Moving On

I remember the first time I heard this song.

"He, who makes a beast out of himself, gets rid of the pain of being a man"

Caught here in a fiery blaze, won't lose my will to stay.
I try to drive all through the night,
the heat stroke ridden weather, the barren empty sights.
No oasis here to stay, the sand is singing deathless words to me.

Chorus
Can't you help me as I'm startin' to burn (all alone).
Too many doses and I'm starting to get an attraction.
My confidence is leaving me on my own (all alone).
No one can save me and you know I don't want the attention.

As I adjust to my new sights the rarely tired lights will take me to new heights.
My hand is on the trigger I'm ready to ignite.
Tomorrow might not make it but everything's all right.
Mental fiction follow me; show me what it's like to be set free.

They filtered through me and made me shiver. The voice on the other side of my computer speaker gave me goose bumps. So the band became very important in my life. It was the one connection I had with one of my friends, one of my best friends.

I was in high school; I was a boy crazy teen who saw tattooed singers as gods. Morning noon night I would listen to them. Everywhere I went, I wanted to meet them.

I got a boyfriend and everything changed, I didn’t have time to listen to music as much and Avenged Sevenfold took the back seat to my life, when it had been in the front for a very long time, to long. I was so happy, and I thought he was happy too.

I remember those moments and I want to cry but I can’t cry anymore. My boy friend died. It was a sudden murder; I call it murder because he was in a car accident. I lost myself the moment I heard about him and I saw him, since I was the one that had to identify him.

I had moved in with him, we had a nice house on a nice street. But things don’t always stay nice. Moving out of my parents house lost my connection with them. Trying to kill myself, made my father and I closer. Not long after my mother died.

It was a whirlwind of too many emotions happening in too short of a time. But I went to school. Lived with my dad, lived being the word that makes me cringe. How is going from day to day automanitcally living? I thought it was I thought I should never again be happy. Feel attracted to someone. I had sex but those were times when memories were too strong and alcohol was my best friend.

I don’t remember, names, faces, bodies, event, my memory was so selective that I chose not to remember and just do. I did have someone one next to me she took care of me, she actually saved my life because after my boyfriend died she was the only one to notice things weren’t getting better. They were getting worse.

So I did go to school and did what was expected of me. I never argued, cared, or even loved. Yes I was grateful for the people around me but I wasn’t grateful for the fact that they thought I deserved to live. For about 4 months I didn’t get my menstrual cycle.

I thought I was pregnant, I hoped I was pregnant. I made myself believe I was pregnant, but when it did come. Sadness washed over me. There was nothing left of him, for me to keep. My father helped me buy the house he knew it meant a lot to me. Even now after so many years I have it.

I want to let go of it, so I’m restoring it. Making it acceptable for people to live in it. That will be a big step for me, one that maybe I’m too afraid to take but I will because I have to. I have friends now, I met the band that changed my life while I was in a trance.

They care for me and I care for them. I remember the kiss I had and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. But things change they always do. I’m not sad they changed but I’m not happy either. It’s just the way things go. I was sad for a long time, that I couldn’t be happy for the first time in a long time.
I have a best friend and he means the world to me I just hope his memory isn’t as good as mine, I hope he doesn’t remember my past and sees me for who I am since I have known him. He has made me happy without even knowing.

He has been there to tell me that seeking Vengeance might be good but it wouldn’t make me feel better. What would make me feel better is moving on and living my life to the fullest. Showing others that I’m worth it and I’m good.

“He, who makes a beast out of himself, gets rid of the pain of being a man"