Not Exactly What it Seems

I couldn't find her anywhere. I mean, that's not exactly surprising since the place was massive, but she was the whole reason I was there. I didn't talk to anyone else so being there if she wasn't around was kind of worthless. Yet I could not bring myself to leave because of that hope that she would come talk to me. And apparently I am just that pathetic. What else is new?

“So are you going to let me in on this little secret or do I have to guess? Because you know how unimaginative I am so why not just spit it out so that you can stop looking like such a martyr.” I knew that I was being super harsh, but I was tired of all the pretenses, both his and mine.

“Well, I love you,” he lamented. That left me eying him because I could see that there was going to be a but. Not exactly the way I wanted to find out he was in love with me. “But I kind of, sort of cheated.”

I stared at him in confusion, though I had a pretty good idea as to what he was saying. “You cheated? Cheated on me? Or on a test?” Stupid question obviously, but I was having trouble wrapping my head around it. He had just been basically accusing me of cheating and then he tells me that he cheated. Great relationship, ours apparently.

“I didn’t mean to, honestly I didn’t. She goes to my school and needed help with Chemistry.” Of all subjects, it was Chemistry, figures. “So I was at her house helping her study and she just kissed me. I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that I pushed her away because I didn’t do that, but I felt guilty afterwards. And I told her that I had a girlfriend and that I was in love with you.”

“Well that’s great Nathanial, but do you really love me?” My tone was devoid of all emotion and my face showed no hint of anything at all.

“Yes, I do. I love you so much Fee, but lately it doesn’t seem like enough. Enough for you, enough for me, for society, for my parents. What are we doing here Fee? I need to know how you feel because I’m not going to stay in this relationship if it’s not going anywhere. Do you love me too, or am I that much of an idiot?”

“Nate, I just don’t know what to think right now. Maybe being together isn’t the best thing to do at the moment. We both need to get our bearings straight. You need to find out if you have feelings for this girl or not. Maybe time apart is really what we need.”

That was not the answer he was looking for, it was apparent by the devastation on his face, but I could offer no other alternative. I knew that he would change for me and that just was not right, I couldn’t ask him to do that for me. And I could not keep stringing him along the way I was doing. So that was my solution.

“Fee, what can I do? Tell me what I have to do to make you love me. Anything at all,” he pleaded. A lone tear cascaded down his face, but when I went to wipe it away, more fell in its place. Seeing the tears in his eyes brought tears to my own because it was a very rare occasion that he ever cried. “Tell me how to make you love me.”

“Nate, you can’t make me love you as much as I wish that were the case. It doesn’t work that way, and I’m sorry about it. But you’ll find a girl who deserves you, someone who is not like me. You’ll be happy, I promise, but not with me.”

“But you do deserve me, are too good for me even. But who ever said that someone that was not like you would be good? I fell in love with you so why would someone different make me happy?”

I shook my head softly at him. “Nate, you fell in love with half of me. I let you in on my secret, but you didn’t know the other half, not really. You think that you would love me, all of me, but I just don’t think that you could be truly happy with someone like me. Try to find a girl who’s willing to give up everything to be with you, one who wants to take you to dances and show you off to her friends- a girl that has friends! You know that my life is not something you want to be a part of, please just accept that and be happy.”

“Then what about you? We break up, I find some girl just so that I won’t be alone, where will you be? Your happiness means the world to me and I know that you won’t just find another guy, that’s not like you.” The earnestness in his voice was such a painful reminder of the love he had for me. I hated that he was able to find me so attractive in so many ways when I was such a fake.

“I’ll be living the only way I know how Nate. You have to trust me that I will be alright. I’ve gotten through some bad relationships in one piece, and I will always know what I’m missing with you. You’ve been so great to me Nate, but I can’t keep you from the girl of your dreams. And please don’t tell me that she is me, because I’m not.”

For a while, we sat together in the basement in silence, both of us contemplating what we were going to do with our lives. We had been together since the beginning of summer and were basically best friends. We would try to still be really close, but I knew that it would be hard for Nathanial to deal with right away. But after a little while of silence, he started a conversation that I gladly partook in. I felt badly enough that I was such a bad girlfriend so I would do anything to make sure he was happy. I’d be the best friend he could have- that much I could do without pretense.

After Nathanial seemed better, we both ventured back up the stairs to intermingle with the people that were there. He looked really down about what had just happened, but there was nothing else I could do. I knew that my parents would shoot me as soon as they found out, but it didn’t matter. That was just something I had to deal with.