Not Exactly What it Seems

I had absolutely no reason to get up at such a horrible time, no sane reason for agreeing to go. There was nothing I could do to lessen her affects on me because I did not even know the extent of my feelings for her. What wouldn't I do for her? Whatever the answer to that, I cannot really say that I mind.

My wakeup call the next morning consisted of both Frankie and Hayden jumping up and down on my body. Suffice it to say that I was not able to get back to bed after that happened. So grudgingly, I rolled out of bed, hit my head on my nightstand, threw some pants on, and walked out of the room without saying anything to either of them. How they could be so awake that early, I would never know. All I knew was that I was going to be as much of a pain to them as I could possibly be. That was all there was to it.

“So Hayden,” Frankie started while we were in the car. I was half asleep in the back seat of my truck. No way would I be driving. “Have you thought about asking Onyx out?” At that time of day, I was in no state to comprehend anything they said and Frankie knew that.

After looking back at me to be sure I would not understand him, Hayden shrugged. “I don’t know. I mean, I kind of want to, but I don’t think she really likes me all that much. And then it would be awkward after she rejects me.”

“Who said she was going to reject you? You haven’t even asked her yet. Seriously, Ny is such a big flirt just because she has to be with what she is, but she’s different around you. She doesn’t try to be something else or be seductive or whatever it is she tries to be. With you, she knows that she can be herself and that’s enough.”

“She’s purposefully seductive? I can’t imagine what she’s like when she’s trying to be like that. It’s hard enough when she’s herself.”

Glancing through the rearview mirror at me, Frankie recalled so many late night bonding sessions where I spilled my guts to her. “I don’t know if I should tell you this, but I guess you really should know, if you haven’t figured it out already. Onyx has a huge self esteem issue, especially when she’s just Onyx, not Felicity. Every-”

“Felicity?”

“Yeah, it’s her middle name. But it’s also the name she goes by when she’s America’s daughter or whatever. She just does not see herself as anything worthwhile or a person that deserves having good people befriend her. So she feels that to get the attention of the guys her parents want her to date, she has to work at being a ‘catch’ or something like that. She’s taken quite a few blows to her self esteem when it comes to guys. Especially because a lot of them only go out with her because they think that will make them more desirable to other girls. A lot of them cheat on her or mess with her in some way. It’s just something that she’s had to deal with for a while.”

“She’s always seemed so put together. I mean, I saw her cry on Halloween, but Nathanial was being a huge jerk. And anyway, why would guys even think of hurting her in any way, no matter what the circumstances? She’s such a great person- smart, funny, cute- I don’t understand.”

Frankie smiled softly at the compliments Hayden was giving me. “See, I know you would treat her right. You’d do anything you could to make sure she was happy. She’s never really gotten that before; Nathanial was the first guy that really liked her. That’s why I want you to be with her. You could make her happy like no one else could.”

Hayden raised his eyebrows at this insinuation. “Wait, you wouldn’t mind if I asked her out? I mean, you wouldn’t be all scary like your cousins? Because frankly, they all scared the hell out of me and I don’t want to mess with them if it’s at all possible. I’ve never been good at making friends with enemies.”

“That’s the thing though. They are all on your case like that because they know that you really do like her. It’s complicated really. With all the stupid guys, they knew that it wouldn’t last long so as long as they weren’t physically hurting her, they would let things go. But you, they know you really like her and that she really likes you. It’s different.”

“But she doesn’t really like me. That’s my problem.”

“How do you know that? Has she told you that you have no chance? Seeing the things that go on between the two of you, I’d say that you have a pretty good chance, but that’s just me. And all of our cousins.”

I knew the general gist of what they were saying, but I could not bring myself to care that Frankie was telling Hayden all about my life. So I sang Leave out all the Rest by Linkin Park quietly, knowing that they would hear me. “I’ve taken my beating, I’ve shared what I made. I’m strong on the surface, not all the way through. I’ve never been perfect, but neither have you.”

Neither of my friends said anything else on the way to the mall, unable to grasp what I had just told them through song. Music was such a powerful thing. Not only that though, I think that they were kind of freaked out that I was at least sort of listening and that I really did feel that way. I prided myself in the fact that I conducted myself strongly and that everyone thought I was strong. For me to actually admit that I was only acting like that was a big deal to them.

As society’s little princess, I was also physically strong. Everyone knew me as being very physically fit and able to hold my own in a fight- especially with girls. They would all do the whole slapping and pulling hair- if I had to, I would punch, not slap.

Without realizing it, I had let one of my biggest secrets out to them, leaving me completely vulnerable. But I trusted them, and I knew that they would not use anything I said against me. That is what I hoped anyway.