Not Exactly What it Seems

I’m not sure what I did to deserve her or whatever, but I was loving every minute of it. Well, maybe not the awkward times with her family, but I would never take for granted any time I had with her. Great, now I sound like a stupid chick flick. It doesn’t matter though, because she was finally mine and no one else’s. She thought of everyone else before herself and so was overly excited to see her cousin happy again. All I cared about was her happiness. Does that make me selfish? Only caring about her happiness technically means that I don’t care about my own so that’s not selfish, right?

Tarantula Venom. Yeah, the name may seem weird to some people, especially those with arachnophobia, but the place is amazing. It’s this band venue that houses not only some of the best unknown bands, but also some pretty amazing well known bands. Well, known by the indie, alternative, or hardcore scene. Regardless of who knows the bands, the venue is where my family goes for New Years Eve. Though we had never been to Vermont as an entire family before, we were always at Tarantula for the New Year.

What I would never understand is how the tradition was started. First of all, my mother was deathly afraid of spiders when she and my dad found the place when they were in Vermont without me. Second, why would my parents, conservative in their musical styles as they were, ever be attracted to the place? Whatever the reason, I was not complaining.

The Offspring played there every New Year’s Eve. That was the most amazing thing ever and it never got old. I absolutely loved The Offspring. Even though I saw them every year and sometimes more than once a year, it always blew my mind.

That night, the opening band was another one of my favorites. Before Their Eyes was considered rock, but had both a hard and emo edge to their music. Neither Hayden nor Frankie had heard of the band so I was excited to introduce them to the music. And to meet the band, too. But things were a little tense with the family because my uncle was still in the hospital, but we were trying to have fun.

Frankie was being distant still and I was really worrying about her. It wasn’t just that she missed Matt, she couldn’t use that excuse even if she wanted to because I could see through that one. She was seriously scaring me because she was always a super bubbly person and even when she moved out of her parent’s house she was optimistic. So that night, I pulled her aside and just stared at her. Seriously, I just looked into her eyes for probably five minutes without saying anything. I knew that was the only way I would be able to get through to her.

And after all that time, she started crying. Tears came flowing from her eyes and she wrapped her arms around my neck. Her head was buried in the crook of my neck and I hugged her back tightly, trying to comfort her.

“It’s all too much,” she choked out between sobs. “Nothing works Onyx, nothing. My parents didn’t want me Ny, they didn’t want me! But then I was with you guys and you loved me so it didn’t hurt as much. Hayden took you from me though! And I let him do it, I urged him to go for it. Is it really selfish that I kind of regret that? Is it horrible to say that? And I do have Matt, but we don’t have what you and Hayden have and I wish we could have that.”

“Sweetie, you and Matt just don’t spend as much time together as Hayden and I do. Next time we have some family thing, invite him. Tell him that he has to meet all of our crazy protective cousins, see what he says to that. But all you need to do is spend time with him, I promise you that. I know that talking on the phone and texting doesn’t seem like enough, but just take the incentive to see him more. Go hang out at Journey’s when he’s working, do whatever you have to do to be happy with him. It will get better.”

“But you have everything,” she cried. “You have a perfect life and a life that’s all you. You can choose who you want to be when and I can’t stand having to live in your shadow. I love you so much, but you make me feel so inferior. You make me feel like everything I do will be outshined by you.”

I couldn’t believe what she was telling me. I had no idea, and I really mean that. There was just no way that anyone- especially Frankie- would be jealous of me. “Fray, it’s not as easy as all that. My perfect life isn’t really all that perfect, trust me. And seriously, you don’t live in my shadow, far from it. You’re so amazing, but you need to see that, okay?”

She cheered up a little so she was able to have fun with me and Hayden as we hung out with the band. Then it was about 11:30, the time I was supposed to meet Amber for the big surprise. So the three of us made our way through the crowded venue to the back entrance so that we could get everything set up with Amber. She was excited beyond belief which brought a smile to my face as well as Frankie’s. That made me even happier. I decided to make a little speech to introduce the situation.