001.