Not Exactly What it Seems

She surprised me in a way that made her even more beautiful to me. The fact that she was not perfect just made it seem like I had more of a chance. But at the same time, it made her seem more perfect for thinking that she was not perfect, if that makes sense. I wanted to be there for her, but I feared that she would grow bored of me and decide that she could spend her time with better people. Where would I be then?

Instead of complaining about being at the mall so early, I kept quiet, wanting to find a guy for Frankie. She deserved someone who would treat her right and respect her; I wanted her to finally have that. So I looked around for the perfect guy as we shopped. I found him at Journey’s. This guy was tall and skinny, but looked fairly well built; had long red/orange hair, and wore a Volcom t-shirt. He was absolutely perfect for Frankie, and by the looks he was giving her from behind the counter, he liked her. So I worked my magic and got him to go talk to her with the pretense of asking if she needed help with anything.

Frankie had been looking intently at a pair of Converse, but when she looked up at this guy- Matt- she looked like a dear in headlights for a second. All she could do was stare at him, analyzing him. She had told me once, that she had a weak spot for red headed skaters and that is exactly what he was. He was her perfect guy. They flirted like crazy for a few minutes until another customer needed assistance so they quickly exchanged numbers before we left. I was so excited.

For the rest of the shopping, Frankie had this little grin on her face; it was absolutely the most adorable thing I had ever seen. But I knew that it would be erased as soon as I told all our cousins about it. I was just that evil. It was her turn to know what it felt like to be under the scrutiny of our insane cousins. Matt seemed like such a sweetie who wouldn’t care that Frankie had no experience with guys.

Hayden was giving me weird looks all day and I didn’t know why. I would say something stupid and he would look at me way longer than needed. I would tell some extremely lame joke and he would laugh louder than necessary. Frankie and I would start belting out in some random song, and he would stare at me with this little smile on his face. It was extremely disconcerting to tell the truth. But I brushed it off, pretending I thought nothing of it. I was used to pretending.

“I have to ask you something,” he told me that night in my sanctuary.

I was sorting all of my CDs in order of year and then alphabetically within that year. Briefly, I looked up at him to answer, “Okay, shoot.”

“Frankie told me today that when you are not just you, you go by Felicity. I wanted to know why you do that. If you don’t mind my asking.” For some strange reason, he seemed to be hesitant to ask that question. I had absolutely no problem answering it.

“Well, when I was younger, I didn’t think anything of it. I knew a lot of people who had nicknames so I thought that was just a nickname or something. But when I became old enough to understand, I wanted my parents to stop calling me Felicity because I hate that name. They wouldn’t do it. No one would accept the name Onyx they told me, no one would accept a girl named after a black stone. People would tell me that I was as dark as my name and that my heart was that dark so I was not allowed to use it. But I thought that that was unfair because they were the ones that named me Onyx in the first place. It was like they were ashamed of what they named me.

“I found out later that they didn’t even want to name me Onyx, but it had some sentimental value to my grandfather and it was his dying will that I be named Onyx so that is what they did. It was impossible not to do what my granddad asked simply because he was the nicest person you’d ever meet. I don’t remember him, but my family says I’m so much like him. So that’s the story. Onyx was a family name, but not a name to be used in society.”

“That doesn’t seem fair to you,” he argued, as if I had accepted what my parents believed lying down. “You should not have to hide who you are or hide what your name actually is. I don’t think that’s right at all.”

“Hey, I’ll be the last one to disagree with you on that one. I fought for so long for them to accept who I really was, but they wouldn’t budge. They were cool with a lot of things and I really do love them, but they would never do anything that could possibly hurt my status or theirs for that matter. That’s just the way it is.”

“What happens if you see someone from your normal life while you are out as Felicity? Are you allowed to know them or not?” Hayden seemed genuinely distressed about the way my life was and I was kind of upset that it bothered him so much.

“Well besides the fact that no one from my normal life would ever know me or recognize me, no I am not allowed to acknowledge them. That’s how it works Hayden, why do you have such trouble with that? Is it really that big of a deal to you?”

“Well yeah, it kind of is. They are asking you to give up who you are so that they can be satisfied. That is just not right Onyx and I don’t like it.”

Then I had a thought. It had never occurred to me since I told him about what was going on in my life. I was so worried about what he would think when I could not spend time with him, that I feared he would not want me as a friend. What happens if he cannot handle knowing about it? He had such a problem with it, maybe he had too big a problem with me.

Timidly, I looked up through my eyelashes at him. “Is it too much of a problem?” I wondered earnestly. “Can you not handle everything that they make me do?”

He seemed confused, not understanding what it was I was insinuating. “Ny, what are you saying? I mean yeah I have a problem with it, but-”

“Hay, is it too much of a problem? I understand if you cannot deal with the superficiality of the whole thing. I just hoped that you would be able to see past it and know that it is not what I want.”

He seemed to finally grasp what it was that I meant and somehow felt responsible for it, as if he was offensive by speaking his mind. “Oh Ny, no. You know I wouldn’t stop being your friend because of that. Why would you think that?”

“Well,” I started slowly, conscious of how he would feel about what I was going to say. “If I were you, I wouldn’t want to be friends with me. It’s all too complicated and frankly, I’m not worth it. Everything is so superficial and fake, why would someone so genuine want to be associated with a girl who spends her whole life lying to everyone?”

“I’ll never abandon you,” was all he said. Then he wrapped me in a hug and we stayed like that for a long time. He smelled so good and I never wanted to leave, but I knew I would.

I knew that at some point everything would become too much for him and he would leave, even though he told me he would never abandon me. Or I would end up hurting him or just leaving him alone because that is just the way my life went. If I ever found something or someone that I truly liked, I was never able to keep it for too long. That would have been too perfect.