Not Exactly What it Seems

What happened? They were so perfect, what changed? Was it my fault? Whether it was my fault or not, there was no way I was leaving unless she told me to because they had no right to treat her like that. I was proud of her for standing up to them for once and not taking it. I wish I was able to do that.

“Yeah Mom, that’s what we do. We put on an act so that everyone will think that we are just so perfect and that we are the epitome of America’s family. What’s it for, huh? Have you ever stopped to think about why you even want to be accepted so badly? Would it kill you to be a normal person and not be hounded by paparazzi just because of your name? We act, we celebrate when our family is falling apart because we are the world’s biggest hypocrites and no one knows it.”

As they stared at me, as if I were an alien and not Onyx Felicity, an overwhelming feeling of dread and loathing settled into my stomach. I wanted so badly to run out of the venue and out of their lives forever, but I knew I wouldn’t do that. I knew that I was too much of a coward to do that. Why did I have to have the life that everyone wanted? That was not the life I wanted at all and it frustrated me that I would be the one to have it.

I didn’t want it.

Poor Hayden, standing there in the middle of a family altercation just because he wanted to stay by my side. I respected him for that, but I also thought he was an idiot for doing it. I wasn’t worth that and he should have been heading for the hills trying to get as far away from me as possible. I didn’t deserve him, especially with the way my parents were talking about him- as if he was nothing and that I should just cast him aside because he didn’t fit our mold.

I couldn’t stand it anymore, I really couldn’t. No amount of words directed at my parents would ever get them to see things my way and there was no way I was going to run away so I settled for merely stalking away and joining the party in the venue. Standing there among all of the people I truly cared about, I felt like even more of a hypocrite. They were all there being themselves and never had to pretend that they were someone else. I pretended all the time.

I felt like nothing mattered anymore. I felt like there was no hope so why even bother? I felt like things just needed to change and fast. I felt as if there was only one choice that seemed logical yet I did not want to resort to that. I felt as if that was the easy way out, but then again, it also seemed like it was the boldest statement that I could make. Would I really try to do something so stupid? I figured that there was really no other way to show them that I was serious.

Hayden hadn’t found me among the people yet so I was safe for a little while at least. I started to make my way up the steps that I knew led to the roof. In the summer, they had some bands perform on the roof and it was the coolest thing ever but that was not my purpose. I was a girl with a mission and something to prove. Would my statement be heard if I let go like this? Would they understand then?

Standing on the ledge looking over the parking lot below, I thought about all the stuff I had to go through in order to keep both lives. Why would I ever buy into something like that? I was such a good little girl that I bought into all of the lies that my parents fed me throughout the years. Why had I been so stupid? There was no possible explanation as to how I could have believed that everything was perfectly okay, that there was nothing wrong or strange about having two lives. I wasn’t Hannah Montana, what was I expecting? Things don’t work out perfectly in real life. There is no happily ever after.

He found me. He somehow knew that I was going to try something so he found me. Why did he have to love me? Was I so obvious and predictable that even my own end could be figured out? Why did he love me?

So I asked him. I asked him why he loved me. And do you know what he said? He told me he loved me for what I was about to do. He told me that I was crazy and insane and really needed to get down from the ledge, but that he loved me for it.

He loved Onyx. He loved that Onyx wasn’t afraid to tell her parents that she wanted her own life. He loved that Onyx could pull the stupidest stunt imaginable and still seem amazing because of that exact reason. He loved Onyx because she was perfect.

I looked at him as if he was the crazy one and not me. Perfect? Since when would I ever in a million years be considered perfect? He was high. He must have been because that is the only way he could have ever thought I was perfect.

“Onyx, you may not think so, but I can see things that you cannot. I can see things about you that you may find to be flaws, but I find beauty in them. I love you because the crazy, mixed up, insane person that finally let me in after pushing me away for so long is finally finding her voice. She deserves to use it.”

I deserve to be who I want to be.