Battling the Loss You Live For.

Sazzy had to stay in the hospital for three days. I wasn’t going to leave her once.
I kinda felt different now. Not as in a different person, per say, but I just felt like I had so much responsibilities and… I felt like I had a purpose now. Not like I didn’t feel like that before, it’s just that, when I look down on those two kids, they had the most innocent look about them, the way that they just lay there, sleeping, with their minds blank and no conscience, simply because they didn’t need one.
Was this what feeling like a father felt?
I didn’t think so. This wasn’t what all the hype was about; this wasn’t what my father had tried explained to me. Why wasn’t I feeling that feeling that they talk about? Sure, I loved them; I loved them to pieces, but… I just knew that this wasn’t it. Yet.
“…Frank?”
I turned around, seeing Sazzy smiling softly at me from her bed.
“What is it?”
I sighed, walking over to her and slumping on the chair next to her bed, looking down into my lap.
“I don’t know… you know, you’re a Mom now, you know? And you feel that. But I just don’t feel like a Dad yet,” I explained, shrugging lamely.
“Frank,” she murmured, in a voice that asked me to look at her. I did, not moving from my place.
“Come here, you asshole,” she said, patting the spot next to her. I did so, as she grasped my hand.
“You will. It’s just that you’ve had no… doorway into fatherhood. I’ve been carrying them with me for nine months, them being there wherever I go. That’s why I feel like a mother. But you’ve only just met them, babe.”
She did have a point, and it made sense.
“Yeah… You’re right,” I said, sighing slightly and nodding. She leant up, placing her lips against mine, a smile tracing her lips.
“How are you so amazing?” I mumbled as she pulled away softly, her head resting on my shoulder.
“Because… I met you.”

“How you feeling, man?” Gerard asked, slapping me on the back.
“Tired,” I admitted, as my Mom looked on at us fondly, catching my eye and grinning.
“Where’s your ‘rents?” I asked him, noticing that they weren’t in the waiting room.
“Just getting coffee… How’s Sazzy doing?” he asked, as we sat in the purple cushioned seats.
“She’s alright, just really tired. She’s sleeping now… I don’t know how she does it, man. Y’know?”
“Yeah, I get you. I don’t know how most chicks do most things,” Gerard said, with an edge to his voice, his eyes trained on Nyona, who was sitting comfortably with Matt. They were all loved-up for once, Nyona's head resting on Matt’s shoulder as he talked to her in a low whisper, making her smile.
“You alright…?” I asked Gee, and he shook his head.
“Don’t worry, I’m fine…” he said, looking down at the pad of paper resting on his lap, grey pencil lines etched into shapes, words, and pictures all over the paper, the work from the pencil that was tucked neatly behind Gee’s ear. Coloured pencils scattered all over the coffee table in front of us, along with a sharpener and pieces of paper screwed up into balls.
“You know that you can always talk to me, Gee, okay?” I said, noting his aroma of stale cigarettes and alcohol.
“Yeah, thanks, dude.”
“Alright… I’ll catch up with you later,” I said, standing up and nodding to my Mom, then at the door. She stood up, along with my Dad, and followed me out of the waiting room’s door.
“Congratulations, Frankie,” Mom gushed, as soon as I snapped the door shut. I smiled weakly.
“And you too, Grandma,” I said, as she let out a small sob of joy.
“Frank, don’t make your mother cry… I still live with her,” Dad said, rolling his eyes, a smile on his lips non-the-less. I let out a small laugh, and he enveloped me into a hug.
“I’m so proud of you, kid,” he whispered to me, and I felt proud. I loved it when my Dad felt like he could hold his head up high, and say that he was proud of me, and everything I was doing or did.
“Feeling the strain of fatherhood yet?” Dad asked, pulling away from me, Mom looking on.
“I… No, actually. I don’t feel much at all, to be honest,” I confessed, hesitating.
“Why, what’s wrong?” Mom asked; her eyebrows furrowed in slight confusion.
“I’m not sure. Sazzy thinks that it’s because I haven’t… met them yet, in her words,” I explained with a shrug.
“Don’t worry, son. To be really honest, I felt the same way with you. But, when I held you for the first time, when you stopped crying when I held you…” Dad confessed, trailing off slightly, “I knew, that I’d gladly give up my life for you. I knew I was a father, and you were mine, and there was nothing that would get in the way of that.”

“Frank, how’s Sazzy doing?” Mikey asked, sitting in the purple chair next to me.
“Yeah, she’s fine, I guess. She’s breast feeding them right now and it kinda freaks me out,” I admitted, a grin escaping onto my lips.
“I can imagine why…” Mikey said; his face scrunched in slight disgust.
“So, I’ve heard you’ve been having Daddy trouble?”
“When you say it like that, I sound like an old paedophilic man that is trying to get their niece into bed,” I grumbled.
“…You spend too much time with your thoughts. Anyways…” Mikey said, moving on, “haven’t you held them yet?”
“Well… no. That sounds so lame and crappy, I know… but I feel like I’m gonna break their innocence or something once I hold them. I’m not exactly holy or anything, I’ve got sins and shit, my souls marked or whatever… I feel like-”
“Whoa, Frank, dude. Shut the fuck up. What’s up with you? They’re your children. They have your genes, your blood running though their veins and your features. They are yours. You need to shape up, get a grip. Get a grip and go and be a Dad. Those kids deserve it.”

“Hey, Frankie,” Sazzy smiled, as I walked into her room quietly, the kids in the small glass beds next to hers.
“How’re you feeling?” I asked, sitting on the side of her bed, my arm winding around her shoulders.
“Great. I can’t wait to get out of here tomorrow. How about you?” she said, nestling into my shoulder.
“I’m alright… are they awake?” I asked, gesturing to Dymian and Marilyn. She nodded.
“Wanna hold them?” she asked, with a knowing look on her face. I stood up, taking the two steps towards their glass cots, and gazed down at them. Sazzy was behind me almost in an instant, her chin resting on my shoulder.
“Just… like, scoop them both up at the same time.”
I kind of did, in the most awkward way ever, Sazzy helping from behind me, her chin still on my shoulder.
They were there, awake, resting in my arms, Dymian cradled in my right hand, Marilyn in my left.
Their eyes were open, Marilyn yawning, their eyes set on mine. The warm, gushing feeling that enveloped me from the core of my soul felt like I could never be cold again, and then I realised,
I’d do anything for these two kids.