Broken

“Do you remember anything from the accident? Anything that would be of great significance?” asked Dr Jane McCauley, two weeks after my admission, as she supposedly took notes down on my answers and over all behaviour although everyone knows that psychiatrists actually spend their time doodling.

“Erm I lost my baby I would say that would be of pretty damn great significance, wouldn’t you?” I replied harshly as I crossed my arms over my chest. What kind of a question was that anyway?

“Well yes but other than that. You said that you didn’t believe that it was an accident, is there anything vital that would cause you to believe this?” she asked, clearing the confusion. I sighed before explaining.

“During my dreams I cry, talk out loud, scream, thrash about. You name it. My boyfriend was awake when one took place, he said he heard me say something, a name, but couldn’t hear what it was properly. He thinks I subconsciously know who it was that hit me but my brain is blocking it out when I’m awake.” she nodded as she took some more ’notes’ down.

“Your boyfriend may well be right. It isn’t uncommon for our minds to block out facts or memories that may hurt us, it’s a form of self protection.” she agreed and I nodded. “Do you know what the Chinese proverb ‘Fallen leaves return to their roots’ means?”

“Sure, it’s the same as apples don’t fall far from the tree, right?” I asked.

“In a way yes. But different people take different meanings from it, and what with my being a therapist I tend to look at it as; in order to understand what happened or where you’re coming from, you have to first return to the beginning.” she smiled.

“Well is there any way to, I don’t know… Bring it out of my subconscious? Force myself to remember it, whatever it was?” I asked as I leaned slightly forward in my seat, wondering if something worthwhile may actually come out of the session.

“Well there is one way which could prove quite successful, it’s not uncommon for people in your situation, people who have black outs or such and cannot remember important details, to undergo hypnotherapy. Is that something you would be interested in?” she asked thoughtfully.

“I’m not sure…” I trailed off as I thought about what she was asking, did I really want to know what had happened? I’m sure if my mind had blocked it out it could only hurt me but I wasn’t sure of how much pain not knowing would do.

“There are, of course, some possible dangers of the procedure, you are after all opening your mind up for another person to control and side effects can be headaches, nose bleeds, high blood pressure and there are others but we also know that there are a lot of benefits to be had from the treatment. Benefits such as self empowerment, relaxation training, improved sleep, motivation to make changes and the removal of negative emotions.”

“I would have to think about it more.” I answered finally after thinking about her words, it was something I wanted to discuss with Chloe more and maybe even Zack even though we had suggested to stay apart during my time here at Lakeview.

“I would suggest nothing less. It is merely a suggestion, but if you chose not to do so there are other ways, simply talking about the situation in depth can stimulate the memory to come forward.”

After the hour long session with the doctor I was free to wander around the hospital and decide what it was that I wanted to do for the rest of the day, that was until I was called for my group therapy session.

Keeping my thoughts off of Zacky was harder than I thought it would be, I wanted to be able to curl up I his arms and feel the safety that they always brought. I decided I was crazy to think that I could ever be strong enough to stand this. I could be able to knock out wrestlers or move buses and I still wouldn’t be strong enough to stand being away from him for more than two days without feeling as though I had been cut in half.

That’s exactly how I felt. I felt as though only half of me was intact, the other half I had left with him and in a way it made me feel better. Knowing that part of me was with him gave me the strength to think about how I had to get better faster so that I could go back to him and become whole again.

I needed him with me. I would always need him with me.